dirt on my feet

pleading.

2011-10-04T17:06:00.003-04:00

there have been times in my life when i have been alone. the kind of alone where you dream of people knowing you in that easy, silent way. where you don't have to get so much out on the table just to be comfortable sitting by each other quietly.

there have been times where i couldn't bring myself to try. to try to throw some bricks down on the foundation of a life i could be joyful about living. i would sleep through as much of the day as i could, just so the sun wouldn't be up anymore. so it would actually be acceptable to be in my bed. to pull the covers up over my face and hide from another day.

somewhere along the way all the windows and doors were opened, and it all got aired out. i plead for peace in my heart, and after a while all that pleading led somewhere. to peace, i guess. and a comfort in what i'm made up of, because i know what and who it is that makes me up.

at times, i still trip into that loneliness. and i lay there for a bit. and remember how it felt to actually be alone. but then i remember i can open up the windows by choice this time, because i remember the way out.

i call Him by name and He answers.

maybe all that pleading led to this life. a life full of people who can sit next to me when i'd rather be alone and not say anything, but say everything also.

merton.

2011-07-28T23:41:00.001-04:00

thomas merton is a hero of mine. during many hard days, i've read his words and been able to see the Lord in a different way. from a very honest angle. an angle that gives me hope. thomas' life is incredibly interesting and i encourage you to read any of his writing. 'seeds' is a classic. here's an excerpt from my reading tonight:

"even the capacity to recognize our condition before God is itself a grace. we cannot always attain it at will. to learn meditation does not mean learning an artificial technique for infallibly producing "compunction" and the "sense of our nothingness" whenever we please. on the contrary, this would be the result of violence and would be inauthentic. meditation implies the capacity to receive this grace whenever God wishes to grant it to us, and therefore a permanent disposition to humility, attention to reality, receptivity, pliability. to learn to meditate then means to gradually get free from habitual hardness of heart, torpor and grossness of mind, due to arrogance and non-acceptance of simple reality, or resistance to the concrete demands of God's will.

if in fact our hearts remain apparently indifferent and cold, and we find it morally impossible to "begin" meditating in this way, then we should at least realize that this coldess is itself a sign of our need and of our helplessness. we should take it accordingly as a motive for prayer. we might also reflect that perhaps without meaning to we have fallen into a spirit of routine, and are not able to see how to recover our spontaneity without God's grace, for which we must wait patiently, but with earnest desire. this waiting itself will be for us a school of humility."

--thomas merton.

summertime.

2011-07-05T10:11:00.001-04:00

i haven't been a big fan of summer for a long time.

when summertime meant no school, no summer job, just lots of VBS and family activities. weeks of time stretched before you to do nothing but play til it got dark, it was magic.

as i've gotten older, summer has become less about freedom and more of an inconvenience. my schedule looks no different than the rest of the year, except it is hot-as-all-get-out.

but so far this summer--it's been like a little slice of childhood.

took a lake wylie adventure and just ended up jumping into the neighborhood pool around midnight.

discovered the best bbq i've had, maybe ever. at a restaurant called whispering pines in albemarle.

headed to the drive-in movie, where it felt like we had transported back to 1952. the music, the fireflies, the ice cream. magic.

on sunday we had church and celebrated a birthday at pinky's and had porch time with plenty of red wine.

we headed to the pool bright and early on the fourth and swam and laid in the sun for hours. i hadn't put on a bathing suit and lounged at a pool since..i actually can't remember.

last night we waited out the storm together and grilled and passed around baby arthur and enjoyed each other.

at one point we took a drive and saw this:

and broke out into patriotic singing for the rest of the ride.

we picked up more friends and brought them to the party and we walked down the road to the park that had a terrific view of the skyline. we watched the fireworks with everyone in charlotte. and walked back in a huge pack of people to kate's house. sat on the porch, said our goodbyes and finished the night with a few patriotic episodes of the wonder years.

and i came home and fell asleep face down on my bed.

like a 5 year old.
summer 2011, so far so good.
vacation is happening in 3 days.

cannot wait.
happy summer.

morning will come.

2011-06-25T08:56:00.008-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MJio3s2wFI

ugh. i've been listening to bon iver's cover of bonnie rait's "i can't make you love me" on repeat all morning. he sang it on jimmy fallon a while back, and i can't stop listening to it. (click on above link).

i feel like i can go for weeks and even months walking through life asleep, coasting. waking up from those times is surprising. instead of feeling dull and numb, i am feeling a little shredded. in the way that makes you feel a spark.

all day on thursday, i was down. courtney had planned a prayer night at her house, and i didn't even know if i was up for making it. but, with age i have learned that making choices opposite to your emotions, is many (most) times the best choice you can make. so i went, fully prepared to cry and just be blah if i needed to be.

it was a small group of ladies that i love. as in, friends that i'm really sharing my every day with. friends that struggle through my tree filled yard and take my dog for the day so i'm not worried about her. friends that offer their homes to me in the middle of the night when a storm hits, and friends that love me through grumpy days and 40 hours a week of tough work environments and early mornings.

so there we sat,
and we talked about Jesus.

and there it was.
we talked about how to effect change without having any agenda or piety.
and talked about the parts of life that i'm so uncertain of.
it was like taking deep, full breaths.

the whole thing restarted my heart.
i think i forgot how much i love to talk about the Lord.
and how much i need to.

afternoon activity.

2011-06-20T13:55:00.001-04:00

the big wall in my living room said 'happy holidays' up until yesterday. i'd made excuses for it until memorial day, but it was time.

i love mondays.

i also picked up a packing crate yesterday. hoping to make it a pot rack or something.

we shall see.
happy new week to you all.

spring.

2011-05-30T10:34:00.002-04:00

practicality.

2011-05-26T18:20:00.001-04:00

on sunday, i greeted people that walked in the door of our church. i love having that job and getting to see people i love arrive at a place i really love. a new favorite of mine, pauline, walked in and promptly asked me where she could leave a bag of bath towels. i told her i wasn't sure, but i could check. she explained that these towels no longer "matched her decor" and she'd like to give them to someone who could use them.

[a little backstory. i am in a funny stage in life right now. not bad, mostly sweet, but really just every single penny is accounted for. sometimes i forget to buy more than one light bulb, and sometimes i switch that one light bulb from lamp to lamp. or sometimes i forget to buy towels and have to wash my one towel over and over again.]

when pauline offered her towels, my one bath towel sprung to mind, but i pushed it aside and felt like someone else could use them more than me. very quickly though, i felt like i was supposed to tell her that i was in need of them. so i did, and i felt a little silly and a little selfish.

pauline went to her car to grab her bag of an entire towel, hand towel, and wash cloth set.

i loaded the bag in the back of my car after church without much thought. the next morning i remembered them, and went to grab a new towel before my shower.

when i opened the bag, i couldn't believe it. the towels were beautiful and practically brand new. in that moment, i felt so surprised. in the most practical and impractical ways.

like, here is a basic need you have: towels. okay, someone walks up and hands you a bag of them. and also like, i know you lauren, and i'd like to provide you with a really beautiful practical item just because i adore you.

i know it may sound silly, and that's okay. but, i just haven't been able to get those towels out of my head all week. i have felt and still feel very loved by my community and especially by a Lord that orchestrates these little moments that help me remember that He is there.

new venture

2011-04-10T22:20:00.005-04:00

hello people.

in the next few months, life is going to look a little different. i am hoping to go back to school (part time) in the fall. i am also hoping to have a little more say over my schedule, and have more time to pursue things that i'm interested in doing long term.

last week i sent out an email to a few moms in the charlotte area to let them know i will be available for babysitting. right now, my availability will be around my work schedule. i have embeded my calendar so anyone that's interested can see when i'm available. you can email me at lehogan@gmail.com to request a time, and i'll get back to you quickly and let you know if it works out, and my rates, etc.

pet-sitting and house-sitting are also options, if anyone needs some help in those ways. so, here's a very basic idea of my current schedule.

feel free to pass my name around to any of your friends.

a treat for you.

2011-02-28T14:58:00.009-05:00

a fool proof recipe for chocolate cobbler (two of my favorite words combined).

nutella chocolate cobbler

3/4 cup all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
6 tablespoons cocoa powder, divided
1 cup sugar, divided
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup Nutella
6 tablespoons melted butter
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/2 cup brown sugar, packed
1-½ cup hot tap water

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine flour, baking powder, salt, 3 tablespoons cocoa powder, and 1/2 cup of white sugar. Stir in milk, Nutella, butter, and vanilla. Mixture will be thick like the texture of peanut butter. Spread mixture into an ungreased 8-inch baking dish. In a separate bowl, mix 1/2 cup white sugar, brown sugar, and remaining cocoa. Sprinkle mixture evenly over the batter. Pour the hot water over everything and do not stir. Bake for 40-45 minutes or until the center is slightly firm but not fluid like liquid. Spoon mixture into small bowls and serve with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

okay, if i could do it over again, i would probably increase the amount of nutella to either 3/4 cup or even 1 cup. because i like nutella that much. also, i might try to figure out a way to make it more cobbler-y. like make the top crunchier. possibly add a bit of flour and some crushed up walnuts? not exactly sure. but, i'll be honest, it was really terrific as is. like a brownie with puddles of chocolate pudding throughout.

on the lookout

2011-02-21T22:45:00.001-05:00

so, i used to have this application on my phone where i could blog pretty easily. well, actually let's rewind even further. i used to have a functioning computer and unlimited wifi access, but these days i have a crippled blogging application on my phone that only allows text, and looks at you like you're crazy should you suggest uploading a picture.

i do not mind it though. i enjoy reading people's thoughts more than scrolling through their pictures, anyway.

hey, have you noticed i'm getting back in the swing of chatting with you? oh yeah? me too.

lately, i have been feeling about work like i used to feel about high school. what excuse can i come up with to not have to go? things are getting real right now. but, i know that it's mostly me. this is the time in any (really any) commitment that i get bored and want to jump ship. right at about 10 months. cause a year seems like a solid amount of time to do anything, so i start making plans for what to do next around 10 months.

i am continuing to feel vulnerable lately. like i am preparing for heartbreak/emergency. does that sound strange? it feels really strange. and probably not great that i just act like it's normal to feel anxiety the way i have been. there are several reasons for it, too long and boring to go into. but, i am looking for peace. always on the lookout.

not much else to say. laying in my bed after a lazy weekend full of open windows, screen doors, and too many cookies. (and lots of winn time). wishing there was some way we could all just spend our days together instead of working to pay the bills.

also, could i sound more like a hippie? "always on the lookout for peace" and wishing "we could spend all our days together".

oh well.

i have always been a proponent of the commune idea.

here's to a great last week of february.

plans?

2011-02-19T10:53:00.004-05:00

i've accomplished a few things this week. not necessarily what was on my to-do list, but they're accomplishments nonetheless.

i filed my taxes, and i have been dreaming of things to do with my return all week. too bad money doesn't go quite as far as my plans for it do. also, i sort of cleaned out my car, but not really. beulah has not really gotten walked, but i've taken her to the park and sat in the sun almost every day.

can we actually talk about something? i've been thinking a lot about what i'd like to get done by the time i am 30. for example, i'd like to own my own home by the big 3-0. i do not have a plan in place for this goal, but 2011 is the year. it should be said, that when i say home, i mean farm land somewhere in the carolinas.

also, here's the latest thought. i'm just going to say it, and then we'll talk implications. if i am not married (or in a legit relationship) by the time i'm 30, i am considering starting adoption paperwork. (!)

i can see anyone i know reading that and falling out on the floor. especially my parents. i am just thinking through things. there are so many ifs and maybes and things that would have to happen (or not happen) for me to get to that place, but i am allowing myself to go there. that situation is so sticky and complicated, and i don't know if i would feel good about knowlingly walking into raising a child without a father. at the same time, i think about all the children in the U.S. that need families. or about the 418,000+ children in the american foster care system.

i guess i just get scared of waiting around and wasting my younger years. you know?
so there's that.

'holiday'

2011-02-14T08:23:00.001-05:00

i'd hoped i would wake up this morning and that my paycheck would magically be deposited a day early. you know, with it being a 'holiday' and all. no such luck. if i had gotten paid today, i had plans to buy lots of baking supplies, get my oil changed, and maybe buy myself a little something for valentines day. oh, and pay my car payment and electric bill.

plan b for today includes making coffee and a pb&j. then sitting in my bed until i finish my first cup. that's where i am currently. next steps include: showering, taking beulah either for a walk or down to doggie daycare. both take effort, but just different kinds. have (HAVE) to do laundry today (don't have a washer and dryer at my place, so i have to really plan a time to do it), need to file my taxes (which i can do during laundry times), and if i can find some change for the vacuum, clean out my car.

mondays are shaping up to be a new weekly highlight. last week we had our first meeting of the mad men club. i've seen and loved every episode, but lots of friends have not. so instead of passing around the DVDs, we are watching a couple of episodes every monday night together at my house. tonight with it being a 'holiday', we will be dressing up a bit, and had planned to make cocktails, but now that i am poor until tomorrow, that may turn into tap water in martini glasses. we shall see.

anyway, i feel this blog has motivated me to down the remainder of my coffee and get this day started.

cheerio.

wanting.

2011-02-11T18:37:00.002-05:00

the older i get, the more vulnerable i feel to the world at large. i think mainly because the older i get, the less excuse i have to blame mistakes on my youth. also, as much as i'd like to think this isn't the case, the world is still pretty scary. my only remaining buffer is my parents, but with each year that buffer becomes thinner and thinner. how is it possible that people are out buying houses and having kids, and being successful? i feel like having enough money to buy a cup of coffee towards the end of my pay period is a victory.

am i doing what i want to do? no. i can barely remember what that is. i want so much. and i'm doing very little to get it. i want to work on the pottery wheel for about two weeks straight, and then open up a booth at the farmer's market to sell food, and then i'd like to get my doula certification, and then i'd like to write a book. and i'd love to fall in love at some point. here's the thing, i cannot even muster the energy to get out of bed without hitting the snooze button six times. i do not function until i have two industrial sized cups of coffee. and i haven't cleaned out my car in about 6 months. so i'm frustrated, i want want want. but i don't don't don't.

so. maybe this week, by next friday (february 18th) i would like to:

email another doula to set up a coffee date (emailed a few in charlotte that never responded, let me know if you any in the area).
clean out my car.
write one blog.
walk beulah three days.
finish reading one of the 6 or so books i've started.

seems about right.

signing off now (to lay on the couch).

i should rest up for our monthly birthday dance party tomorrow night.

photos to come.

monday, january 10.

2011-01-11T08:55:00.001-05:00

somehow i have managed to have a string of four day weekends all in a row. i am concerned about going back to normal life. for the second day in a row, i've woken up, taken the dog out, started the coffee, and hopped back in bed. with no intention of getting out again until i'm warm and properly caffeinated.

yesterday was a beauty of a day. after climbing back in bed with coffee, a warm pup, my brother josh (who's in town from austin) piled in and we watched a hitchcock movie together until we were ambitious enough to go out in the snow. jared, maria, and winnie came over and i baked some honey cornbread and eggs, and more coffee (clearly).

we then bundled up and made our way down to the neighborhood park where friends were planning to meet us. all of plaza midwood was playing out in the snow, and all the dogs ran around and played, and winnie seemed to handle the cold a little better this time.

after playing for a bit, it was time to rescue rebecca from her treacherous walk to the park. beu and i drove to find her, and picked up lydia on our way back to my house.

all of us ended up settling in at jared and maria's for the day. we watched toy story, popped popcorn, and warmed up while winn slept the afternoon away. later, josh, lydia, becca and i ventured out to the grocery store for sustenance. we made a plan, split up, got the goods and headed home with plenty of cookies and beer.

maria had been cooking dinner in the crockpot all day, so we got home and played a game until dinner was ready. winnie got her pajamas on and drifted to sleep, and we turned on the shining and ate our dinner in the dark.

after the movie, our little caravan headed out into the snow to drop everyone off at their prospective homes.

it was a great day. dare i say, a perfect one. by the end of it, i was wishing we could all just live in one big house, or you know adjacent smaller houses and cook and eat together all the time.

and then i remembered we can.

january.

2011-01-03T13:07:00.001-05:00

the holidays are over now. many times this first week of the new year has a feeling of sadness lingering over it. i don't feel that way this year. these last few weeks have been festive and lovely. every moment i wasn't working i packed in lots of hot chocolate and movies, 'ice skating' (meaning wine night), pizza parties, and new years eve karaoke.

we also got snow on christmas day this year, which has never happened. it was beautiful. jared has been off work all week and that has spoiled us all, i think. having him around and available felt so nice. festivities continued when maria's family came into town, and i ended out the week with a four day weekend.

so, instead of feeling sad that it's all over, i feel like i have a huge reserve of quality time stored up to last me for a little while, you know through the harsh winter.

more than anything though, i just feel really thankful for 2010. it has been a great year. it is odd to say goodbye to that entire decade (what do we call that? the 00's?). just about everything happened to me in those 10 years. high school, college, and the first half of my twenties.

anyway, real life starts back now, but as it turns out i like my real life.

so, happy new year everyone.

photo dump

2010-12-06T16:10:00.001-05:00

here's an update from my phone.

beu on a hike

bethany and i on a balloon mission.

winn and auntie lo.

ginn and mesa on a very strange evening.

my girl.

new place.

one of my nanny babes all grown up.

spirit week at work. annie hall/jersey shore respectively.

black mountain/sufjan times.

autumn in nc.

jmac's birthday donut.

my car got violated.

tran wedding.

so that's the last couple of months in pictures.

surprised.

2010-11-14T12:51:00.007-05:00

sometimes i wish there was a really natural platform for sharing what God has done (is doing) in our lives. i mean, i don't feel like we need to have testimony night or anything, but there are groups of friends that have no idea what the Lord has done in my life (and vice versa) mostly because it feels too big to talk about quickly in between everything else.

maybe i'll just start talking about it here, because i feel pent up, and like i don't give Him enough glory. because honestly, most days i just want to talk about how unbelievable He is, and how He changed my life. and how i never thought i'd be able to talk like that about the Lord. ever.

i grew up in a wonderful home. my parents loved and sacrificed, not just for us but for our community. we saw (as kids) first hand what it looked like to pour everything out for other people. and we also saw what can happen when serving seems to blow up in your face. we made it through, like a lot of pastors families, hanging on by a thread. and all of it left me wondering who the Lord really is.

i remember trying so hard to love the Lord well, and never feeling like i succeeded. guilt for not measuring up started really early in my heart. like 4 years old, kind of early. so i grew, and began cataloging church experiences that i didn't understand. somewhere along the way, i stopped seeing the Lord and church separately. and to me, it became this bullying mutant in our family. a presence that we were just trying to survive.

growing up is hard for everyone, and it was no different for me. high school came along, and i struggled. my sophomore year brought with it a particularly messy church dispute, ending with our family leaving. i remember having to visit new churches after that, and not being physically able to leave the car. the thought of starting the whole process over paralyzed me.

we had all been hurt, and as a 15 year old girl, i felt like i had a gunshot wound that no one noticed. i had been striving my whole life to love the Lord right and well, and it wasn't working, clearly. so i walked around wounded, and i didn't ask for help.

at that point, i really withdrew and became hard. just mean and hard. school got worse with time, and i started eating for comfort, and by my senior year i couldn't even shop in the same stores as my friends. all of these things pushed me further into a black hole. just more excuses to stay angry.

this is where my story takes a turn into 'after-school-special' world.

my senior year, on a whim, i figured i should remedy my weight situation. decided to start weighing myself and to just generally try to eat better. by graduation, i had shed a lot of weight, and gained a ton of friends. things felt good and different, and i clung to these changes for dear life.

i headed off to college with fears looming over me about gaining the weight back. i think i felt like i had fixed my life, and still viewed the Lord as an extracurricular activity instead of a Savior. mainly because i don't think i really saw my need for one. my view of the Lord had more to do with willpower, than it did about surrender.

long story short, my desperation to keep the weight off led directly to an eating disorder. a five year long struggle that steamrolled my life. a secret that i worked full-time to protect, nurture, and hide. all of the anger that i had never talked through or shared was funneling straight back at me. and i hated myself.

i spent actual years of my life lying to people i loved about everything. by the fifth year, i was not functioning. i'd moved back in with my parents, and was in school (barely), and never left the house except to go to class.

my family knew, and they'd approach me about it once in a while, when things got especially bad. but i would just spew hatred back at them, and they'd back off. through all these years, i remembered the Lord but did not see how He could even fit into the mess. i figured i would find Him once i got it together again.

one night, in my parent's house, i read the book of romans start to finish. i remember starting to understand that things weren't going to be fixed by my willpower. my parents went out of town soon after that, and i had a particularly bad weekend. when they returned, i told them that i was ready to stop trying to remedy the situation on my own.

less than a week later, i was on a plane to a treatment facility in arizona. that is still one of the scariest things i have ever done. but the alternative, continuing on in the state i was in, felt the scariest.

my brother, jared, was in college at the time. he had been really active in confronting me, and was a big reason that i decided to go. he surprised me and drove up to say goodbye before i left, and that visit still breaks my heart to remember.

the memories of arriving in arizona are still vivid. i felt like an impostor. i kept thinking that compared to everyone else there, i really had it together (ha). i could write a book on each day i spent there, truly. but, what happened in a matter of words, is that i fought the Lord. i gave myself permission to disregard Him. it felt like there was a concrete slab between us.

more than once, my roommates (in treatment) would complain that i was waking them up at night because i was talking in my sleep, i asked them what i was saying, and they told me every night i would pray and just say Jesus' name.

and that just annoyed me.

i don't have a specific moment that i remember, but somewhere in all that fighting and disregarding, i met the Lord. like really met Him, and got an idea of His real character. and i just remember feeling completely gutted. and He saved me, and pulled me out of a black hole, so deep and selfish and ugly.

three years later, i'm still surprised by it. i am so surprised that after all the ideas i had about who He was, i was so wrong. He is so much better. infinitely better.

and He is healing me, every day.

out of touch

2010-10-25T14:37:00.003-04:00

well, now that october is almost over, i thought i'd check in. i am right in the middle of moving right now, which makes me crazy. actually an insane person. i get heartburn just thinking about it.

but--it is the perfect october day today. lots of rain and leaves blowing everywhere. i received a text early this morning from my old nanny family asking me to fill in today. which is great because i need all those dollabillz during moving times. my nanny babies aren't babies anymore, but they are so fun. they're supposed to be napping, but jenna is bossing her animals around in her crib.

times are a little hard right now. it's been one of those months where it seems like i'm not capable of making one right decision. it has been a little sobering. everything that is going on right outside my door seems to be things i should have learned to overcome long ago. obviously, that's why they're still knocking on my door at all hours. isn't that the worst?

things have been pretty silent with the Lord these last few weeks as well. i think when i am in the thick of it, i turn everything off. i scurry around and try to fix things (unsuccessfully), and go to bed a little scared of what tomorrow might bring my way.

today is bringing new perspective, and i see the light at the end of this funk.

there is a lot more to say, but i am out of practice. and i already feel winded from this tiny blogging effort.

harvest

2010-10-02T11:53:00.003-04:00

anytime i spend too much time inside, i get restless.

all i can dream about is walking around my farm one day.
for now though, taking beulah down to the park after work is motivation enough to finish this week well.

one day.
one day i'll bake my pies on my farm.

distracted

2010-09-23T20:36:00.001-04:00

i am writing because i would like to be distracted from my duties for this evening. which include kitchen and bathroom cleaning.

the worst.

i remember not being able to go out as a teenager until i cleaned my room up, so i would really try to get motivated to clean, but would always get distracted by things i found along the way. old notes passed during classes, or movie ticket stubs or whatever it happened to be. oh gosh, old diaries were the best. usually mortifying, always entertaining.

anyway.

this week has been strange. no way around it. last friday, beulah got into some baking chocolate while i was out, and it was very hard to tell how much she'd eaten, but a couple of ounces can be lethal for her weight range. she ended up throwing some up, and is totally fine now, but sheesh, i thought i was gonna lose my buddy for about 12 hours. and it was awful.

hmmm, work is lovely. mainly because of the ladies i work with. we make coffee together every morning, and really just enjoy each other. my job makes me thankful.

i feel a little like 2010 is slipping through my fingers. things are going to speed up now, and before you know it, it'll be new years. and 2011, etc.

i should change the music and get motivated to finish cleaning.

maybe in a few years i'll stumble on this blog and get distracted, trying to remember 2010.

autumnal pleasantries

2010-09-15T20:25:00.003-04:00

as you all know, i love fall.

as evidenced, here, here, here, and here.

i live like it's fall all year long, so when it actually does come to this part of the year, i can breathe a sigh of relief, and wear my tights and boots in peace. i can finally get back outside with beulah and romp around without wanting to die from the heat.

so, i'm baking and thumbing through pages and pages of new fall catalogs. content to think about cooler weather and holiday parties.

and sweet little owl mugs filled with chai tea.

happy almost fall, friends.

see you at the corn maze:)

limitless

2010-09-13T22:44:00.007-04:00

do you ever lose your voice? that's how i have felt these last few weeks. not sure what to say, or if there's anything to say at all. i sit, and plan to write to you, but i don't know how to let you in, because i have felt on the outside myself.

right now, i feel tired of filling up my calendar, and trying to find somewhere new to live, and tired of wondering when big things will start happening for me. i get so mad at myself when i hope, it feels like someone teetering on the edge of a rooftop. useless, unless you are trying to get hurt.

hope has felt dangerous.

i am not unhappy, and i wouldn't even say that i am lacking in joy. i would say that i fear.

there are limitless roads i could walk down from here.

in my life.

what is not scary about that?

my entire life, i have prayed.

prayed prayed

prayed.

that Jesus would wait to come back until i could become

a wife

and a mom.

and here i am, trying to find something i can do.

not to just to fill the time,

but to start building my own life.

by myself.

i just did not expect this.

though

sometimes,

being alone almost feels like the least frightening option.

tonight i came home mad. and i walked around my house, and talked to this God that loves me, and i asked Him what in the world He is thinking. i do so want to hope, and to believe that He is good (through and through). but my understanding of goodness is so human.

so i doubt.

i wish i could erase it, but that doubt lingers until i'm too scared to hope for anything better than ordinary.

but tomorrow is new.

and i have hope that it will be extraordinary.

internet isolation

2010-09-03T19:55:00.001-04:00

typing this on my phone. i've had no internet for about 2-3 weeks. turns out, life goes on without wifi connection. even so, i will be back soon (i hope) with lots of new stories to tell.

love love.

another saturday night..

2010-08-14T21:45:00.007-04:00

my idea of a perfect night might be different than most.

tonight, me and the other two hogan ladies had some quality target and chipotle time. including picking out sweet baby clothes for winnie. i am powerless against baby girl dresses. and we found her some sweet leggings. (oh i got some awesome purple zipper shoes).

speaking of winnie, here's a recent picture of the coolest babe in town.

and after scarfing down my veggie burrito bowl in record time and dropping the ladies off, i headed to trader joe's for groceries for my all important sunday morning breakfast ritual. mainly i needed half and half for my coffee, but i came home with this:

yikes. and also, really awesome.

i checked my mail and found this:

so after a long week of work, i cracked open one of these, turned on seinfeld, and closed the week out in high style.

happy weekend everyone.

be sure to check out the new food blog venture, over at pizzatoquinoa.blogspot.com -- and maybe just go ahead and follow us.

poor girl pasta

2010-08-09T19:07:00.022-04:00

at the end of any hard day, i want pasta. and a glass of wine. it seems i've earned it, you know? well, right around the 10th-14th food and money are usually tight. but i try to keep these ingredients at all times.

so, i give you -- poor girl pasta.

[please forgive the rudimentary phone photography]

[also, i don't think i am actually poor, i have what i need. just a play on words]

here's what you need:

olive oil
butter
salt and pepper
yellow onion
turkey bacon
extra firm tofu
whole wheat pasta
some type of red sauce
red wine
spinach
cheese

okay, start out filling a pot with water for the pasta. throw some kosher salt in there. bring to a boil. (did you notice i'm pretending to be a food blogger?)

pour some olive oil in a separate pan (a couple of tablespoons, i guess), and throw in a chunk of butter, and salt&pepper. turn it on medium-ish heat. watch it carefully, don't let it burn.

then pull out a cutting board, chop up some onion. i used almost a whole onion, but it's your call. i also rough chopped some turkey bacon. i know the turkey bacon seems odd, but when tofu is your main protein, you really need to add in lots of flavor.

sautee the onion and bacon until the onion is translucent.

chop up your tofu into cubes.

add in the tofu, sprinkle in more salt and pepper. don't be afraid of tofu, it's really good, but has very little flavor of its own, so be sure to season appropriately. at this point, i'd turn the heat up to medium-high, i like for the tofu to be a little crunchy and browned on the outside, and that can take a minute.

your pasta should be close to finished now, and hopefully you were smart enough to boil your water in a larger pot than i did..

you can go ahead and drain your pasta if it's ready. and then it's back to your other pan.

add your red sauce to the tofu mixture (i used trader joe's bolognse sauce).

shortly after that, grab your wine, and pour a swig into your sauce.

turn to low, cover and let simmer for 10 minutes.

so while that's cooking, go back to your drained pasta (which i had to move to another pot, i am not an efficient dish user). add some olive oil to your pasta, throw in some spinach, salt and pepper, and balsamic vinegar.

add in your nicely simmered sauce.

give it a stir.

and serve

be sure to add plenty of cracked pepper to the top, and a little handful of cheese.

these images are super crappy, but trust me on this--it's really good. and if you happen to be a single gal/guy, this will last you an entire weeks' worth of lunches.

the end.

a tour of bay street

2010-08-01T12:20:00.020-04:00

i am nine months into living here in chantilly, and honestly, i love it more here every day. my apartment has had its issues, that is for sure, but i love my little nook of a place. i only have three months left here, and i am really considering renewing my lease, if i can swing it financially on my own.

my nesting instincts come in ebbs and flows and sometimes i'll go months without really paying attention to finding new little treasures, and then it hits and all i want to do is repurpose everything i see, and move things from room to room.

do you want to take a little tour?

so here is my little place.

this is my entryway. including a few of my favorite things. i found the dresser on the curb and fit it in my civic like a jigsaw puzzle. the newspaper article is from the london newspaper the morning after d-day in 1944. and a picture of beulah as a puppy, obviously.

this is my chalkboard wall. i painted this the first weekend i lived here, and i love it. the little shelf is also from the curb. you can't see the lighting thingamajig, but it's a string of lights strung through an old wire tray.

i love a built-in bookshelf. that's all i need to say about that.

here is my currently mouse-free kitchen.

favorite corner of the kitchen.

the layout is a little awkward, but i think i am going to save up for an oversized ottoman to go in that big blank space in front of the bookshelf (which is to the right of this picture).

this little dresser/vanity thing is also a curb find. it's my favorite piece of furniture.

also love that big window.

and my bedroom is literally always a nightmare, but i do have one picture of my bed actually made that doesn't show the mounds of clothes surrounding it.

the headboard is an old screen door from sleepy poet here in charlotte. i'd looked for a headboard for almost a year, and finally found this for $20. then got the old lighting from a place on central avenue for $8.

so i think that's it. well, i do have a guest bedroom, but it's empty besides a bed and dresser, so maybe that will be my next project so you all can come visit soon:)

morning.

2010-07-30T06:44:00.001-04:00

"I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?"

-mary oliver

corrections.

2010-07-19T08:47:00.001-04:00

mondays are supposed to be my clean up days [most times they're sleep in/do nothing days]. i have moved all my furniture and pulled up the rugs. now vacuuming, washing, and baseboard wiping. when this mood settles on me, i am so thankful because it doesn't show its face much around here, so i take full advantage.

life is going smoothly lately. work is comfortable, and most days i even have a slight reserve of energy when i leave work.

have we discussed that i don't have a roommate anymore? maybe we haven't? my roommate moved out the night before i started my new job (in april). i find that when you have a pet, living by yourself is probably for the best. but, i also find that when you are an introvert, you need the accountability of a roommate, or you end up hibernating like a bear in the dead of winter. it's true. give me some netflix and mochi balls and i will set up my cave for days.

so living alone is both good, and..not all that great.

'cause knowing someone is on the other side of the wall when you go to sleep is comforting.

what else can i tell you? well, my chief complaint to the Lord lately, is wanting to be someone's 'ultimate priority'. i actually prayed to be that for someone the other day (ughh). as i was praying that, while driving, it was the most clear and quick answer i've ever heard from the Lord. i was just driving and complaining about having no one in my life that regarded me as their number one. so, i half prayed, half begged God to bring along my 'ultimate priority', and clear as a bell as i was driving down east seventh street, i heard, 'Never'.

and then all of it fell into place. ohhhhh right. i forgot for a second, Jesus is my ultimate priority, and i am His. i drop everything to spend time with Him, and He comes to my rescue on a bad day. why am i searching to replace Him?

i will only ever be disappointed.

sheesh.

what a job description.

so this week i've been retraining my heart to think in those terms. not easy, but i feel strength from the change of perspective already.

"I sought him, but found him not.
I will rise now and go about the city,
in the streets and in the squares;
I will seek him whom my soul loves.
I sought him, but found him not.
The watchmen found me
as they went about in the city.
"Have you seen him whom my soul loves?"

Scarcely had I passed them
when I found him whom my soul loves.

I held him, and would not let him go."

song of solomon 3:2-4

change-community-commission

2010-07-13T21:41:00.000-04:00

i have these friends, the connollys. any of you that happened to have stumbled upon this blog, probably came by way of jessi connolly's blog. we go way back, you see.

but those are stories for another day, and you probably already know most of the stories. here's what i want to talk about today.

gospel community church.

two years ago, when i was living with the connollys in washington, the Lord really made it clear to them that they were supposed to plant a church in boston, massachusetts. i've been able to watch the Lord move to get them there, and i've also seen their hearts grow exponentially for the city. in the last two years, nick has finished seminary, and he and jessi have been figuring out timing for their move.

now is the time.

i will not, and do not pretend that many people read this blog. but i do know there are a couple of you out there, so i need you.

here are immediate needs:

transitional funds for the connollys. while they are getting settled, and accustomed to the city, nick will be working at a local church in boston, and holding down a part time job, while jessi will be home with their 3 kids.
prayers for the connollys logistically. this is a big move for anyone, much less a family with three very young children. prayers for the kids' hearts and that they feel secure and at home no matter where they are. and really, let's be honest, for the endurance of marathon runners for nick and jessi to get through the physical act of moving with three kids.
their hearts for boston. that the Lord would speak to them and give them specific insight into the hearts and minds of the people there, even now.
investors. long term, consistent investors in this ministry.

alright, so here's the thing. we have all read blogs like this, or gotten letters in the mail asking for financial help for different ministries. and aren't we all relieved to see the little box that you can check off to pray for someone instead of sending money? well, that's pretty crappy, huh? in a couple of ways.

prayer is not the passive option.

prayer is active.

so, i challenge you:

pray

stretch yourself

tell others about gospel community

think about who you know who could invest

ask them

invest what you have

big or little

let God surprise you

give Him the chance to

let's be the church.

please tweet or use this as your facebook update:

"Be a catalyst for the gospel in Boston, from wherever you are: gospelcommunity.com"

email me with any questions: lehogan@gmail.com

dear winns--

2010-07-12T09:09:00.003-04:00

little bear, you are nine weeks old today! you and your family are on vacation, so i must write to you to relay my birthday wishes.

just a short year ago, no one even knew you, or even knew you were on your way. isn't that strange?

i don't have much wisdom to impart to you. but, when i think of you, i think of all the magical and special things you have ahead of you. and i mainly just want to protect that little winnie that is in you right now. the unaffected beauty that is so new and straight from Jesus.

yes, that is how i feel, like a protector of your newness.

i think when we get older that newness has a tendency to wear off, which can make us a little hard. i pray you'd always remember what gave you the most joy as a child, and that you'll be able to carry that through life with you. don't ever let anyone take those things from you.

so, as you keep growing i pray that your little mind and heart would know a greater love. you'll see how great the love of your mom and dad and family are. and it will be great. but i think your heart already knows the One that knit you up. hold on to that, you probably know Him more clearly and simply than any of us ever could.

so just hold on.

i love you. and i can't wait to watch your life unfold.

--auntie lo

modine matters

2010-07-04T08:18:00.000-04:00

after my nutritious breakfast of chips and guacamole, i turned on 'weeds' this morning, and was surprised to see my old friend matthew modine.

let's rewind. about a year ago, when i was still a nanny, the twins and i were playing outside in their driveway. they were pretty young, and at the age where the slightest breeze will send them tumbling head over heels. they loved to play the game where i would sit on the ground and both of them would run at me full speed. i'd catch them, and then release them to do it again and again. well, that afternoon, as jenna was running at me, she stumbled, tried to brace herself, but slammed her forehead on the concrete. it was a swollen goose egg within a few seconds. we iced it, gave her some baby tylenol, and called the parents. no answer. emailed. no answer.

finally 15 minutes later (30 minutes late to relieve me) the dad showed up and we headed to urgent care. when we arrived, the nurse kept referring to me as 'your wife' when speaking to nanny dad. the doctor only directed questions to me, and the kids refused to let their dad hold them.

oh help.

then after about 20 calls from nanny dad and me, nanny mom calls back, and i can hear her screaming at nanny dad asking why everyone had been calling her. nanny dad, who was/is the world's biggest pushover, manned up, and said, "your daughter is in the ER" and hung up. huzzah!

finally, we are checking out, and i'm herding bryson out the door while holding a banged up baby. i look up, and see matthew modine walking into the urgent care.

we make eye contact.
he compliments me on my beautiful son.
and beautiful family.

i stumble over my words, but before i can respond, he asks my opinion on the balloon boy (remember that?). i have no idea what i said. he and his publicist (or whoever) talk back and forth, mr. modine then pats jenna on the head (as if he's running for office), and continues on his way.

nanny dad and i walk out to the car, he says nothing, and i whisper, "he's famous."

lesson #1: i should've said, "i'm just the nanny, mr. modine"
lesson #2: always care more about inconsequential news stories.

because if i had done either of those, i mean, i'd probably be lauren modine right now, and have a nanny of my own and a bunch of step-kids.

what?

i am charming.

oy vey.

2010-06-28T08:39:00.000-04:00

well, in the last 24 hours my toilet has overflowed all over my bathroom, my dog got into the garbage and had it strewn nicely all over the house, and i'm pretty sure there is a dead something somewhere in my house. cause it smells like dead something.

regroup.

today is already better. i'm sitting on a bed with clean sheets (does wonders for the soul), listening to miracle fortress and drinking my coffee. there is still a plunger propped in my toilet from earlier, a stack of dishes waiting for their turn in the dishwasher, and enough dog hair to make a full-sized beulah clone.

but it is alright.

[back to the dog hair thing for a second: if anyone has a really high powered, dog hair capable vacuum that they're not using/want to give to a needy girl, i will be accepting offers at any time. thank you].

moving on.

i have mentioned a few times how much i love breakfast. the food, the feeling, the light in the morning, sitting with coffee, and you're in pajamas. what is not to love? i get a joyful feeling just thinking about it. well, i love this blog called: simply breakfast. go there. i really wish my breakfasts looked like this everything morning instead of stuffing down a soy joy bar on the way to work.

oh listen, this has nothing to do with anything, but, i'm going to tell you anyway.

so i don't have tv at my house. no, that is not some sort of stance against the state of american entertainment. i mostly love american television. i'm just poor, y'all.

anyway, so i have netflix, a dvd collection, and the occasional redbox rental. for a couple of months, i have been watching law and order svu. i had never watched an episode, but for some reason, sitting alone in my house watching a show about sex crimes is all i have wanted to do. [i know..] also, maybe the weirdest part about it was that i started on the last season and was working my way backwards. it makes total sense to me, so whatever.

yesterday i was watching an especially captivating episode about a cult leader that conned all these women and got a bunch of teenagers pregnant [i know..] but man, i was into it. and in the middle of that darn episode, netflix conspires against me, and takes all of the seasons of law and order svu off of instant play. in the middle of searching for pregnant 12 year old melanie at the garbage dump. what???!

all of this to say, i am accepting recommendations for television shows. especially from those of you who have netflix.

and to return the favor, i will give you a rundown of the tv shows i am watching and loving:

1. friday night lights. i am not even going to try to give you reasons to watch it. i would actually suggest that you get netflix just so you can watch season 1-3. i cannot say enough about this show. i was skeptical too, but trust me on this.

2. mad men. listen to what i am saying, do whatever you can to try to catch up. season 4 starts july 25.

3. parenthood. just watch it.

alright, so there are my recommendations. do any of y'all watch those shows? tell me what you think. what else are you watching?

[post edit: as i was pressing the button to publish this, the apartment maintenance man knocks on my door. cue beulah peeing everywhere and barking, me frantically throwing on clothes, grabbing my underwear that was drying all over my dining room table, and opening the door with pajamas and a crazy face with acne meds dotted all over. did i mention his 10 year old kid was with him? pretty sure he was traumatized by the stray bra that was hanging on my bedroom door. uggggggggghhhh]

my year according to my phone

2010-06-21T22:10:00.000-04:00

i was looking through the 900 some odd pictures on my phone, and thought we could take a little journey. i don't have a camera, so my ever present phone captures everything. so, let's begin:

this year i

got ready for a wedding

loved this curly-headed nanny babe.

went to chicago.

played in a creek with my pup.

watched my boss run over my car.

dressed nanny kid up in a lobster costume.

got the crazy shingles and was stuck at home for 2 weeks.

made mini-smores with ally. (teddy graham, mini-marshmallow, chocolate chip)

found out we were adding a family member.

moved again..

went to john's on saturdays with lace.

dogworked.

felt shame about how i looked at the grocery store.

made some leisurely breakfasts.

spent a lot of time doing this.

was blessed with a new car.

got nervous while waiting in traffic to see jay-z.

made it into the jay-z concert, and feared for my life.

saw this peach get married.

spent my easter with a few friends.

fell asleep when i had people over for dinner.

got wayyyy too into seeing bon jovi. embarrassed ally.

it was worth it.

loved my city.

got some flowers at work on my bday.

met my niece.

drank coffee by lake norman.

so i think that catches us up.

june '10

2010-06-14T07:27:00.000-04:00

i think i'll look back on these early days of my adulthood and laugh. a lot.

like this morning. i have next to no food in my house (until i get paid tomorrow:), so i laid in my bed thinking about what was in my pantry, and what i could create for breakfast out of those items. all i have is flour, oil, baking soda, sugar, bottled lemon juice, and half and half. so i threw them in a bowl and made some muffins. yesterday, i found a bag of no-name unground coffee in my cabinet, and i don't have a coffee grinder, and was not making a trip out just try to find someone who'd grind my coffee at 6am. so, i pulled out my cutting board and my biggest knife and went to town chopping that coffee. there were coffee beans flying everywhere.

but i ended up with a decent, albeit, watery cup of french press and some eatable lemon muffins.

all while checking every dish and nook for mice or evidence of their presence. trying to decide what i would do if i actually came face-to-whiskers with one of them. pretty sure i'd be on top of my dining room table before i could form a coherent thought.

i have been fighting the good fight against these mice for the better part of a month, and..they are winning. like mice: 1,026, lauren: 0. they have outsmarted every trap i've set for them. my mom even convinced me that they will start stealing my jewelry soon (did she mean my $3 urban earrings..?). i even considered getting a cat yesterday just to come in and get the job done, but then my sanity returned, and my resolve to catch these little buggers grew by a million percent. i love animals, but i want these things dead. and when i say that i feel guilty, and i think about the mousekiwitz family:

(we watched 'fievel goes west' approximately 319 times at our house growing up. and that's a conservative estimate.)

anyway, that is my life right now: mice and poverty.

and i don't hate it.

stand on the ol' plateau

2010-05-13T20:04:00.000-04:00

i have this new job. it's going well. but i find that when i'm done at 5pm, i can't be around people. this is new to me. my old job was so isolated that i practically ran to every social function i could after work. now, i just want to hide in a cave and watch netflix. i am a true introvert. i have to recharge by myself. so being around people all day long fulfills my complete need for social interaction, and i'm like a depleted battery by the time i get home.

and so i sit quietly and stare straight ahead.

this is an odd shift, and i haven't quite figured it out yet. but really, most nights, i'm a mute. i've talked all day. i have nothing left.

more staring.

i feel like my social reservoir will grow back soon, but i'm just allowing myself this time to retreat. no more 60hr a week job, no more part time weekend job, taking a break from volunteering and leading and going to community groups. take a deep breath, and reassess. really scaling back on my busyness.

in other news, i am officially an auntie. as of monday, may 10, 2010 at 4:31pm, my niece, winnie eloise hogan came bursting onto the scene. we are in love. maria is a beautiful amazing mom already. i want to be like her. jared is doing great, and their little fam is knitting itself together for the times ahead.

when i look at pictures of winnie (a thousand times at work during the day), it is the most bizarre thing. i see jared and my dad, and maria's chin. and certain pictures actually make me gasp, because it's like this deja vu feeling. has anyone else ever felt like that about a baby? like, i know you from..somewhere. you little baby, you.

i know if you follow any of us on twitter, you've seen pictures, but can i interest you in a few more?

me, ri, and beu on my birthday, and two days before winnie's birthday

she's here!

grandmas

poppa

meeting her

and this one..i don't even know what to say.

winnie--2 days old.

that's all for now. oh, i found a sweet dresser on the side of the road last night. i'm gonna try to make it awesome. fyi, picking up furniture off the side of the road is much harder now that i drive a civic. just sayin'.

mothers-daughters-granddaughters

2010-05-09T14:14:00.000-04:00

so, it's mother's day 2010. yesterday was my 26th birthday. i worked during the day, and met my family at the park by my house. we ate, laid on a blanket and threw the ball for beulah. it was perfect.

i got flowers, and my parents brought some of my grandmother's plates i'd been wanting that are now displayed in my house. i'm washing clothes and sheets and getting ready for visitors. just got off the phone with my mom, and we talked about tomorrow, and how fun it will be next year to celebrate my birthday, mother's day, and ______'s birthday (baby girl hogan) all within a few days.

i figure this little girl's birth is most exciting thing to happen in my life, only second to having my own child/getting married. so much joy, it's paralyzing. jared and maria as dad and mom. christmases with a baby. getting to be her auntie and living in the same city. or when she gets older, making cookies together, and she and beulah being buddies and running around the park together.

when you think about how much joy there is in the birth of a child, it feels too overwhelming. because it is the beginning of everything. every single thing for her. we can tell her stories about today, and yesterday, and how we thought about her, and discussed at length whose eyelashes she'd have.

so, our family is growing, and it will be terrific. i covet your prayers for maria, jared, and baby over the next few days. pictures to come:)

write your mercy here

2010-05-03T11:58:00.000-04:00

my big dream

today is my new weekend. mondays, i feel, are soon to be my favorite day of the week. today i am cleaning my house from top to bottom. with a baby soon to be joining us, that means grandparents will be joining me here on bay street. washing sheets, windexing, and cometing every surface. ahhhh, what a good feeling to go into the week with clean clothes and countertops.

i started my new job this week, sometimes i wish there wasn't so much to learn-- all the time. i'm realizing something, my whole life right now feels like a new job. exciting, overwhelming, and a little like i don't know where to stand so i'm not in the way of everyone else doing their job (life) with such clear purpose.

i'm thankful for a learning curve (grace) in life and in work.

rest

2010-04-18T18:43:00.001-04:00

my view at the park

sometimes i fill my life up so much it feels like i'm a prisoner to my schedule. i felt that way last night, and got angry. [excuse me, martha?]. today, i was forced to slow down when i got a little sickish while i was volunteering at church. i came home, cleaned my house, picked some flowers to put on my table. ginny and raechel stopped by and we talked and talked about Jesus, and our hearts, and what we secretly fear.

later, i took beulah on a slow walk down to the park with my iPod loaded with the morning session from judah smith's visit to elevation this week, ironically on 'rest'. i laid in the grass and found so much hope in what i heard.

thanks for giving me a chance to slow down, Lord, and thank you even more for rest only you can give.

i can't not

2010-04-09T12:16:00.000-04:00

it's required that i share this recipe with you. funnily enough, jess just posted a maple bacon donut recipe on her blog today. it all started the other day when i finally looked at a baking blog i'd heard a lot about. joy the baker.

go there now.

she's awesome, and i printed out almost 15 of her recipes.

like a loser, all i could think about was the peanut butter bacon cookies. because, i mean, that's all of my favorite things in ONE cookie. need proof?

this is actually in my kitchen.

and this is the only picture i was able to get of the cookies:

anyway, so make these cookies. [here is the link to joy's recipe]

i made a few adjustments (just because i needed to use what i had in my pantry). it should also be said that this recipe only calls for 5 ingredients (and does not include flour), including the bacon. also, i used turkey bacon, and it seemed to work fine. all we had was reduced fat jiffy PB, and that didn't seem to mess them up too much either. oh, and i didn't have brown sugar, so i just threw some molasses into white granulated and made my own 'brown sugar' which also didn't mess them up horribly. this is one tough cookie (see what i did there?).

happy friday/weekend/bacon cookie cooking!

*please ignore the crazy formatting. blogger had a mind of its own today*

i got the fever

2010-04-05T09:47:00.000-04:00

my heart is so into spring and summer right now. i want to go and buy a couple of these:

and pretend i have grass in my backyard, string up some lights, and fire up the grill.

please look at this summer bbq menu.

(via the kitchen sink blog)

right?? here's the link to one of my favorite recipe blogs.

also, check out the strawberry rhubarb pie they have on that same menu:

(the kitchen sink blog)

oy vey, i just want to come home sunburned and cook all afternoon:)

here are a few more pictures that are getting me excited for springtime(summertime):

(via design*sponge)

(via cup of jo)

and last but not least, my new favorite thing. outstanding in the field is touring around the united states, and partnering with local farmers and chefs to host meals benefitting farmers.

i reaaaaally love this. really.

maybe a little too vulnerable?

2010-03-30T13:17:00.001-04:00

gosh, life is full these days. i have many jumbled thoughts and theories on where i am presently. i am deeply content with where the Lord has me, and a little stronger from the major gutting that my heart has undergone in the last few years.

alright, so let's be real here for a minute. i figure if i am going through something, maybe someone reading this is too. and i don't think christians talk about singleness (singlehood?) in a positive light, so let's work this out.

for the last few days, i've had a bit of a hard time feeling really unseen, like actually nonexistent to the opposite sex. these feelings make it easy for old thought patterns to spring up in me, which is not okay. then that insecurity gives me an urgency to change or fix my situation. change this part of myself that maybe isn't pleasing. lose 5 lbs. don't be so blunt. grow my hair out. get rid of that zit. don't talk so much. whatever it is.

as i have been really aware of these feelings and thought through them, i remembered something i prayed for a lot in college.

we had a speaker in chapel at some point in my time at north greenville who spoke about adam and eve (genesis 2). how the Lord placed adam in a "deep sleep" while He was creating eve, and didn't wake him until she was created, ready, and waiting for him. the speaker put that picture alongside song of solomon 2:7 which says, "daughters of jerusalem, i charge you, by the gazelles and by the does of the field, do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires". he encouraged us to stay in that "deep sleep" until it was evident that the Lord was waking us up.

that was such a clear picture and idea that i carried with me for years, and prayed that the Lord would keep me asleep until (or if) He has a mate for me.

i had totally forgotten about that.

this weekend, i was praying (read: complaining) and i remembered that prayer from college and felt a little stupid. i've been feeling unseen, forgotten, all that stuff. but is it the desire of the Lord for me to be attractive and winsome to a large audience? no. actually, no. that is my need for approval that is telling me i should be affirmed by joe schmohawk. i am just bored in the waiting, and feel like i need to be distracted, and that is not the heart of the Lord for me. to be pacified because i'm bored.

so, if we're being honest, i am a little annoyed with myself for praying that prayer so fervently. ha. but that's alright. at least i'm reminded i'm not even supposed to be seen yet. so, i'll stay asleep, and be thankful for remembering its purpose.

kiss

2010-03-25T16:46:00.001-04:00

here you are: prince for the thursday lulllzzzz.

enjoy.

wow

2010-03-18T13:42:00.001-04:00

i have been reading molly piper's blog for a while now. sadly, like many mommy/life/woman blogs, her's was born out of tragedy, or at least came to the forefront during a really sad time in their lives. molly is john piper's daughter-in-law. she and her husband lost their second baby, felicity a little over 2 years ago.

anyway, after seeing a tweet from john piper today saying something about molly's ultrasound, i checked her blog, and you just have to read it. i'll let it speak for itself.

sunday in the kitchen

2010-03-14T08:59:00.001-04:00

shaking things up a bit, and writing on a different day than saturday. well, it's sunday, but at least i'm out of the saturday on the couch habit. right now, i'm making sunday morning breakfast.

i was just thinking that i miss living in a family. it's fun to wake up on a sunday morning and have everyone stumble out in their pajamas and have orange danish rolls from the pillsbury tube. i mean, think about it. as a kid, you get the benefits of family with none of the responsibility. but, i guess, you never realize that when you're a kid. you think the world is ending when your brother is playing video games and you're missing "little house on the prairie".

...no? that was just me?

anyway, i just made some eggs, cinnamon raisin whole wheat english muffin, and some coffee. i found an interesting recipe for whole wheat english muffins that i'd like to try. english muffins are fascinating to me. and seem like they might be difficult to get right. okay, so i threw some hummus and cheddar cheese in the eggs, and garlic of course, they're pretty good, but for some reason they came out tasting like fried chicken. odd?

let me tell you something about the garlic. over a month ago, laci and i went down to the farmers market by the airport. i bought an enormous bag of pre-peeled heads of garlic. none of the papery mess but you still get the satisfaction of slamming them to bits before chopping them up. i have been steadily using that garlic in ev-ery-thing. really. it's pathetic. not kidding when i say that i take that bag of garlic with me to people's houses. so weird and embarrassing, but i do. the other night i went down to ally's and we were making grilled cheese and tomato soup, and ally already had all the stuff, but when i stopped by my house, i grabbed that dang garlic hoping we could use it somehow. so, i walk in to ally's house with my pitiful bag of the smelly stuff. ally was confused and beulah was definitely embarrassed and i'm pretty sure she texted one of her friends and said something like, "OMG, you will NOT believe what my mom just did".

all that said, i may have hit my limit with garlic. i never thought that day would come, but here it is. you know it's bad when you're carrying your own garlic from place to place. i need to be cut off.

please know that this used to be in a large grocery sized plastic bag. whittled it down to a ziploc.

have a great week everyone! maybe i'll see you sometime this week on a non-saturday/sunday. did i mention my computer is broken?

it's not you, it's definitely me.

Dear Niece Baby,

2010-03-06T12:19:00.002-05:00

we had a party for you last night. both of your grandmas were there, and lots of your mom and dad's friends. it was sweet and fun, and everyone is so excited to meet you.

you got lots of new clothes, so you'll never have that anxious 'what to wear' feeling when you're picking out your outfits in the morning:)

we all get to meet you in about 2 months. now to you i bet that feels like a long time, but it's really so soon! so you keep on growing and hanging out with your momma, and when the weather finally gets warm and nice, why don't you come out to play?

we love you so much already, and can't wait to learn who you are, and if you have curly hair? no hair? teddy's long eyelashes?

see you soon little bug!

auntie

(ps--sorry i don't take more pictures)

another saturday on the couch

2010-02-27T17:55:00.001-05:00

eek. saturday again. i just woke up from a nap, and it's dark in our apartment. i slept in my wedding shower clothes, and i'm not sure why. we got to celebrate raech today, which was really great. she has been such a great part of my life here in charlotte. have i told you that we met at remuda ranch? and there is such a sweetness to that aspect of our relationship. like, i sort of just want to go hug her right now, and also thank God for knowing how special it'd be to have a friend in my life that shared that experience.

i'm drinking a little coffee to wake me up for girl time tonight. also, caedmon's call is playing. what a throw back that is. sheesh. i remember looooving them so much in middle and high school. and for some reason any time i hear them now, i picture my freshmen english classroom. weird, huh? i've heard a lot of friends talking lately about how they'd do high school differently now. it's probably because we're quickly approaching our 10 year reunion. maybe.

let me be honest here for a second. i'm not over high school. i've been able to overcome a lot of insecurities in the 10 years since i walked high school halls, but i break into a sweat just thinking about P.E. class or the cafeteria (ack!!!). that's for real, guys.

maybe i need to go to my 10 year reunion just to face that fear? thoughts? (it's still 2 years away..)

march is almost here, and 2010 is just plugging along. so far so good, i think. how has y'alls year been so far? tell me things. i can't tell you to write or blog more, because i have been bad about it lately. well, for a while now. i think i'll treasure these little snippets in the future. not life changing, but a time capsule of my life now.

after thinking about my high school reunion and how much i don't want to go, i think i should make a to-do list of scary things. public speaking, high school reunions, karaoke, stand up comedy, you know horrific things like that. and then do them:)

happy almost spring!!!

consecration and cars

2010-02-20T08:34:00.002-05:00

I have been attempting to write for some time, but just have not been able to wrap my brain around it. But, Saturday mornings always help sort things out for me. A little bacon and lingering time over coffee are capable of great things in my life.

This week has been long. Long, but purposeful. The funny thing is, I'm not totally sure of its purpose yet. That's why it's been tough to update you, because I'm smack in the middle of untangling the 27 different things that I feel like the Lord is teaching me about the events of this week alone.

A couple of weeks ago, I asked you all for prayer for reliable transportation, and I was so excited to share with you about how the Lord provided. A few days after I got my new car, it was broken into while I was at church.

When I walked out and saw it, I was just really sad. And this is where I'm still working all this out and asking God to teach me, because how do you remain thankful and responsible for the gifts He's given you, wihthout holding on to them too tight? I feel so thankful for his provision that I want to take care of it well. You know, be a good steward (and all those other Sunday school words).

But this week, I've found myself thinking selfish and materialistic things about my car being broken into. I wasn't sinned against. How could I have been? If I truly believed the Lord gave me this car, then this is not a crime against me.

The implications of that are huge, though. Like knowing that we ourselves are not our own, so when we are sinned against, being offended is pretty pointless. Because as my Creator, he is also my defender, and what He provides is his to defend. From cars to jobs, to a husband or my family.

So, I wouldn't call this week 'fun', but gosh, it has stretched and challenged me to keep my hands open in all areas of my life.

butch

2010-02-09T23:05:00.001-05:00

i cannot sleep. it's now 11:06pm on tuesday. this has been the nuttiest day. i spent the first half of my day praying and walking beulah and getting ready for my parents to come up so we could go look at cars.

i'm writing this now because i don't want to forget anything about today. i received so many texts and emails letting me know that you were praying. thank you.

as my dad and i walked around the lot, my mom brought a salesmen over named butch. he wasn't a swindler, wasn't high pressure, just a good ol' north carolina man. we all talked easily and as the day went on, we all really came to like this butch guy. in between phone calls and financing negotiations he sort of 'accidentally' shared that he and his wife had separated a few months ago, he continued to talk and his voice cracked and he tried to control it, but couldn't. and started to cry right there in his little cubicle.

the three of us sat and listened. i don't think anyone had listened to that man in a long time. as quick as it began, it was over, and we went on about the business of buying a car. we spent about 6 hours at the dealership today, and got to know ol' butch pretty well by the end of things. as we were leaving, he told my parents he'd be sure to take care of me anytime my car needed to be serviced, and that they shouldn't worry. he slipped an envelope in my dad's hand and we all went our separate ways.

my parents called me on the way home, and read me the note that butch had written. he said he believed that Lord had brought us there today, and that he was so thankful for our kindness and willingness to listen to his broken heart.

we walked onto the lot this afternoon needing favor, and he had walked into work this morning needing someone to listen. and the Lord provided for both of us today.

in the middle

2010-02-09T09:53:00.001-05:00

i am at home at 9:54am on a tuesday. i have had the last few days off (the twins are on a trip with their grandma), and i'm thankful for that because my car finally decided to bite the dust yesterday. in the middle of 3rd street during rush hour, with beulah in the car (at least it didn't happen with the twins in the car, thank you Jesus). thinking about attempting life without a car is..interesting. in the grand scheme of life, this is such a tiny problem, i know that. but right now, this feels like an insurmountable mountain of a problem.

can i tell you a secret? in situations like this, when an issue is not life or death, a little part of me gets excited. because in my mind, there seems to be no solution. but God is at work on my behalf. i have to believe that.

gosh, this sounds so over-spiritual, but He has taught me so much through this car thing. trying to be faithful to keep up my car as well as i possibly can has felt like i am investing in nothing, and i have rebelled many times feeling like i shouldn't have to change a tire, or check my oil, or put a new hose on my crank case ventilator (might have gotten the name of that one wrong..). but He is teaching me faithfulness. and He is teaching me to check my pride on what i think i deserve.

so, i'm sitting here on my bed, praying for a solution, His solution. because His ideas are greater, and His provision is better than what i could run around and try to work out on my own.

get excited, because His answer will come. not just about a car, or about a job, but about the big things too. illness or marital problems, death or infertility. His answer is coming for you, too. so we will continue sowing seeds of faithfulness, and wait on His solution.

because how much better is that?

tuesday

2010-02-02T14:42:00.001-05:00

a smorgasbord of stuff headed your way:

i need to start baking artisan bread. i've been meaning to do this for months. here is the best recipe (click here).
i would also like to start making granola that will last me for a week of breakfasts. HERE is the best recipe for that.
i've found my favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe (for the time being). i add a little sea salt (yummmm). if you want this top secret recipe, you have to ask:) this one's too good to let go so easily.
tonight is LOST party. yeah! if you have a LOST party of your own, or want something quick and easy to make for the super bowl, THIS is my favorite dip and it takes about five minutes start to finish.

the end.

happy lost watching:)

roots

2010-01-21T15:38:00.003-05:00

when i first moved to charlotte, life felt nutty.

i just remembered how out of control it felt because 'skeleton bones' by john mark mcmillan came on. you see, when i got my land rover back from jared, he had a mixed cd in the car that included that song. i loved it quickly, and still have no idea what he is saying the majority of the time, but i sing with gusto anyway.

let's look at the calendar, my dad flew out to washington on march 16, and we set out across the country on tuesday, march 17. we were in columbia by sunday, march 22. [i was set to move to charlotte on april 6] the next week i was in savannah visiting with jared and maria, and picking up my car, and still job searching. my living situation was not set in stone yet, and i was dragging beulah around the world with me. i remember having a meltdown in savannah and feeling like i was at the mercy of everyone in my life to let me sleep on their couch, without a dollar to my name.

as the days tricked by, i knew i'd have to set out on my own and just start somewhere. while i was in savannah, i had a phone interview for a nanny position, and set up an interview for the next week, april 2. that next week i was back and forth in savannah, columbia, and charlotte. that sunday night, april 5, i was emailed saying i didn't get the nanny position, only to be called the next day [the day i'm packing up to move] and was told, "you did get the job afterall", and was asked to start the next day. eeeeeek.

i drove up here, beulah in tow, with literally a blanket and a pillow and one box of things. i had never met the girls i was living with, and there was the added layer of 2 cats and a dog living in a combined space. i was anxious and just plain scared. i stopped and visited jared at elevation's offices hoping maybe he'd come to the house with me to 'unload' (one box, remember?). he couldn't and i think i started to cry a little when i left him.

up and starting something new is scary.

i remember laura troutman praying for me over the phone as i drove up to the house to move in, and i remember the Lord giving me so much courage and confidence through that prayer. so, i tied beulah's leash to a tree out front while i brought in my meager belongings, and met JB and her fiance Ben. i got directions to the closest grocery store, and went to get beulah some food. the first few weeks i lived here, i didn't have provisions for beulah during the day, which was sort of a nightmare. she couldn't be out in the house because she wasn't used to cats. i thought i had a solution, which then fell through. after that didn't work out, i sat in a dunkin donuts parking lot on south kings, stole some internet to get directions home, and i cried. i guess big changes do that to all of us.

coming off a year of living on support, i had no savings. so those first weeks and months were a real financial adventure as well. let's just say there were lots of pb&js eaten.

that first week was full of craziness, my driver's side wiper blade going out in a huge rainstorm on i-277 (took me an hour and a half to get from east blvd. to my house), got lost on the way to my first sunday at elevation (providence). and i mean, i really got lost. but, i've told that story before.

in the midst of it all though, i knew every morning i could get in my car and the same cd would be playing. i didn't have friends yet, and sometimes i still got lost on the way home, but i knew it was temporary. and one day i came home, and suggested ally and i watch 'freaks and geeks' and after that, i had a lifelong friend:)

lots of things started to change and become more familiar. seemingly unimportant things happened like finding beulah a place to play during the day (for free). friends started to appear, like at jared and maria's housewarming party, i met laci. or the time i was crying after getting lost and met ashley. or the time jared invited me to the elevation cd release party (maria was out of town), and told me it was casual, and we got there and it was black tie (i was in jeans), i met cheyenne that night. a few weeks later, i ran into an old friend from arizona, raechel.

then a blast from the past, kristin camp moved to charlotte.

thinking back on march and april, i see that on january 21, 2010, roots are growing. i see the goodness of the Lord. i am thankful for a challenging transition into life in charlotte, and there is a deep joy in my heart when i think about the people the Lord has brought my way in nine short months.

"Oh let us adore the

Son of Glory dressed in love

Open up your gates before him

Crown Him, stand Him up"

skeleton bones, by john mark mcmillan

certainly uncertain

2010-01-19T11:19:00.001-05:00

do a day, and then repeat. do a week, and then repeat. get off work, have people over, go to bed. i am a creature of habit these days. rise at 5am, bed at 10pm. maybe 11:30pm if something unforseen happens, or if a conversation is especially good.

midnight? let's not get crazy.

it's actually tuesday, but feels like monday because yesterday was mlk day. i was weirded out all day, probably because i have become so intrenched in my ways, and was confused about not being at work on a monday. what a silly thing to waste a day off feeling out of synch.

ally and rocco came down to play yesterday. we went to chantilly park and threw the ball for the dogs, and then stopped by the friendly mart for push pops. it was slightly warm, but the afternoon had the feeling of summer. like we should've gone home and grilled out, and had all my windows open and laid around on lawn chairs on my patio, and spent the night slapping away mosquitoes.

isn't it fun to think about the next season? i love that in a few months, i'll be wishing for cold days piled under blankets, but for now, i look forward to springtime, and what comes with it-- a hogan baby.

a little suggestion:

i love how she talks about food and life, and how the two shape each other.

is it best?

2010-01-05T10:43:00.001-05:00

sometimes i rebuy albums. like just now, i rebought david gray's lost songs. when i was 15, i clung to music for dear life. i remember buying coldplay's parachutes and david gray's white ladder on the same best buy run. i also remember those 2 albums changing the way i listened to music, and leading to other high school favorites like the strokes and travis and rufus wainwright. i found identity in those lyrics and maybe a bit of pretentiousness (maybe not a word..?) in knowing no one else at my little private school knew or cared about these groups.

i wrote a while back about how it made me feel to listen to joni mitchell's blue album after not listening to it for a few years, and my experience this morning is similar. listening to these songs again, i feel what it felt like to be 15, 16, 17. remember how when you're young you drive around just to listen to music? there'd be a new mix for almost any car ride. i knew the music backwards and forwards, inside and out, so much so, that hearing it now makes me emotional for every moment that was spent with this playing in the background.

this morning, i'm feeling it. it's a hard day at work. and listening to david gray is making me think.

the kids are out of sorts, and we're not back in the groove yet after our holiday break. i know that loneliness is a struggle for everyone, married or single, parents or the childless, this i know. it's easy to blame our discontent on whatever stage of life we are in. but that's not really what is to blame. my loneliness right now is more about not seeking the Lord with the intensity that i should, than it is about not having a man in my life. maybe your loneliness is about not serving and loving your spouse the way you should, or maybe your kids are teenagers now and life feels different, and they don't need you as much. whatever. people and loved ones can only do so much for our hearts.

easy to forget that though.

i don't often write about what i'm reading in the Bible, because truthfully, what God is teaching me is never quite as relevant and exciting to others as it is to me, but this morning during my 'lay around time' [[raechel's lay around time definition: get up, start coffee, get a book, Bible, blanket and just survive until the coffee is ready, and drink the entire pot. been doing this for two days now instead of rolling out of bed and walking to my car. so far so good. just have to wake up at 5am to do it..]] i was reading in 1 corinthians and was so encouraged by the words i read. i swear they were a little too poignant.

"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life." 1 corinthians 7:17

WHAT. woosh, okay, let's keep going.

"All of you, slave and free both, were once held hostage in a sinful society. Then a huge sum was paid out for your ransom. So please don't, out of old habit, slip back into being or doing what everyone else tells you. Friends, stay where you were called to be. God is there. Hold the high ground with him at your side." 1 corinthians 7:23-24

isn't it STILL (as a 25 year old), so easy to believe the lie that if we compromise on a few things, that life would be easier, and better things would come our way? hold the high ground, friends, God is there.

"I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions." 1 corinthians 7:32-34

this time is golden. that is something i will have to repeat to myself many times. probably a few times a day. something pastor steven said months and months ago, has stuck with me in an every day way. without remembering the exact context, he said a simple way to help in decision making is to ask, "is it best?". hold it up next to scripture, filter it through the words of Jesus. is it best?

what do i desire in my heart for my life to look like right now, and is that actually best for today? i have this golden time to become holy and whole before the Lord.

I pray that i will not waste another minute hoping to be somewhere else, or wishing for a different story. You are my story, Lord. Give me courage to hold the high ground.

january

2010-01-01T14:10:00.002-05:00

this is what i am doing right now. it's my last day off and the last day having our little christmas tree up. there's much to be done today, but i have become an expert in doing nothing over the last week. so..i have on my cleaning/organizing motivational movie, you've got mail, but i have managed to sit here the entire movie and not clean OR organize. oh well, i suppose that's what last days off are for.

it's a new year, and since i'm not in school anymore and am no longer on that academic schedule, january really feels like a new beginning instead of the end of christmas break.

starting a new year is a bit daunting, no? but man, so full of hope.

the holidays were sometimes restful, and sometimes..not. but, i'm thankful for the time spent relaxing and not being a nanny. (but i do miss those babes).

anyway, there's a lot i could catch you up on, none of it very titillating (that word makes me uncomfortable), but for now, maybe i'll nap through the rest of you've got mail. so much for this movie motivating me to clean.

hey, i'll see you all back in real life.

merry christmas to me

2009-12-18T14:46:00.001-05:00

hello everyone.

i just bought myself a terrific christmas gift. i've had my eye on a few first editions of julia child's "mastering the art of french cooking" (volume 1) for months and months. today i decided i'd buy both volumes 1&2 new from amazon, wear them out, use them, age them, and hand them down to my daughters and granddaughters one day (if that is how life plays out). and the thought of this has made my afternoon.

life is good these days. right now i have about 16 projects going, none completed. a half painted bathroom, a 3/4 completed wreath, and an apartment smack in the middle of being home-ified. lots of plans are incomplete as well, but that's just taking up space in my head, and not on my dining room table (like all the piles of glitter, pine cones, and felt..eek).

last night i finally received some prints from jared and maria's wedding. having this picture up in my house is joyous.

also, i would like to recommend nellie mckay's new album. the entire album is a tribute to doris day, and it is SASSY and festive.

nellie's album here.

happy sleet day, guys.

be careful..

2009-12-17T13:22:00.001-05:00

guys, i am finally watching 'food inc.' and let me warn you: you can never unsee this movie. it is shocking. actually shocking.

i am hoping to get a copy of the movie to show friends and family, if you're interested in seeing it, let me know. i'm far from an activist but something has to change, that's for sure.

here's the website

i posted the trailer a while back, but here it is again:

--foodINC--

a few reasons the next two days might kill me.

2009-12-11T13:57:00.001-05:00

phew. i feel like i can't catch my breath. i have been working two jobs for over six months now, and really my 'dog job' doesn't take up a lot of time, it's just that saturday is like my day, ya know? my make pancakes, eggs, and bacon, and sit on the couch with my cup of coffee for three hours day. or at least it feels like it should be.

but since i go into work at 2pm, it never feels relaxed. it just feels like i'm wasting my non-working time, if i'm not productive.

this week, in general, has been hectic. flat tire on wednesday which pushed all of my personal assistant errands from wednesday to today, along with my regular friday errands. which made my morning look like this:

up later than i should have been this morning (kristin and i were up at 2am after hearing a series of about 6 gunshots, which then meant, kristin, beulah and i hunkered down in my bed for the rest of the night..not exactly quality sleep, and i'm pretty sure i'm getting sick and probably snored..sorry k).
stumbled out the door.
coffee
babies up, dressed, fed, lunches made and packed, dropped at school.
toys r us
babies r us
old navy
costco
subway
harris teeter
monogram shop
pick kids up
put them down for nap
unpack the loaded car
fold their laundry
pack the car up for their overnight grandma stay

now, i'm sitting here: brain dead.

on days like today, i wish i didn't have a second job. i wish tomorrow was quiet and uneventful. but nope, tomorrow i'll work from 2-7 dog work, and then come straight to nanny house to watch the kids during the parents' work christmas party. so today doesn't feel like friday, it feels like..tuesday, or something.

i do want to say i feel very fortunate to have two jobs that enable me to pay bills and do life. i think maybe though for my own sanity, i should scale things back a bit.

for now, i will continue to sit and listen to bethany dillon's latest album that i bought this morning. it is oh so good. i just want someone to come and take care of me and pat my head, and maybe give me a cookie. is that too much to ask??

i thought so, oh well.

"You break through my deafness
Swing open the curtain
And I find the courage to get up and walk
I forget my weakness
For You’ve answered my loneliness
And through the mud on my eyes
I can see my Hope has come

You’ll have to show me where to go
It’s been so long since I’ve used my feet
I got up today a cripple
And now I’m dancing
So let the power of You move
Not stop with what I can see."

--bethany dillon

BUY IT.

(mostly materialistic) thankful thursday

2009-12-10T09:00:00.001-05:00

why, hello there.

can't seem to get into the swing of blogging lately. but thankful thursday is an easy way to jump back in.

i am thankful for:

listening to classic disney soundtracks while the twins play and i blog.
designspongeonline
etsy
cardiganempire
my new roommate and precious apartment
holiday crafts
being able to shop for baby clothes for a family member
putting some twinkle lights up in said precious apartment
my super cheap brown target sweater (pic here)
getting to spend all day saturday with laura troutman (pic here)
concert/catching up with KCamp tonight
opportunity to speak last week at CIU. really thankful to have the chance to speak my story out loud. it was both therapeutic and exciting. maybe i want to speak more often..? weird, huh? i'm not a speaker, but it was really fun.
clark's antiques and sleepy poet flea market.
two words: TRADER JOE'S
this cute desktop background
white hydrangeas

sorry these are all super surface-y..? oh well. happy day, everyone.

[elvis presley's 'santa claus is back in town' is maybe my favorite christmas song (competing with otis redding's 'merry christmas baby' and anything by vince guaraldi). this song is not to be confused with 'here comes santa claus'--two very different songs. here's a link to it on iTunes, all i have is the locked version. this song is definitely worth buying. it's sassy.]

quickie

2009-12-04T17:18:00.002-05:00

oh hey everyone. you little dearhearts, you.

well, today we got to know our hogan baby a little more, and found out she's a sweet baby girl. it's weird, it made it real in a whole new way, and i am reeling from the love i already feel for that little peanut.

i only have about 10 minutes before nanny parents are supposed to get home. so this will be a quick one. it's been a big few days in my life. right now, i'm just tired and ready to rest this weekend. guys, i don't work for even one tiny second this weekend. that is the first time since april that i can say that. that is not a joke.

one of my closest friends, laura troutman, is home on furlough from slovakia. i saw her briefly yesterday but tomorrow she's coming up and we plan to do nothing and make people deliver food to us and veg in front of the tv.

also, one more cute little item:

how sweet are these? i got the blue one, and the green owl one is for KCamp. alright gotta run!

come up for air

2009-12-01T15:00:00.001-05:00

i am not sure. really, about anything. i am five years into this whole paying bills, being an adult thing. and boy, it's been trial by fire. i wouldn't say there is anything i have figured out, well, besides don't buy something extravagant and think the rent will pay itself (it won't, surprising, huh?), and also, the electric company doesn't care if you don't have electricity, so pay that too. don't get whatever stupid thing you think you need, pay for your lights first.

that's pretty much the extent of my financial education.

but i'll tell ya, it's a funny thing to realize that this is it. i am a grown up.

expectations are dangerous for me. i suppose they are for everyone, because not communicating expectations to friends, family, coworkers etc., can be the root of much strife in relationships (my opinion), or maybe having them at all is the problem. i think i even wrote about this not long ago, that my expectations for the holiday season are set high. and i am always disappointed, not because anything went wrong, but because i had a vision, but life still ended up being life, and nothing was neat, and every moment wasn't cozy and warm.

but some were, and there were slices of time where my expectations were met--mixed in with the reality of a world where we say mean things sometimes, and we have habits that are hard to break. and attitudes that aren't always full of holiday cheer (read: holy spirit).

if i measured my life up against my hopes and expectations for where i'd be right now, maybe it would be a let down. maybe? but expectations, like hopes, can turn on a dime. and right now, my expectations for life are pretty simple. give away as much love as i can to those that surround me. see what happens when i try to stop feeling entitled to anything. that's a start, anyway.

picture is linked to a really interesting book by spurgeon called "the minister's fainting fits", which talks about depression and discouragement in ministry. quality.

sickies and some holiday ditties

2009-11-24T10:18:00.001-05:00

surprise! i get tomorrow off work. this is good news, but it means that today will be a long one. i'll be staying late to help nanny fam get on the road this evening. it's okay though, because it's all worth it so i can sleep in tomorrow and do some cooking (by some, i think i mean all day cooking).

for now, i'll be doing lotttttsss of this:

trying to make one laugh while the other sleeps off a fever, and then rotate:)

i believe this would be called 'skeptical'

got 'em!

and i believe that you probably need a thanksgiving cooking mix, just like i do, so here you are!

photos courtesy of honey and jam

[it's all christmas music..just a warning]

it's just about done.

2009-11-20T15:36:00.001-05:00

right now, sara groves' new album is downloading on my computer. excited to listen to this as i catch you up on the last little stretch of life.

i worked about 17 hours yesterday, left work at midnight and was back at 7am, red-eyed with a red eye in my hand, oddly enough. thankfully, the babies have pre (pre pre) school today, and immediately after dropping them off i went and got a manicure and fell asleep while she was massaging my hands. i rationalized completely surrendering to it, and plopping my head on the arm rest directly in front of me. i didn't, but i should have.

then after that i may have surrendered to something different but equally recharging--shopping. got a few nice things for myself, and tried on those boots (jess, you know which ones i'm talking about), they're on a big sale right now. but THAT i could not rationalize:) shopping-yes, expensive boots kind of shopping-no. i'm no rockefeller.

also, i cut my hair the other day, that's all i am going to say. it's not good. but, i bought a cute hat yesterday, and have plenty of ponytail holders, so i'm set.

this next week is thanksgiving and i have mixed feelings about it. thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, but it's coming too quickly. i need time to prepare for the pleasures in life. you know? like the drive is almost always the best part of the trip (unless you have kids, i guess?). or like december 1-24 is so much better than december 25. i am actually just confused about where november went. the days probably just sunk right down into packing, cleaning, moving, nesting, working.

today, i go pick up rocco from al's house, and he will be staying with beulah and me this week. rocco is ally's dog, and beulah's best friend, so the two of them will definitely be keeping me busy. my mom is also coming up saturday night after dog work, which will be great. she hasn't seen the new place yet, and we'll take the dogs on a few walks and hopefully eat some good food, and she has never been to the uptown campus either, so i'll take her there as well.

then sunday night: quality time with my ladies while watching some vampires run around.

it will be a good weekend, i dare say.

i hope that this weekend before thanksgiving is restful for you all, and that your hearts are prepared for family and food, parades and pies, shopping and sleep.

i love you people, and i'm thankful i have the chance to.

[go buy sara groves' new album, you will not regret it. here's a taste]

sea salt spray

2009-11-11T14:21:00.001-05:00

oh hey there friends. found this little recipe for beach-y wave hairspray. it works pretty well, give it a shot--

*Get a clean spray bottle. You can find them super cheap at dollar stores, grocery stores, and mega marts. Make sure it holds at least 8 fl. oz. to 10 fl. oz.

*8 fl. oz. of water. Try distilled or filtered if your tap water isn't the best on hair.

*Sea salt. I used the more finely ground stuff because it mixes easier and faster with the water. It cost me $2.19 for a large canister of it. Use 1 tsp for each 8 fl oz of water.

*Coconut scented conditioner. It doesn't have to be expensive conditioner - I used Suave brand for $1 at the dollar store. I mostly added this for the "beachy" scent but it helps counteract the drying that the salt will do. I used 1/2 a tsp - use more if you have extra dry hair.

*A dab of hair gel. Unscented, preferably—otherwise it will interfere with the coconut scent of the conditioner). Usually the cheaper brand are more runny and mix better."

Optional add-ins:

*Essential oils: If you have dry or coarse hair, this is a good add-in. They will help condition your hair and add some shine. Choose whatever scent you want - ylang ylang works great for sensitive skin and problem scalps. Rosemary is great to help deepen the color of brunette's hair and chamomile brightens blonds. Use 3-5 drops.

*Tea Tree Oil: Great for sensitive and oily scalps. If you have oilier hair, this is the best oil to add for you since it won't make your hair oilier or weigh it down. Use 3-5 drops.

*More sea salt - You can add a little more if you have oilier/thicker hair. The more salt you use, the more it will dry out your hair. BUT the more you use, the "beachier" your hair will look and the more hold there will be. If the recipe doesn't have enough salt for you, add 1/4 tsp at a time until you reach the desired level. Make sure to record your changes so you know how much to add when you want to make more!"

To do: Add all your ingredients to the spray bottle and shake it until it mixes together. Any oils added will never fully combine well with the water so you'll have to shake it a little before each use. If your hair gel and/or conditioner don't combine you can try warming the mixture in the microwave (remove any metal pieces and don't use until cool!) to see if that helps - if it doesn't, you may have used too thick of a conditioner/gel.

oooooookay, bye.

deck the halls

2009-11-09T09:44:00.001-05:00

monday again. jared is at the airport right now about to leave for africa, and maria is in florida visiting her fam while jared's away. i don't love the feeling of them not being here. they are an underlying layer of comfort in my life. here's what i keep telling myself about the trip to africa for jared, if he survived a road trip to new mexico with sam and josh and our josh, he will be juuuust fine on a trip with elevation. but i covet your prayers for them as they go.

the apartment is slowly coming along. i've been working a LOT, and will continue to, and the time i have to nest is in very small increments. i did manage to get my chalkboard wall done quickly on friday night/saturday morning. it's super fun.

let's talk about this for a second. last week i messaged jess during the day, but got nick instead. caught up with him quickly, and somehow the subject of victorian christmas came up. let's rewind to this time last year, shall we?

me, nick, jessi, and babes were all still living at new beginnings home in puyallup. every year the founders of the ministry had a booth at the local victorian christmas festival, where they had a raffle for a handmade quilt. all of the staff (ehh, like 5 of us?) were supposed to split of the time at the booth and work shifts. oh i'm sorry, did i forget to mention that we were required to wear full 'victorian dress'? and by 'victorian dress', i do of course mean, weirdo lacy dresses with bustles, and nick wore a coat with tails and a top hat. lest we forget, jess was about 20 weeks pregnant at this point. we looked a little more like the cast of dr. quinn medicine woman (on a bad day) than we did anything having to do with the victorian era.

i worked two shifts, but the most hilarious one was undoubtedly the shift i worked with nick, where we just sort of scowled at each other the entire night. i'm laughing right now thinking about it. the thought of the two of us being in charge of selling a mennonite quilt is just about the best thing i've ever heard of.

seriously, you should really explore those links above. and here's a taste of some victorian christmas show goodness:

[to be totally fair, we raised money that allowed each of us to be able to have some christmas money last year, so it was worth it, but this is not something any of us talks about very often, as it was not our finest hour].

alright, so that's my gift to you today, a secret that none of us really wanted to get out. and now it is yours for the ridiculing.

holiday party dresses

2009-11-05T14:24:00.001-05:00

around this time of year i like to look for a standby fancy dress to wear to any holiday parties that might come along. so..i thought i'd have a little fun and share some of my favorite options with you. all dresses come from modcloth.com, and shoes from various places. let's begin:

my favorite one thus far:

with these sweet pumps:

with some red lipstick and a little 40's curl in the hair, like this..

continuing on:

this with some dark brown tights, and some shoes like this:

hair in a messy ponytail:

and a little bracelet:

let's see, i'll find one more:

for a really dressy party (all these items from anthropologie)

but dress it down with the shoes? like this?

not totally confident in that exact shoe choice, but some kind boot/bootie.

hair like this:

then a belt of some kind, maybe a cardigan?

or this guy, and then belt over the top?

who knows? this has been fun, i just wasted my little break time doing this, it was really just for my own entertainment.

things that make me laugh

2009-11-03T12:29:00.001-05:00

as a means of consistently updating sweet little dirt on my feet, i'll give you a round up of some things that make me chuckle:

clifford: does anyone else love martin short? cause i think he's the jam. here's some classic marty, circa 1994. (rent it if you haven't seen it).

young frankenstein, towards the end. puttin' on the ritz.

larry david. nothing more to say on that, if you know me, you know about my love for mr. david.

i invite you to incorporate 'schmohawk' into your vocabulary.

good day all.

this will be good (updated)

2009-11-02T12:23:00.001-05:00

hello friendlies--on this blustery, overcast day, i think some chili is in order. but, since this evening my dad and i will be making quick work of moving me over to the new place, i won't have time to make any,

but you should.

i'll put up my favorite recipe for chili, which cannot be served without cornbread (preferably jiffy, baked in a cast iron skillet:). and if you don't feel like making it, or don't think you can do it successfully or something, i will make it for you when i get settled. for real, i will.

here's the recipe:

cozy chili

1 Tablespoon olive oil

2 onions, chopped

2 red bell peppers

4 cloves of garlic, pressed

2 lbs. ground turkey

1 (6 ounce) can tomato paste

1/4 cup chili powder

2 teaspoons ground cumin

2 (12 ounce) can lager beer (optional, can use broth as a replacement)

2 (19 ounce) cans kidney beans

1 (28 ounce) can diced tomatoes

salt and pepper to taste

Really good served with: Jiffy cornbread, sour cream, radishes, scallions, avocados, jalapenos, cilantro, cheddar, and toasted pumpkin seeds.

Directions

1. Heat oil in large pot, over medium-high heat.

2. Add onions, red pepper, garlic and cook for 6-8 minutes, until soft, stirring occasionally.

3. Add ground turkey and cook until no longer pink, about 5-7 minutes. Add tomato paste, chili powder, and cumin. Cook for a few minutes.

4. Add beer (or broth), beans, tomatoes (including their juices), salt and pepper.

5. Let simmer until nice and thick, about 25 minutes.

happy fall, everyone.

***aaaaand update! here's a little fall +playlist+to accompany your chili cookoff***

teach me how to shine

2009-10-29T08:45:00.001-04:00

i'm having a hard time articulating my thoughts lately.

life is a blur and i'm not sure where my tooth brush is, or where any of my shoes are either. i've been wearing stinky pumas for several days because i'm pretty sure all of my other ones are at the new apartment, which doesn't have water, heat, or a bed yet. maybe not the smartest idea to move all my clothes there already. oh well, that's okay.

i feel a little lost today.

this feeling of wandering has made me think about lost sheep, and how the shepherd leaves the ninety-nine other sheep to search for the one lost sheep who's off somewhere walking in circles, not even aware that it's lost.

i found this sermon by spurgeon this morning, here's an excerpt (a long one, it's worth it though)

"We close by noticing one more matter, which is—THE ONE SOURCE OF JOY. This man who had lost his sheep is filled with joy, but his sheep is the sole source of it. His sheep has so taken up all his thought, and so commanded all his faculties, that as he found all his care centred upon it, so he now finds all his joy flowing from it.

I invite you to notice the first mention of joy we get here: "When he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing." "That is a great load for you, shepherd!" Joyfully he answers, "I am glad to have it on my shoulders." The mother does not say when she has found her lost child, "This is a heavy load." No; she presses it to her bosom. She does not mind how heavy it is; it is a dear burden to her. She is rejoiced to bear it once again. "He layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing." Remember that text: "Who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame." A great sorrow was on Christ when our load was laid on him; but a greater joy flashed into his mind when he thought that we were thus recovered from our lost estate. He said to himself, "I have taken them up upon my shoulders, and none can hurt them now, neither can they wander to destruction. I am bearing their sin, and they shall never come into condemnation. The penalty of their guilt has been laid on me that it may never be laid on them. I am an effectual and efficient Substitute for them. I am bearing, that they may never bear, my Father's righteous ire." His love to them made it a joy to feel every lash of the scourge of justice; his love to them made it a delight that the nails should pierce his hands and feet, and that his heart should be broken with the absence of his Father, God. Even "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani," when the deeps of its woe have been sounded, will be found to have pearls of joy in its caverns. No shout of triumph can equal that cry of grief, because our Lord joyed to bear even the forsaking by his Father for the sin of his chosen whom he had loved from before the foundation of the world."

Charles Haddon Spurgeon

here's the link to the complete sermon

anyway, he doesn't really mention it in that excerpt, but when a lost sheep has been found, the shepherd will break one of its legs, so that it will not be able to wander off again. while the sheep's leg is mending, the shepherd carries the sheep on its shoulders.

supposedly in psalm 51:8, david refers to that shepherding ritual:

" Let me hear joy and gladness;

let the bones you have crushed rejoice."

i don't have a way to tie all this together with a pretty little bow, i'm just thinking on this, and loving that even when i am lost, there is someone looking for me, and a shepherd who is:

"the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation." Exodus 34:6-7

do you guys have any thoughts on this? i would really like to hear them if you do. anyway, gosh, i'm really thankful for the Lord's faithfulness not to leave the guilty (that'd be me) unpunished (despite many times sporting a broken leg), but still abounding in love and compassion. God, let the bones you've crushed in me rejoice.

and two songs for today: star star--swell season

in these arms--swell season

sirens and leases

2009-10-15T08:51:00.003-04:00

lately it's even more difficult to get up in the morning and be at work by 7:15am than it has been. mostly because it is dark when i get up now, and pretty chilly, and for the last few days, rainy. i have gotten my 'routine' down to about 10 minutes, my alarm starts going off at 5:45am, and no joke i hit snooze until like 6:30am, even later if i'm not dropping beulah at doggie daycare/getting gas/going to starbucks. i haven't been late to work once yet, so my routine will stay as is:)

this morning though, as i was waiting at the stoplight to get onto i77, i heard a siren, it sounded pretty far off, but i didn't want to move until i saw where it was coming from, so i sat there (the first one in line waiting to turn left) looking around to see what direction it was coming from. i continued looking for a solid minute (during a green light) not wanting to cut in front of an emergency vehicle, but finally cautiously made the left turn, only to realize a few minutes later that the 'siren sound' is really just a new noise that my precious car is making. yep, that's right.

moving on, i signed the lease for my new place last night. i'm pretty excited about it--it's a different house than the one i told you about a few weeks ago, but this one is even better. technically, it's a duplex, but really it is the back section of a bigger house in front. got a great deal on it, and central avenue is a few blocks away, as is east 7th (complete with starbucks and other sweet restaurants). even though it's a duplex, it still has a backyard which was a really big thing i wanted in a new place. want to see some pictures?

so yeah, it's small and sweet. so i'm moving! for the month of november i'll be there by myself, but then in december, my friend kristin is moving in as well. looking forward to having someone living with me again. alright, the world is falling apart for the kids right now, must go.

sunday

2009-10-11T08:20:00.001-04:00

just made some coffee, sitting on the couch with beulah, about to get ready for church. and i am content.

i was thinking about my dad. and how almost every day he sends me a message that says, "love you sweetie". i am blessed and so fortunate to have the parents that i do.

and what i do isn't especially meaningful, but i find so much joy in life (my life!). three years ago that was not the case, three years ago, i didn't know where God had gone, and 2 and a half years ago, i stumbled upon him in the desert.

as i sit here drinking my hot coffee on an overcast sunday, it's hard to believe that God saw the possibility in renewing my heart. so he did.

on the most simple of days it hits me, i am joyful in this life, in this body, and in the Lord i serve.

and that is a great feeling.

happy rainy day

2009-10-06T09:16:00.001-04:00

between sheets(imogen heap)

all is love (karen o and the kids (where the wild things are soundtrack))

half life(imogen heap)

the winter(balmorhea)

evident utensil(chairlift)

milord(edith piaf)

remember(harry nilsson)

ooooooctober

2009-10-02T13:28:00.001-04:00

about to hit you with a really lame bulleted list. i'm watching grey's anatomy so, i'm barely focusing, but haven't updated the ol' blog in forever. fall is here in charlotte, and things are happening.

we're almost ready to *hopefully* sign a lease for a new place. i say 'we' because i've found two great gals who need a new place. location..perfection (for those of you familiar with charlotte, it's about two blocks away from the plaza, and directly behind the van landingham estate). it's a 4 bedroom, with a screened in porch (eeeeeee!), nice deck and almost 2 acre fenced in backyard (ahhhhh!!). it's on a quiet dead end street, and i love it and want to bake and have people over there all the time. if you'd be praying that all the kinks get worked out, and all the repairs get made in a timely manner, i would appreciate it! barring any complications, moving november 1st, baby.
i bought a domain name for the business venture i mentioned, and maybe after this weekend's brainstorming/planning session, i'll give you some details, but i'm a little shy about it right now because it's early.
my friend raechel introduced me to amelie's bakery this week, and i love LOVE it. it's open 24 hours a day (not that it really matters to me, i go to bed earlier than most grannies), but for those night owls out there, it's a great place to go get a salted caramel brownie at 2am, if you've got a hankering.
baby hogan. maria has the first trimester pukes..jared and i made a late night trip to get some antinausea medicine and peppermint tea and gum. but really, does anything help with those dry heaves? let's be real..nothing really does, right? i love maria, and she's a champ. round of applause for all first trimester moms.
tonight i get to hang out with some of my favorite people, the hubatkas, and my brother and sister. then having a slumber party with ally, rocco and beulah. fun times.
also, when did grey's anatomy get SO good again?

happy first weekend in october, everyone!

this is like..

2009-10-01T23:45:00.002-04:00

a string around my finger to remind me to write a blog tomorrow. so much is happening. can't wait to catch you up.

and hey from Beulah girl. just 'cus (cuz?) oh whatever.

back at it

2009-09-22T14:49:00.001-04:00

a friend of mine was saying she writes mental blogs which makes me laugh for several reasons:

aren't mental blogs, really just thinking?
she hates blogs, but writes them anyway throughout her day..in her head.
funny also, because she says that she will recite her mental blogs aloud to her husband at the end of the day, and that they're awesome.

i don't doubt the quality of these mental blogs for a second. the whole thing still makes me laugh. however funny that is to me, i definitely do it too. sometimes while i'm driving (the site of most of my mental blogs), i'll pull out my phone and put a title in the notes on my phone. days later i'll look at it and have no idea what i was thinking about. which is always frustrating because i obviously thought it was awesome enough to scurry around to find my phone and type out a subject. but when i actually have time, i've forgotten the little snippets that i could write a blog around.

i wonder how long it will be (for real) before we can just hit download somewhere and have our thoughts in written form. that sounds crazy and too invasive, but sometimes it'd be nice. the bad would outweigh the good though.

(bad parts: friends' bad haircuts, ugly babies, having a crush..i think at 25, i may be too old to use the term "crush"..not sure?).

here are some things swishing around in my head lately as i'm driving.

online dating--i have very specific and strong feelings about this.
songs that encapsulate certain experiences in my life.
time at remuda, why i don't talk about it much to people i meet now, and how i still have not even BEGUN to process some of the things that happened there.
how to live a life where i'm broken-hearted over the sin and pride in my heart, but not living in the dirt wallowing about it either.
oh, also the potential business i'm brainstorming with my friend (the mental blogger). this could be something. but i'm not going to jinx it. i'll fill you in when/if we get it going.

so that's it. i just walked the double stroller down to southpark mall, and obviously wore the wrong shoes as i'm looking at a pair of blistered up feet. i went down there because after talking about coffee with everyone this morning, i thought i'd give it a try (after having an incredibly weak stomach while being sick, there are still several things i cannot seem to eat). no dice. which is upsetting for a person such as myself. as weird as it is, i find a tiny portion of my identity in my love and consumption of coffee. not because i think it makes me cool or anything. but because it's cozy, it's sweaters and blankets and rainy days, and that's me. if i were a season i'd be autumn, with heavy blanket and a cup of coffee in my hand with a friend on the way over to talk. and now i've been exiled to the land of hot tea.

that's okay though. i'll survive. and maybe i'll even write one of those mental blogs during the time i save not being at starbucks.

getting over the hump

2009-09-16T11:38:00.002-04:00

here's what is getting me through these last few days of isolation:

thinking about pretty get togethers during fall months.

this picture just makes me feel good.

hot tea is helping, since i still can't stomach coffee. yep, bad huh?

my sweet girl. has laid here with me for almost two weeks. won't get out of bed unless i do. little baby.

speaking of baby, i'm ready to see the twins:( i miss them so.

headed to the doctor tomorrow to see if i can be set free.

still here

2009-09-10T19:48:00.001-04:00

okay, the last couple of days have been hard. let's not mince words. but hard in the relative sense. not long term hard, just right now hard.

we've been praying for two things specifically since saturday night.

1. that the rash would not spread to my face. if it gets near your eyes it can have permanent effects on your eyesight.

2. that i caught it early enough to prevent something called post herpetic neuralgia, meaning, if i had let this go unchecked and unmedicated, i could have this pain and burning in my right side permanently.

so far, both prayers are being answered. thank you if you have been praying, and if you haven't known what to pray for, now you do, so i will selfishly ask for more prayers to get through the next 10 or so days with the hope of bypassing either of those complications.

also, you may have surmised that i am definetly out of work until monday, september 21.

this is hard.

my mom has been here until today, and they will return this weekend. she has done everything for me. because a lot of the symptoms of this seem similar to mono (i've never had mono) from what i've heard: basically fatigue and flu like symptoms, with the weirdo nerve issues, which feel something like a mix between a horrible sun burn and being pricked by needles all over my right side (and itching). weird, huh?

the good thing is, i actually feel the best i've felt tonight!! light at the end of the tunnel.

i have made my way through several books and several thousand movies (or so it seems). currently watching Twister. i just can't help myself. I love that movie.

so there's my update. it feels lonely around here. and i have a while to go. but i have faith that there is purpose to this time. when i find out, maybe i'll fill you in.

love to you all, and if you have book or movie suggestions HIT ME WITH 'EM.

Formerly Secret Hogan Video

2009-09-06T10:19:00.002-04:00

Trying this, it might not work because I've been posting from my phone today. Let's give it a shot. Here's how Jared and Maria announced Baby Hogan's impending arrival:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmjWtsRxFxw

Let me know if this worked:).

Babies and Shingles

2009-09-06T09:09:00.002-04:00

It's Sunday, and I'm laying in bed with Beulah. How bad could life be?

This week has been something else.

Let's begin. I guess it was around Monday that I first started feeling funny, but I thought I had bruised my arm or maybe got a little sun that day, and didn't think much more about it. That night I went and got supplies for our Book Club Girls Night and did some baking.

The next day, I felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to my neck and back. Weird, but can be ignored. We had a great night together with our new 'club'.

Wednesday, only the greatest day of my life. We found out Jared and Maria will be welcoming their first babe in the Spring of 2010. This actually still doesn't seem real. Too good. Last year I remember thinking clearly about what I thought their little girl would look like, now I will have to do some brainstorming on what I think a boy could or would look like.

I was a tiny bit out of it the night they told me, but we went to Target and got 'Your Pregnancy Week By Week', (a classic). And obviously Auntie Beulah needed a lobster costume for Halloween, and for celebratory purposes for Baby Hogan.

Thursday, still high on the pregnancy news, I kept trying to ignore how crappy I was feeling, and I couldn't think about much else besides wanting my parents to know they were going to be grandparents. (they all found out on Friday).

Started asking around to see what this pain could be from. Some people said pinched nerve? Had I lifted something heavy? (almost 50 lbs of twins up and down three flights of stairs 16 times a day..), so it shouldn't just now be getting to me. I was confused, and felt really tired all day, but again, like a smart one, did my best to ignore, until Friday.

I woke up and noticed a mark on my right arm. First thought: spider bite. Second thought: I am being slowly paralyzed by spider venom.

Later that morning, I noticed a rash forming right above the 'bite', and sort of thought, 'Enough, what is going on?'. I called nanny Mom and said,

"I'm pretty sure I have been bitten by a spider, is there any way someone can come sit with the twins while they nap so I can go get it looked at?"

After talking with her, she told me about having a spiderbite in college, and it didn't sound anything like that. Also, after talking to Jessi, I felt the same way. Didn't sound like I had a bite from their description.

Decided to hold off on Urgent Care.

I had two dogs to dogsit that night, so I just put this whole thing on the back burner.

Then my whole right leg started hurting. So, let's recap, whole right side feels like it's burning from the inside, with stabbing pain in my neck, back, and arm. What?

This is all relative obviously, but I feel like I have a pretty high threshhold for pain. This had been a gradual build up, but by Friday night it was screwing with me.

This is getting way long, can you stick with me?

Saturday morning, my plan was to go in to the doctor before doggie daycare work. But, I was too scared. My thought process was, right side=neurological, neurological=scary cancer or something. Ignored.

Went and did a six hour shift at doggie work, and threw the freaking tennis ball with my right arm all day (I guess to prove that I was fine..to myself? The dogs, not sure, but stupid). At this point I was still saying, I thought I'd been bitten, but feared I had a tumor. There's a girl training to be an EMT that works with me and she said it was definetly a spider bite and it looked like the venom had traveled up my vein causing the rash. Great.

After calls and texts from friends and family telling me I HAD to go get it checked out, I finally went.

Within 30 seconds of the doctor seeing my arm she said, "you have shingles". To which I replied,

"huh?"

Hadn't I heard of old ladies having that at church growing up? As in, please pray for my homebound Aunt Beatrice who has 'the shingles'.

Confused, I asked questions and she told me that after you have chicken pox, the virus lies dormant in your spine, and can reappear as shingles (in about 20% of people who've had chicken pox). The chances of someone under 50 years of age is very rare.

To be honest, I was relieved. Yes, I was and am in some pain, I was just glad I didn't have a tumor or venom spreading through my body. I can deal with a shingle or two.

Here's the big issue: can't be around pregnant women. And I don't know how nanny Mom will want to handle this. She hasn't called me back yet. So it's possible I won't be able to work for two weeks, and it's definite that I won't be able to see Jared and Maria and Baby BB Pellet (his or her size right now) for TWO WEEKS.

So that's my week last week. And now I'm quarantined. But, it's okay. I'm not sick forever. Just for a little while. I'll do lots of reading, and pill taking (I have to take them every five hours, weird, huh?).

Okay, my sweet Mom is on her way to take care of me. Just one of the perks of living close to them.

Must go, didn't sleep much last night. Okay bye.

dare i say?

2009-08-31T16:08:00.001-04:00

today seems fall-like here in charlotte. i am sure it won't last, but it's nice to get a little taste of cooler weather and general coziness.

here's what i'm looking forward to this week:

tomorrow night we're starting a book club/craft night/cooking group sort of thing at my house (also on the agenda..come up with a more concise name). it's going to be great. playing on the coziness of today, we'll have tea/coffee and chocolate chip banana bread, which reminds me of the northwest.

so that's my favorite thing about this week so far.

best part of my year, part II

2009-08-28T14:47:00.002-04:00

i was nervous as we drove down our street. we had an entire country to cross, and i had made all of the plans and routes myself. things were resting pretty squarely on my shoulders. not to mention that my dad had just been diagnosed with bronchitis.

this was a big undertaking, and we were also feeling the anxiety of having to navigate potentially treacherous roads as we wound our way up and over the snoqualmie pass.

highway 167 that runs through puyallup was packed, and almost immediately i was convinced i'd made a navigation error, but it turned out fine and we got on i-90 after waiting in plenty of afternoon traffic. beulah slept quietly in her bed that had been tucked in between boxes and bags.

almost immediately we started making our way up, up, up. within an hour and a half we saw feet of snow packed on the sides of the interstate. definitely the most snow i'd ever seen. the roads were surprisingly clear, and we made it through without a thought.

soon after we got past snoqualmie, the scenery changed. before i knew it, this is what we saw:

(not my picture)

i had no idea that eastern washington had so many rolling hills and farms. but i loved it, and as we drove through this, the sun started to set. we passed through spokane, and crossed the line into idaho, and stopped for our first night on the road.

[i am pretty sure it was during our afternoon drive down from the mountain that i realized i had left my purse in the new beginnings van. i called jessi, and could not believe i left my wallet in puyallup. i'm still kicking myself about that. nick or jess, not sure which, fedexed it to one of the hotels along our route. thanks friends.]

we stayed at this hotel in post falls, idaho that didn't have an elevator. if you could have seen how much stuff we hauled in and out of our hotels each night (we streamlined SO much by our last night)-- coolers of food, dog bed, dog food, our bags, computers, it was ridiculous. not even to mention a dog on a leash. getting our stuff up the stairs was a workout, and not funny after a very full day, that had started with a trip to doctor's care, and was now finally ending.

as soon as our room was quiet, and beu had been walked, we closed our eyes. phew, deep breath, settle in for a good night's rest. pretty quickly, i realized-- i had not thought at all about my dad's snoring. oh the snoring. my dad had stinking bronchitis, so i was just glad he was resting at all, so i didn't want to tell him or make him feel bad, there was nothing he could do. so of course, i took to my blog in the middle of the night to talk about just how horrible it was. ha. and twitter (see above). as you can see above, that first night, i laid there, and thought of anything i could do to make it go away. finally, i decided the most logical (?) choice would be to use my nail clippers, go in the bathroom, and shred the inside of a maxi pad and shove it in my ears. i was obviously dillusional. i had an iPod. that was suggested later, and i felt quite silly.

we woke up that next morning, made our 16 trips back and forth to load up the car, and kept going east. this leg of our trip was one of my favorites. we drove back up a very tall mountain and into deep snow.

there were several well preserved mining towns, so we stopped in wallace, idaho to check things out.

b girl loved the snow.

not too long after these photos, we crossed over into montana. my favorite state (maybe i love wyoming more? toss up). this day was the most oddly perfect one of our trip. we stopped at the university of montana and threw the ball around the university's practice field for beulah. ate taco bell (which became our go-to fast food), and got some coffee. after that break we drove on, and this afternoon was the most picturesque leg of the trip, in my opinion.

after several hours of driving after our break the university, i asked my dad to pull over on an exit* and let beulah use the bathroom, and maybe there'd be room to run her around a little bit to keep her tired for the rest of the day in the car.

*exits in montana are much different than i was used to. they all have cattle guards and are free range, meaning cattle just roam where they please.

it was late afternoon by now, and we drove up over a hill as we exited the highway and saw the prettiest scene..ever.

turns out we had stopped at a historical marker, and this was a campground for lewis and clark. as i walked beulah around, i looked down by the river bank beside me and saw a group of horses walking over to me. history, animals, farmland. i was in heaven. this is still my favorite memory of the trip.

more to come..[this is getting long:)]

best part of my year

2009-08-26T11:08:00.001-04:00

as i drove up to starbucks this morning, i started thinking about my trip across the country with my dad. i think about it a lot, actually. to say that i loved that trip would be an understatement. it was perfect. i realized today, that besides a few quick pictures, i never really told you about any of our tales from the road.

i need to get out the binder that i made (with directions, phone numbers for hotels, starbucks at each stop, and dog parks near our hotels, etc.) and look at our route and all of the receipts and stuff that were collected along the way. that would probably bring back a flood of other memories. for now though, we'll just go with what i've got stored in the ol' mind grapes.

i picked up my dad from the airport the night before we would head out. i was not particularly 'excited' about everything that was about to happen, i didn't have a job, and was not sure where i would live when i made it across the country, so it was the next step in the process, but it wasn't particularly exciting. i made it through the heavy traffic to the airport, picked up my dad, and quickly realized that he wasn't feeling too great. we stopped by trackside pizza on the way home, and then back to new beginnings.

i don't remember thinking anything out of the ordinary about spending the last night in my bed in washington.

the next morning i went to take beulah for a walk, and fixed my dad and i some toast and eggs. the first thing out of my dad's mouth that morning was that he needed to go to urgent care. he avoids the doctor more than anyone i know, so hearing him say that i knew things had gone south over night. before we headed out for urgent care, we checked the condition of the snoqualmie pass, which we would have to cross to continue on our way east. on the washington DOT website they have a 24 hour a day webcam of the conditions of the pass. when it came up on my computer, all you could see was white. all white, with maybe a swirl of white once in a while. we would have to re-route.

i was familiar with the local puyallup doctor's care, because i just been there myself after getting bitten in the face by a dog about a week earlier. so he and i made it up the hill, and got in and out of there relatively quickly. turns out my dad had bronchitis, and the doctor put him on an antibiotic that was 'one rung below hooking him up to an IV'. all morning i had been trying to convince dad that we should take another day, let him get better, and hopefully allow the pass to thaw out some.

there was no convincing him, and after a stop by fred meyer for his prescription and some food to fill our cooler, we decided to go ahead and pick up our rental car. on our way to get the car, i dropped beulah off down the street with her best friend tucker, so she would be nice and tired for the first leg of our journey. tucker's mom, vicki and i talked about the pass, and she said that many times it will snow all morning, but then be 'passable' by the afternoon, but that the window is very slim, because as soon as the sun starts to go down, everything refreezes. we were on the clock, we had to make it to the pass at just the right time.

that rental car trip turned into an ordeal that lasted a couple of hours. after some frustration, including waiting for a car, hertz taking back a car, and then waiting another hour for a new car, we drove off the lot. the wait was only intensified as watched our window of time dwindle smaller and smaller.

on the drive back to the house, i texted jessi and told her that we were on our way. she was waiting to leave for her doctor's appointment until i got back. she also waited to put glory down for her nap until i could say goodbye. this trip home before saying goodbye was the first time i really cried about leaving the connollys. i walked in, and hugged the kids on the stairs, hugged jessi, and she left quickly for her doctor's appointment.

we just ripped it off like a bandaid.

my dad i packed the rental car quickly, and it began to rain. we packed and repacked the car trying to configure all of the puzzle pieces of boxes and luggage, and dog beds. finally, we had everything placed. we hugged nick goodbye, and pulled out of new beginnings, and drove down the street to pick up a tired and wet beulah. i said a tearful goodbye to our friends vicki and tucker as well.

then we were off.

[longer than i expected, will continue soon..]

rambler

2009-08-24T10:51:00.001-04:00

i actually like mondays. i've had some time to build up a resevoir of patience, and it is fun to see the kids after being gone a few days, so mondays are usually full of twin kisses and new words they've learned over the weekend, it's the wednesdays and thursdays when we're all used to each other again, that things get a little hairy.

life these days is really good. my nights are filling up with time with great friends that i'm beginning to know well enough that i don't feel like my house has to be spotless for their visits, and i know that i can call them if i'm feeling upset or having a bad day. you know when your friendships cross over into that mode? from acquaintances to daily supporters? it's nice.

i'll tell you though, loneliness does still creep in. more so now that i'm living by myself. because when i drive up at night, it's just me. i've thought a lot about this, because when you get married, or are in a relationship, this doesn't magically change. you are still alone in your heart of hearts--alone in the way that you're accountable ultimately to the Lord for your thoughts and actions. so the struggle to find contentment in that quiet place where it's just you, is something we all share, right?

but on a more basic level, i can get a little sad, being on my own. i think i forget that God can be my biggest supporter, if i let him. many times, i keep him contained to being 'my help in trouble' or i seek him so that my motives are a little less selfish and little more serving, and i forget that he can be my encourager, my comfort, my cure for loneliness. my ultimate companion when i come home to an empty house again.

i am going to do my best to remember he can be that for me.