kiss

here you are: prince for the thursday lulllzzzz.

enjoy.

teach me how to shine

i'm having a hard time articulating my thoughts lately.

life is a blur and i'm not sure where my tooth brush is, or where any of my shoes are either. i've been wearing stinky pumas for several days because i'm pretty sure all of my other ones are at the new apartment, which doesn't have water, heat, or a bed yet. maybe not the smartest idea to move all my clothes there already. oh well, that's okay.

i feel a little lost today.

this feeling of wandering has made me think about lost sheep, and how the shepherd leaves the ninety-nine other sheep to search for the one lost sheep who's off somewhere walking in circles, not even aware that it's lost.

i found this sermon by spurgeon this morning, here's an excerpt (a long one, it's worth it though)

"We close by noticing one more matter, which is—THE ONE SOURCE OF JOY. This man who had lost his sheep is filled with joy, but his sheep is the sole source of it. His sheep has so taken up all his thought, and so commanded all his faculties, that as he found all his care centred upon it, so he now finds all his joy flowing from it.

I invite you to notice the first mention of joy we get here: "When he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing." "That is a great load for you, shepherd!" Joyfully he answers, "I am glad to have it on my shoulders." The mother does not say when she has found her lost child, "This is a heavy load." No; she presses it to her bosom. She does not mind how heavy it is; it is a dear burden to her. She is rejoiced to bear it once again. "He layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing." Remember that text: "Who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame." A great sorrow was on Christ when our load was laid on him; but a greater joy flashed into his mind when he thought that we were thus recovered from our lost estate. He said to himself, "I have taken them up upon my shoulders, and none can hurt them now, neither can they wander to destruction. I am bearing their sin, and they shall never come into condemnation. The penalty of their guilt has been laid on me that it may never be laid on them. I am an effectual and efficient Substitute for them. I am bearing, that they may never bear, my Father's righteous ire." His love to them made it a joy to feel every lash of the scourge of justice; his love to them made it a delight that the nails should pierce his hands and feet, and that his heart should be broken with the absence of his Father, God. Even "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani," when the deeps of its woe have been sounded, will be found to have pearls of joy in its caverns. No shout of triumph can equal that cry of grief, because our Lord joyed to bear even the forsaking by his Father for the sin of his chosen whom he had loved from before the foundation of the world."

Charles Haddon Spurgeon

here's the link to the complete sermon

anyway, he doesn't really mention it in that excerpt, but when a lost sheep has been found, the shepherd will break one of its legs, so that it will not be able to wander off again. while the sheep's leg is mending, the shepherd carries the sheep on its shoulders.

supposedly in psalm 51:8, david refers to that shepherding ritual:

" Let me hear joy and gladness;

let the bones you have crushed rejoice."

i don't have a way to tie all this together with a pretty little bow, i'm just thinking on this, and loving that even when i am lost, there is someone looking for me, and a shepherd who is:

"the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation." Exodus 34:6-7

do you guys have any thoughts on this? i would really like to hear them if you do. anyway, gosh, i'm really thankful for the Lord's faithfulness not to leave the guilty (that'd be me) unpunished (despite many times sporting a broken leg), but still abounding in love and compassion. God, let the bones you've crushed in me rejoice.

and two songs for today: star star--swell season

in these arms--swell season

happy rainy day

between sheets(imogen heap)

all is love (karen o and the kids (where the wild things are soundtrack))

half life(imogen heap)

the winter(balmorhea)

evident utensil(chairlift)

milord(edith piaf)

remember(harry nilsson)

boniver+hair

listening to blindsided by bon iver right now. [here you go, this song might make you cry] i love them for a sleepy thursday.  [nope, any day].  i'm getting my hair cut tomorrow.  so let's talk through it.  [the rest of this post may be hair related, just a warning].  

here's where i'm at right now:

there's a weird tale on the back, you see it [no, not my foot]?  gotta fix that.  so here is what i'm thinking..

not much different, just a little shape-a-doo.  

except the front will have to be altered some.  here's my what i'm thinking for the front:

deconstructed, messy, razored pieces.  my hair doesn't look good 'neat'.  i love michelle williams' style.  a LOT.  

if you guys could take cues from any celebrity, regardless of face shape/length of hair/impracticality who would it be?  

also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALLY P!!!!!!

a smattering

what life is like today:

• first things first, my blog looks like a piece of garbage.  i have been working on a new layout, but for now, it will remain garbage.  
• lately i can't get enough of two things:  roast beef sandwiches and kettle chips.  more specifically, the sea salt and cracked pepper kettle chips.  they are so good.  wait, i can't properly explain to you, they are so good.  (putting them directly on the sandwich seems to be more efficient, and a timesaver, frankly).  

• it has been dreamlike and weird being back in columbia.  i have driven around with all the windows down, and the sunroofs open the last couple of days.  yesterday i went down to the river, and it was beautiful.  today i drove around near our house and looked at familiar places i haven't seen in a long time (old churches, places we used to play, baseball fields we spent summers at watching the boys).  
• i have a very important/exciting job interview at 8am on thursday.  progress!  thanks, Jesus.
• sonic happy hour=good.
• eagerly awaiting cowan baby news!
• i found out my semi-okay full mattresses got thrown out.  geeze.  starting from scratch.
• beulah loves her family.  a ton.
• vitamin D is awesome.  
• true confession:  today i went to a big field to throw the ball for beu, i left the keys in the car, and let the music play at full volume, and sort of danced around (i'm telling you, this sunshine makes you do crazy things).  i was about 10 minutes into my dance party when i realized a new development had been built right behind me, and someone's kitchen window was looking directly out to where i was making a fool of myself.  

so--if you need a soundtrack for your own embarrassing dance party, or you know, just something to listen to while you eat your roast beef/kettle chip sandwich, here's what i am listening to:

oxford coma-- vampire weekend 

come on, listen to it.  (jessi, i am looking at you.)

february?

how did we get to february?  not sure, but i'll take it.  

feeling remarkably better since the last post.  we're pushing through, and i am pleased to say that it is friday and this week is almost over.  there is a lot going on here, and a baby is coming pretty soon, so that always adds a real feeling of expectation and excitement around the house.  well, that and potty training:)  good job, elias (and n&j).

move update:  i will be sending out letters this week asking for some transitional support.  i need to be pretty bold, and ask for what i need, so that's hard.  

a housing opportunity has come about, but a few details need to be banged out, so more on that later, if it happens.

and now, two songs from a fun little movie we rented this week:

devendra banhart:  lover

vampire weekend:  ottoman

k bye.

i. love. christmas.

just a little something to get you in the spirit.

rosie thomas--

christmas time is here

regina spektor--

my dear acquaintance

otis redding--

merry christmas baby

number one thing i'm looking forward to for christmas this year:

making coffee for josh and myself, and sitting in comfy sweaters all day staring at my fam.  and doing lots of cooking and baking.  lots.

ode to aladdin

five wishes--whattttuppppp

1. new home for my parents. they get to pick every detail.

2. get all the benefits of exercise without the actual effort. all those endorphins/results at the push of a button. ahhh.

3. limitless wardrobe/accessories. well, to narrow 'er down a bit, let's just say, all of anthropologie at my fingertips.

4. free travel.

5. to be in the very initial stage of loving someone. and know that it will last, well, forever.

now--i think today calls for a 30 second dance party.

green light--mstrkrft remix
get 'em high--kanye west and common

pick your song.
and go.

foggy

i am growing weary of blogging.  

almost four years of continuous blogs makes for very little else to share--besides daily events.  

so...  

my parents are flying out today.  i haven't seen them in over six months, so i am really looking forward to them coming.  this week while they're here, i definitely won't be spending much time on the computer.  

our house got cable yesterday, and i am currently watching my second episode of million dollar listing on bravo.  really bad show, and yet, i am still engaged.  

alright-- off to hang up some clothes and do some last minute things for my parent's arrival!

also, any suggestions for getting over the blog hump would be appreciated:)

[MiA------paper planes]

wherever you are is warmth and light

iron and wine--peng

i either have way too much to say, or nothing at all. i can't be sure.

i have lots of square pegs, and way too many round holes.

this past week has really been the first time that i've struggled with homesickness since i've been here. it's a good thing that my parents are coming out in a few weeks. i'm really really looking forward to being a little taken care of for a few days. being hugged on by my Dad, and laying my head in my mom's lap and having her play with my hair.

it's amazing that no matter how far you travel, or where you move, you're still you. and growing is still work. basic life stuff isn't fun, but making it to the other side means you get to go another round. there is always the knowledge that the next one will be different, not necessarily better or worse, but different, which gives me to motivation to ready myself for whatever comes next.

steady.
steady.

on another note, it's just about Fall. yesterday i wore jeans, a turtleneck sweater, and a peacoat. on september 1st. this is a dream realized. when i was younger, i always wished that the beginning of school would herald the beginning of cooler weather, but alas, that was never the plight of south carolinians in september. or october.

to continue on with my Fall lovin', i will now list my favorite things about Fall (or specific things from Falls past)

1. The colors--bold, rich, and comfy. this is one of the reasons i've always wanted to be married in the fall.

2. growing up, the churches we went to, and our family for that matter didn't celebrate halloween, we always had 'harvest parties' or something of the like. two of my favorite memories from throughout the years of these parties:

• when i was really young, my mom cooked a huge HUGE pot of chili to take to the party. my dad had pulled the family van around behind the church gym, and unbeknownst to me, my mom had placed the enormous vat of chili right by the sliding door. it was almost pitch black behind the church, and here i come, barreling towards the car in the dark, and fell butt first into the chili pit, overalls, pigtails, and all. that ride home was sticky. and smelly.
• winning first place in the pie contest. it's every 12 year old girls dream to beat out the old church ladies for the blue ribbon!
  

3. warm soup on a rainy night.

4. the smell of burning wood outside, and the smell from the heater the first night it's cold enough to use it.

5. school supplies.

6. season premieres of my favorite tv shows.

7. pumpkins (pie, frappuccinos, chai tea latte with pumpkin pie spice on top, carving them)

8. being outside with a warm drink in my hands.

9. thinking of fun new things to make for thanksgiving, and going wayy overboard.

10. i really don't like football. at all. but the thought of my brothers and my dad watching football all day on saturdays- that totally equals fall in my mind.

happy fall.

out the door

good morning.

i'm about to head out the door with one of our girls, and then jess and i are headed to the gym. but just wanted to say 'hello'. i still have to put on some shoes, brush my teeth, grab a water and my bag, and find my most likely misplaced keys. in six minutes.

but here's this:

ingrid michaelson--keep breathing

just a quick little something on a tuesday. looove.

forgetful

okay. i just had a really, really bizarre day.

but let's just talk about tonight. about 4 or 5 months ago, i bought myself a ticket to see radiohead. i have looked so forward to it, but it really snuck up on me. in fact, i had forgotten about it until yesterday morning.

after a weird day, i had even considered scrapping going all together. but, i knew i would really really really hate myself if i passed this up. after a longer than expected doctor's appointment with our new girl, and a quick trip home to let beulah out, i sort of reluctantly set out.

the venue was an amphitheater.

let's just talk through this. i have to really love a band to ever want to see them at an outdoor venue. in the rain.

when i go to a concert, i want to sit, with a cup of coffee (ideally), and be able to scribble down some thoughts while i listen to whoever is playing. now, let's be clear--i realize that i am seconds away from being classified as geriatric.

so, all of these things were running through my head as i started my drive. a few other thoughts were crossing my mind, like,

"i should make friends who will go to concerts with me"
"then i could drive in the carpool lane"
"washington people are really mean in a traffic jam"
"did she just flip me off?"

i finally got off on the exit, and naively assumed that i was seconds from parking and waltzing in to the concert. about 40 minutes later, i finally saw a sign for the whiteriver amphitheater. 5 miles.

i don't think i had gone 5 miles in the previous hour. i cursed.

long story short, i finally made it. remembered how funny/weird/awesome concert goers are, and how much you need another person with you to laugh at the dirty couples making out on the ground, or the abrasive drunk guy who keeps tripping and falling on you.

but, in situations like that, i always find it to be much more adventurous when you do them on your own.

my favorite moment of tonight was when they sang 'talk show host'. arguably my favorite song of theirs.

talk show host

everything about tonight felt a little like 'close encounters of the third kind'. numbly driving out to a field in a long line of cars, getting out and standing with 20,000 other people, all staring at big orange lights.

too tired to tie up the loose ends of this entry. thanks to jess, i don't even have to take beulah out before bed. such luxury. it's been a great night, and it's good to be 24 and get to do fun things like tonight. even if i am a really old 24.

song for sunday

mirah--the garden

song for sunday

Brandi Carlile- The Story

sentimental and a bit creeped out

sentimental because i just watched this video about a friend's first son being born. it was so sweet and amazing.

also, i'm creeped out because of google map's new feature.




this is my parent's house. the house i grew up in. not sure when they did this, but it must've been a little while back because my car is in the carport.

uhh what else? nothing is really going on. i'm finally getting to go see 'the dark knight' tomorrow. anna will also be spending the day with me. hopefully, she won't show up at 'sis AM' for 'brafast'.

also, i am incredibly distracted--jennifer hudson just came on regis and kelly, she is in the lowest cut dress, and i am actually cringing hoping that everything stays right where it should. regis is unabashedly staring. it's like watching a car crash, you can't quite look away.

and on that note, here's jennifer singing on the sex and the city soundtrack--

Jennifer Hudson--All Dressed Up In Love

okay one last thing. a couple of years ago at camp, we had a tv character party where we all dressed up like someone from tv. i would like to take a moment to grieve the loss of my chosen tv character. estelle getty (sophia). i turned out looking nothing like her, but hey, i got nothing but love for you 'stell.

songs for sunday

the morning benders--mother and child reunion (paul simon cover)

jon and roy--another noon

devotchka--transliterator

david bowie--let's dance

the do--stay (just a little bit more)

jimmy fallon--idiot boyfriend (this song was awesome circa 2002, my freshman year of college. i still know every word. and actually, it's still pretty funny).

now.

introducing.

sad.

kermit.

can't make you feel it

many times i blog as an attempt to get you to feel whatever it is that i'm feeling.  

as some of you know, i struggled with an eating disorder for about 5 years.  last year, during my stay at remuda there were a limited number of cds for us to listen to, and 'add to the beauty' by sara groves was the one that i always chose to listen to.  i bought it on iTunes last fall, several months after returning home, and to hear each song was like shedding all the layers of healing and being right back in that vulnerable and broken state.  

it's odd how i see that time as so sweet.  sweet is not the right word, rich.  it was rich.  and meaningful.  a time to wrestle with the Lord, and lose.  my thoughts about remuda and the women and staff that changed my life there are on my mind most of the time.

gosh.  i just think about who i was when i went there.  i was so mad.  i wanted nothing to do with God.  i thought that i could outrun Him.  

the scripture from Genesis 32 seemed to follow me every where:

"So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak." 

      But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

 27 The man asked him, "What is your name?" 

      "Jacob," he answered.

 28 Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, ^[e] because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."

my roommates during my stay complained of me talking in my sleep during the night.  after several nights they began realizing that i was praying in my sleep.  evidently pleading with the Lord not to let me go.  

so, tonight when i transferred a few iTunes purchases over to my new computer i got to listen to the sara groves cd for the first time in a while.  i wanted to share it with you.  it's nothing crazy ground breaking, but it's meaningful in my life.  [hopefully it will work, it may not allow you to listen to it since it's an iTunes purchase..let me know].

Sara Groves--Add to the Beauty

When It's Over

Just Showed Up for My Own Life

You are the Sun

It's Gonna Be Alright

Add to the Beauty

Rewrite This Tragedy

Something Changed

To the Moon

Kingdom Comes

Why It Matters

Loving A Person

When It's Over (Reprise)

songs for sunday

beck--hotwax

thomas newman--score from wall-e

edith piaf--padam, padam

seu jorge--tive razao

fleet foxes--blue ridge mountains

karen dalton--katie cruel

bruce springsteen--my oklahoma home

the final list

• test drive a car, and make the salesman take a picture of me while in it.
• become an expert on the jerboa.
• enroll beu in an obedience class.
• write a book report on a children's book.  probably a 'box car children' book.
• create a soy peanut butter chocolate banana milkshake
• i will go to an area casino.
• write a poem using the word 'connolly', and find at least two rhyming words.
• photoshop jessi's face onto kim kardash..oh wait.  check that one off the list.

• i can also check the pilfering of a certain framed photo off my list. 
• teach the musick twins to sing "Low" by Flo Rida.  caleb on lead vocals, and josh on background vocals.
• flirt with one obscure man per week, three men total.  
• take a short roadtrip (idaho, here i come).
• work out 15 times in the next 3 weeks.
• i'm out.

songs for sunday

• mgmt--kids
• bob dylan--highway 61 revisited
• flight of the conchords--foux du fa fa
• peter bjorn and john--young folks
• sam amidon--wedding dress
• duffy--mercy
• fleet foxes--white winter hymnal
• shearwater--leviathan, bound
• sigur ros--gobbledigook