maybe a little too vulnerable?

gosh, life is full these days. i have many jumbled thoughts and theories on where i am presently. i am deeply content with where the Lord has me, and a little stronger from the major gutting that my heart has undergone in the last few years.

alright, so let's be real here for a minute. i figure if i am going through something, maybe someone reading this is too. and i don't think christians talk about singleness (singlehood?) in a positive light, so let's work this out.

for the last few days, i've had a bit of a hard time feeling really unseen, like actually nonexistent to the opposite sex. these feelings make it easy for old thought patterns to spring up in me, which is not okay. then that insecurity gives me an urgency to change or fix my situation. change this part of myself that maybe isn't pleasing. lose 5 lbs. don't be so blunt. grow my hair out. get rid of that zit. don't talk so much. whatever it is.

as i have been really aware of these feelings and thought through them, i remembered something i prayed for a lot in college.

we had a speaker in chapel at some point in my time at north greenville who spoke about adam and eve (genesis 2). how the Lord placed adam in a "deep sleep" while He was creating eve, and didn't wake him until she was created, ready, and waiting for him. the speaker put that picture alongside song of solomon 2:7 which says, "daughters of jerusalem, i charge you, by the gazelles and by the does of the field, do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires". he encouraged us to stay in that "deep sleep" until it was evident that the Lord was waking us up.

that was such a clear picture and idea that i carried with me for years, and prayed that the Lord would keep me asleep until (or if) He has a mate for me.

i had totally forgotten about that.

this weekend, i was praying (read: complaining) and i remembered that prayer from college and felt a little stupid. i've been feeling unseen, forgotten, all that stuff. but is it the desire of the Lord for me to be attractive and winsome to a large audience? no. actually, no. that is my need for approval that is telling me i should be affirmed by joe schmohawk. i am just bored in the waiting, and feel like i need to be distracted, and that is not the heart of the Lord for me. to be pacified because i'm bored.

so, if we're being honest, i am a little annoyed with myself for praying that prayer so fervently. ha. but that's alright. at least i'm reminded i'm not even supposed to be seen yet. so, i'll stay asleep, and be thankful for remembering its purpose.