Friday, December 18, 2009

merry christmas to me

hello everyone.
i just bought myself a terrific christmas gift. i've had my eye on a few first editions of julia child's "mastering the art of french cooking" (volume 1) for months and months. today i decided i'd buy both volumes 1&2 new from amazon, wear them out, use them, age them, and hand them down to my daughters and granddaughters one day (if that is how life plays out). and the thought of this has made my afternoon.

life is good these days. right now i have about 16 projects going, none completed. a half painted bathroom, a 3/4 completed wreath, and an apartment smack in the middle of being home-ified. lots of plans are incomplete as well, but that's just taking up space in my head, and not on my dining room table (like all the piles of glitter, pine cones, and felt..eek).

last night i finally received some prints from jared and maria's wedding. having this picture up in my house is joyous.

also, i would like to recommend nellie mckay's new album. the entire album is a tribute to doris day, and it is SASSY and festive.

happy sleet day, guys.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

be careful..

guys, i am finally watching 'food inc.' and let me warn you: you can never unsee this movie. it is shocking. actually shocking.

i am hoping to get a copy of the movie to show friends and family, if you're interested in seeing it, let me know. i'm far from an activist but something has to change, that's for sure.

here's the website

i posted the trailer a while back, but here it is again:

Friday, December 11, 2009

a few reasons the next two days might kill me.

phew. i feel like i can't catch my breath. i have been working two jobs for over six months now, and really my 'dog job' doesn't take up a lot of time, it's just that saturday is like my day, ya know? my make pancakes, eggs, and bacon, and sit on the couch with my cup of coffee for three hours day. or at least it feels like it should be.

but since i go into work at 2pm, it never feels relaxed. it just feels like i'm wasting my non-working time, if i'm not productive.

this week, in general, has been hectic. flat tire on wednesday which pushed all of my personal assistant errands from wednesday to today, along with my regular friday errands. which made my morning look like this:

  • up later than i should have been this morning (kristin and i were up at 2am after hearing a series of about 6 gunshots, which then meant, kristin, beulah and i hunkered down in my bed for the rest of the night..not exactly quality sleep, and i'm pretty sure i'm getting sick and probably snored..sorry k).
  • stumbled out the door.
  • coffee
  • babies up, dressed, fed, lunches made and packed, dropped at school.
  • toys r us
  • babies r us
  • old navy
  • costco
  • subway
  • harris teeter
  • monogram shop
  • pick kids up
  • put them down for nap
  • unpack the loaded car
  • fold their laundry
  • pack the car up for their overnight grandma stay
now, i'm sitting here: brain dead.

on days like today, i wish i didn't have a second job. i wish tomorrow was quiet and uneventful. but nope, tomorrow i'll work from 2-7 dog work, and then come straight to nanny house to watch the kids during the parents' work christmas party. so today doesn't feel like friday, it feels like..tuesday, or something.

i do want to say i feel very fortunate to have two jobs that enable me to pay bills and do life. i think maybe though for my own sanity, i should scale things back a bit.

for now, i will continue to sit and listen to bethany dillon's latest album that i bought this morning. it is oh so good. i just want someone to come and take care of me and pat my head, and maybe give me a cookie. is that too much to ask??

i thought so, oh well.

"You break through my deafness
Swing open the curtain
And I find the courage to get up and walk
I forget my weakness
For You’ve answered my loneliness
And through the mud on my eyes
I can see my Hope has come

You’ll have to show me where to go
It’s been so long since I’ve used my feet
I got up today a cripple
And now I’m dancing
So let the power of You move
Not stop with what I can see."

--bethany dillon

Thursday, December 10, 2009

(mostly materialistic) thankful thursday

why, hello there.

can't seem to get into the swing of blogging lately. but thankful thursday is an easy way to jump back in.

i am thankful for:
  • listening to classic disney soundtracks while the twins play and i blog.
  • designspongeonline
  • etsy
  • cardiganempire
  • my new roommate and precious apartment
  • holiday crafts
  • being able to shop for baby clothes for a family member
  • putting some twinkle lights up in said precious apartment
  • my super cheap brown target sweater (pic here)
  • getting to spend all day saturday with laura troutman (pic here)
  • concert/catching up with KCamp tonight
  • opportunity to speak last week at CIU. really thankful to have the chance to speak my story out loud. it was both therapeutic and exciting. maybe i want to speak more often..? weird, huh? i'm not a speaker, but it was really fun.
  • clark's antiques and sleepy poet flea market.
  • two words: TRADER JOE'S
  • this cute desktop background
  • white hydrangeas
sorry these are all super surface-y..? oh well. happy day, everyone.

[elvis presley's 'santa claus is back in town' is maybe my favorite christmas song (competing with otis redding's 'merry christmas baby' and anything by vince guaraldi). this song is not to be confused with 'here comes santa claus'--two very different songs. here's a link to it on iTunes, all i have is the locked version. this song is definitely worth buying. it's sassy.]

Friday, December 04, 2009


oh hey everyone. you little dearhearts, you.

well, today we got to know our hogan baby a little more, and found out she's a sweet baby girl. it's weird, it made it real in a whole new way, and i am reeling from the love i already feel for that little peanut.

i only have about 10 minutes before nanny parents are supposed to get home. so this will be a quick one. it's been a big few days in my life. right now, i'm just tired and ready to rest this weekend. guys, i don't work for even one tiny second this weekend. that is the first time since april that i can say that. that is not a joke.

one of my closest friends, laura troutman, is home on furlough from slovakia. i saw her briefly yesterday but tomorrow she's coming up and we plan to do nothing and make people deliver food to us and veg in front of the tv.

also, one more cute little item:

how sweet are these? i got the blue one, and the green owl one is for KCamp. alright gotta run!

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

come up for air

i am not sure. really, about anything. i am five years into this whole paying bills, being an adult thing. and boy, it's been trial by fire. i wouldn't say there is anything i have figured out, well, besides don't buy something extravagant and think the rent will pay itself (it won't, surprising, huh?), and also, the electric company doesn't care if you don't have electricity, so pay that too. don't get whatever stupid thing you think you need, pay for your lights first.

that's pretty much the extent of my financial education.

but i'll tell ya, it's a funny thing to realize that this is it. i am a grown up.

expectations are dangerous for me. i suppose they are for everyone, because not communicating expectations to friends, family, coworkers etc., can be the root of much strife in relationships (my opinion), or maybe having them at all is the problem. i think i even wrote about this not long ago, that my expectations for the holiday season are set high. and i am always disappointed, not because anything went wrong, but because i had a vision, but life still ended up being life, and nothing was neat, and every moment wasn't cozy and warm.

but some were, and there were slices of time where my expectations were met--mixed in with the reality of a world where we say mean things sometimes, and we have habits that are hard to break. and attitudes that aren't always full of holiday cheer (read: holy spirit).

if i measured my life up against my hopes and expectations for where i'd be right now, maybe it would be a let down. maybe? but expectations, like hopes, can turn on a dime. and right now, my expectations for life are pretty simple. give away as much love as i can to those that surround me. see what happens when i try to stop feeling entitled to anything. that's a start, anyway.

picture is linked to a really interesting book by spurgeon called "the minister's fainting fits", which talks about depression and discouragement in ministry. quality.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

sickies and some holiday ditties

surprise! i get tomorrow off work. this is good news, but it means that today will be a long one. i'll be staying late to help nanny fam get on the road this evening. it's okay though, because it's all worth it so i can sleep in tomorrow and do some cooking (by some, i think i mean all day cooking).

for now, i'll be doing lotttttsss of this:

trying to make one laugh while the other sleeps off a fever, and then rotate:)

i believe this would be called 'skeptical'

got 'em!

and i believe that you probably need a thanksgiving cooking mix, just like i do, so here you are!

photos courtesy of honey and jam
[it's all christmas music..just a warning]

Friday, November 20, 2009

it's just about done.

right now, sara groves' new album is downloading on my computer. excited to listen to this as i catch you up on the last little stretch of life.

i worked about 17 hours yesterday, left work at midnight and was back at 7am, red-eyed with a red eye in my hand, oddly enough. thankfully, the babies have pre (pre pre) school today, and immediately after dropping them off i went and got a manicure and fell asleep while she was massaging my hands. i rationalized completely surrendering to it, and plopping my head on the arm rest directly in front of me. i didn't, but i should have.

then after that i may have surrendered to something different but equally recharging--shopping. got a few nice things for myself, and tried on those boots (jess, you know which ones i'm talking about), they're on a big sale right now. but THAT i could not rationalize:) shopping-yes, expensive boots kind of shopping-no. i'm no rockefeller.

also, i cut my hair the other day, that's all i am going to say. it's not good. but, i bought a cute hat yesterday, and have plenty of ponytail holders, so i'm set.

this next week is thanksgiving and i have mixed feelings about it. thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, but it's coming too quickly. i need time to prepare for the pleasures in life. you know? like the drive is almost always the best part of the trip (unless you have kids, i guess?). or like december 1-24 is so much better than december 25. i am actually just confused about where november went. the days probably just sunk right down into packing, cleaning, moving, nesting, working.

today, i go pick up rocco from al's house, and he will be staying with beulah and me this week. rocco is ally's dog, and beulah's best friend, so the two of them will definitely be keeping me busy. my mom is also coming up saturday night after dog work, which will be great. she hasn't seen the new place yet, and we'll take the dogs on a few walks and hopefully eat some good food, and she has never been to the uptown campus either, so i'll take her there as well.

then sunday night: quality time with my ladies while watching some vampires run around.

it will be a good weekend, i dare say.

i hope that this weekend before thanksgiving is restful for you all, and that your hearts are prepared for family and food, parades and pies, shopping and sleep.

i love you people, and i'm thankful i have the chance to.

[go buy sara groves' new album, you will not regret it. here's a taste]

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

sea salt spray

oh hey there friends. found this little recipe for beach-y wave hairspray. it works pretty well, give it a shot--

*Get a clean spray bottle. You can find them super cheap at dollar stores, grocery stores, and mega marts. Make sure it holds at least 8 fl. oz. to 10 fl. oz.

*8 fl. oz. of water. Try distilled or filtered if your tap water isn't the best on hair.

*Sea salt. I used the more finely ground stuff because it mixes easier and faster with the water. It cost me $2.19 for a large canister of it. Use 1 tsp for each 8 fl oz of water.

*Coconut scented conditioner. It doesn't have to be expensive conditioner - I used Suave brand for $1 at the dollar store. I mostly added this for the "beachy" scent but it helps counteract the drying that the salt will do. I used 1/2 a tsp - use more if you have extra dry hair.

*A dab of hair gel. Unscented, preferably—otherwise it will interfere with the coconut scent of the conditioner). Usually the cheaper brand are more runny and mix better."

Optional add-ins:

*Essential oils: If you have dry or coarse hair, this is a good add-in. They will help condition your hair and add some shine. Choose whatever scent you want - ylang ylang works great for sensitive skin and problem scalps. Rosemary is great to help deepen the color of brunette's hair and chamomile brightens blonds. Use 3-5 drops.

*Tea Tree Oil: Great for sensitive and oily scalps. If you have oilier hair, this is the best oil to add for you since it won't make your hair oilier or weigh it down. Use 3-5 drops.

*More sea salt - You can add a little more if you have oilier/thicker hair. The more salt you use, the more it will dry out your hair. BUT the more you use, the "beachier" your hair will look and the more hold there will be. If the recipe doesn't have enough salt for you, add 1/4 tsp at a time until you reach the desired level. Make sure to record your changes so you know how much to add when you want to make more!"

To do: Add all your ingredients to the spray bottle and shake it until it mixes together. Any oils added will never fully combine well with the water so you'll have to shake it a little before each use. If your hair gel and/or conditioner don't combine you can try warming the mixture in the microwave (remove any metal pieces and don't use until cool!) to see if that helps - if it doesn't, you may have used too thick of a conditioner/gel.

oooooookay, bye.

Monday, November 09, 2009

deck the halls

monday again. jared is at the airport right now about to leave for africa, and maria is in florida visiting her fam while jared's away. i don't love the feeling of them not being here. they are an underlying layer of comfort in my life. here's what i keep telling myself about the trip to africa for jared, if he survived a road trip to new mexico with sam and josh and our josh, he will be juuuust fine on a trip with elevation. but i covet your prayers for them as they go.

the apartment is slowly coming along. i've been working a LOT, and will continue to, and the time i have to nest is in very small increments. i did manage to get my chalkboard wall done quickly on friday night/saturday morning. it's super fun.

let's talk about this for a second. last week i messaged jess during the day, but got nick instead. caught up with him quickly, and somehow the subject of victorian christmas came up. let's rewind to this time last year, shall we?

me, nick, jessi, and babes were all still living at new beginnings home in puyallup. every year the founders of the ministry had a booth at the local victorian christmas festival, where they had a raffle for a handmade quilt. all of the staff (ehh, like 5 of us?) were supposed to split of the time at the booth and work shifts. oh i'm sorry, did i forget to mention that we were required to wear full 'victorian dress'? and by 'victorian dress', i do of course mean, weirdo lacy dresses with bustles, and nick wore a coat with tails and a top hat. lest we forget, jess was about 20 weeks pregnant at this point. we looked a little more like the cast of dr. quinn medicine woman (on a bad day) than we did anything having to do with the victorian era.

i worked two shifts, but the most hilarious one was undoubtedly the shift i worked with nick, where we just sort of scowled at each other the entire night. i'm laughing right now thinking about it. the thought of the two of us being in charge of selling a mennonite quilt is just about the best thing i've ever heard of.

seriously, you should really explore those links above. and here's a taste of some victorian christmas show goodness:

[to be totally fair, we raised money that allowed each of us to be able to have some christmas money last year, so it was worth it, but this is not something any of us talks about very often, as it was not our finest hour].

alright, so that's my gift to you today, a secret that none of us really wanted to get out. and now it is yours for the ridiculing.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

holiday party dresses

around this time of year i like to look for a standby fancy dress to wear to any holiday parties that might come along. so..i thought i'd have a little fun and share some of my favorite options with you. all dresses come from, and shoes from various places. let's begin:

my favorite one thus far:

with these sweet pumps:

with some red lipstick and a little 40's curl in the hair, like this..

continuing on:

this with some dark brown tights, and some shoes like this:

hair in a messy ponytail:

and a little bracelet:

let's see, i'll find one more:

for a really dressy party (all these items from anthropologie)

but dress it down with the shoes? like this?

not totally confident in that exact shoe choice, but some kind boot/bootie.

hair like this:

then a belt of some kind, maybe a cardigan?

or this guy, and then belt over the top?

who knows? this has been fun, i just wasted my little break time doing this, it was really just for my own entertainment.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

things that make me laugh

as a means of consistently updating sweet little dirt on my feet, i'll give you a round up of some things that make me chuckle:

clifford: does anyone else love martin short? cause i think he's the jam. here's some classic marty, circa 1994. (rent it if you haven't seen it).

young frankenstein, towards the end. puttin' on the ritz.

larry david. nothing more to say on that, if you know me, you know about my love for mr. david.

i invite you to incorporate 'schmohawk' into your vocabulary.
good day all.

Monday, November 02, 2009

this will be good (updated)

hello friendlies--on this blustery, overcast day, i think some chili is in order. but, since this evening my dad and i will be making quick work of moving me over to the new place, i won't have time to make any,

but you should.

i'll put up my favorite recipe for chili, which cannot be served without cornbread (preferably jiffy, baked in a cast iron skillet:). and if you don't feel like making it, or don't think you can do it successfully or something, i will make it for you when i get settled. for real, i will.

here's the recipe:

cozy chili
  • 1 Tablespoon olive oil
  • 2 onions, chopped
  • 2 red bell peppers
  • 4 cloves of garlic, pressed
  • 2 lbs. ground turkey
  • 1 (6 ounce) can tomato paste
  • 1/4 cup chili powder
  • 2 teaspoons ground cumin
  • 2 (12 ounce) can lager beer (optional, can use broth as a replacement)
  • 2 (19 ounce) cans kidney beans
  • 1 (28 ounce) can diced tomatoes
  • salt and pepper to taste

Really good served with: Jiffy cornbread, sour cream, radishes, scallions, avocados, jalapenos, cilantro, cheddar, and toasted pumpkin seeds.


1. Heat oil in large pot, over medium-high heat.

2. Add onions, red pepper, garlic and cook for 6-8 minutes, until soft, stirring occasionally.

3. Add ground turkey and cook until no longer pink, about 5-7 minutes. Add tomato paste, chili powder, and cumin. Cook for a few minutes.

4. Add beer (or broth), beans, tomatoes (including their juices), salt and pepper.

5. Let simmer until nice and thick, about 25 minutes.

happy fall, everyone.

***aaaaand update! here's a little fall +playlist+to accompany your chili cookoff***

Thursday, October 29, 2009

teach me how to shine

i'm having a hard time articulating my thoughts lately.

life is a blur and i'm not sure where my tooth brush is, or where any of my shoes are either. i've been wearing stinky pumas for several days because i'm pretty sure all of my other ones are at the new apartment, which doesn't have water, heat, or a bed yet. maybe not the smartest idea to move all my clothes there already. oh well, that's okay.

i feel a little lost today.

this feeling of wandering has made me think about lost sheep, and how the shepherd leaves the ninety-nine other sheep to search for the one lost sheep who's off somewhere walking in circles, not even aware that it's lost.

i found this sermon by spurgeon this morning, here's an excerpt (a long one, it's worth it though)

"We close by noticing one more matter, which is—THE ONE SOURCE OF JOY. This man who had lost his sheep is filled with joy, but his sheep is the sole source of it. His sheep has so taken up all his thought, and so commanded all his faculties, that as he found all his care centred upon it, so he now finds all his joy flowing from it.

I invite you to notice the first mention of joy we get here: "When he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing." "That is a great load for you, shepherd!" Joyfully he answers, "I am glad to have it on my shoulders." The mother does not say when she has found her lost child, "This is a heavy load." No; she presses it to her bosom. She does not mind how heavy it is; it is a dear burden to her. She is rejoiced to bear it once again. "He layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing." Remember that text: "Who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame." A great sorrow was on Christ when our load was laid on him; but a greater joy flashed into his mind when he thought that we were thus recovered from our lost estate. He said to himself, "I have taken them up upon my shoulders, and none can hurt them now, neither can they wander to destruction. I am bearing their sin, and they shall never come into condemnation. The penalty of their guilt has been laid on me that it may never be laid on them. I am an effectual and efficient Substitute for them. I am bearing, that they may never bear, my Father's righteous ire." His love to them made it a joy to feel every lash of the scourge of justice; his love to them made it a delight that the nails should pierce his hands and feet, and that his heart should be broken with the absence of his Father, God. Even "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani," when the deeps of its woe have been sounded, will be found to have pearls of joy in its caverns. No shout of triumph can equal that cry of grief, because our Lord joyed to bear even the forsaking by his Father for the sin of his chosen whom he had loved from before the foundation of the world."

Charles Haddon Spurgeon

anyway, he doesn't really mention it in that excerpt, but when a lost sheep has been found, the shepherd will break one of its legs, so that it will not be able to wander off again. while the sheep's leg is mending, the shepherd carries the sheep on its shoulders.

supposedly in psalm 51:8, david refers to that shepherding ritual:

" Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice."

i don't have a way to tie all this together with a pretty little bow, i'm just thinking on this, and loving that even when i am lost, there is someone looking for me, and a shepherd who is:

"the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation." Exodus 34:6-7

do you guys have any thoughts on this? i would really like to hear them if you do. anyway, gosh, i'm really thankful for the Lord's faithfulness not to leave the guilty (that'd be me) unpunished (despite many times sporting a broken leg), but still abounding in love and compassion. God, let the bones you've crushed in me rejoice.

and two songs for today: star star--swell season
in these arms--swell season

Thursday, October 15, 2009

sirens and leases

lately it's even more difficult to get up in the morning and be at work by 7:15am than it has been. mostly because it is dark when i get up now, and pretty chilly, and for the last few days, rainy. i have gotten my 'routine' down to about 10 minutes, my alarm starts going off at 5:45am, and no joke i hit snooze until like 6:30am, even later if i'm not dropping beulah at doggie daycare/getting gas/going to starbucks. i haven't been late to work once yet, so my routine will stay as is:)

this morning though, as i was waiting at the stoplight to get onto i77, i heard a siren, it sounded pretty far off, but i didn't want to move until i saw where it was coming from, so i sat there (the first one in line waiting to turn left) looking around to see what direction it was coming from. i continued looking for a solid minute (during a green light) not wanting to cut in front of an emergency vehicle, but finally cautiously made the left turn, only to realize a few minutes later that the 'siren sound' is really just a new noise that my precious car is making. yep, that's right.

moving on, i signed the lease for my new place last night. i'm pretty excited about it--it's a different house than the one i told you about a few weeks ago, but this one is even better. technically, it's a duplex, but really it is the back section of a bigger house in front. got a great deal on it, and central avenue is a few blocks away, as is east 7th (complete with starbucks and other sweet restaurants). even though it's a duplex, it still has a backyard which was a really big thing i wanted in a new place. want to see some pictures?

so yeah, it's small and sweet. so i'm moving! for the month of november i'll be there by myself, but then in december, my friend kristin is moving in as well. looking forward to having someone living with me again. alright, the world is falling apart for the kids right now, must go.

Sunday, October 11, 2009


just made some coffee, sitting on the couch with beulah, about to get ready for church. and i am content.

i was thinking about my dad. and how almost every day he sends me a message that says, "love you sweetie". i am blessed and so fortunate to have the parents that i do.

and what i do isn't especially meaningful, but i find so much joy in life (my life!). three years ago that was not the case, three years ago, i didn't know where God had gone, and 2 and a half years ago, i stumbled upon him in the desert.

as i sit here drinking my hot coffee on an overcast sunday, it's hard to believe that God saw the possibility in renewing my heart. so he did.

on the most simple of days it hits me, i am joyful in this life, in this body, and in the Lord i serve.

and that is a great feeling.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

happy rainy day

between sheets(imogen heap)
all is love (karen o and the kids (where the wild things are soundtrack))
half life(imogen heap)
the winter(balmorhea)
evident utensil(chairlift)
milord(edith piaf)
remember(harry nilsson)

Friday, October 02, 2009


about to hit you with a really lame bulleted list. i'm watching grey's anatomy so, i'm barely focusing, but haven't updated the ol' blog in forever. fall is here in charlotte, and things are happening.

  • we're almost ready to *hopefully* sign a lease for a new place. i say 'we' because i've found two great gals who need a new place. location..perfection (for those of you familiar with charlotte, it's about two blocks away from the plaza, and directly behind the van landingham estate). it's a 4 bedroom, with a screened in porch (eeeeeee!), nice deck and almost 2 acre fenced in backyard (ahhhhh!!). it's on a quiet dead end street, and i love it and want to bake and have people over there all the time. if you'd be praying that all the kinks get worked out, and all the repairs get made in a timely manner, i would appreciate it! barring any complications, moving november 1st, baby.
  • i bought a domain name for the business venture i mentioned, and maybe after this weekend's brainstorming/planning session, i'll give you some details, but i'm a little shy about it right now because it's early.
  • my friend raechel introduced me to amelie's bakery this week, and i love LOVE it. it's open 24 hours a day (not that it really matters to me, i go to bed earlier than most grannies), but for those night owls out there, it's a great place to go get a salted caramel brownie at 2am, if you've got a hankering.
  • baby hogan. maria has the first trimester pukes..jared and i made a late night trip to get some antinausea medicine and peppermint tea and gum. but really, does anything help with those dry heaves? let's be real..nothing really does, right? i love maria, and she's a champ. round of applause for all first trimester moms.
  • tonight i get to hang out with some of my favorite people, the hubatkas, and my brother and sister. then having a slumber party with ally, rocco and beulah. fun times.
  • also, when did grey's anatomy get SO good again?
happy first weekend in october, everyone!

Thursday, October 01, 2009

this is like..

a string around my finger to remind me to write a blog tomorrow. so much is happening. can't wait to catch you up.

and hey from Beulah girl. just 'cus (cuz?) oh whatever.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

back at it

a friend of mine was saying she writes mental blogs which makes me laugh for several reasons:
  • aren't mental blogs, really just thinking?
  • she hates blogs, but writes them anyway throughout her her head.
  • funny also, because she says that she will recite her mental blogs aloud to her husband at the end of the day, and that they're awesome.
i don't doubt the quality of these mental blogs for a second. the whole thing still makes me laugh. however funny that is to me, i definitely do it too. sometimes while i'm driving (the site of most of my mental blogs), i'll pull out my phone and put a title in the notes on my phone. days later i'll look at it and have no idea what i was thinking about. which is always frustrating because i obviously thought it was awesome enough to scurry around to find my phone and type out a subject. but when i actually have time, i've forgotten the little snippets that i could write a blog around.

i wonder how long it will be (for real) before we can just hit download somewhere and have our thoughts in written form. that sounds crazy and too invasive, but sometimes it'd be nice. the bad would outweigh the good though.

(bad parts: friends' bad haircuts, ugly babies, having a crush..i think at 25, i may be too old to use the term "crush"..not sure?).

here are some things swishing around in my head lately as i'm driving.
  • online dating--i have very specific and strong feelings about this.
  • songs that encapsulate certain experiences in my life.
  • time at remuda, why i don't talk about it much to people i meet now, and how i still have not even BEGUN to process some of the things that happened there.
  • how to live a life where i'm broken-hearted over the sin and pride in my heart, but not living in the dirt wallowing about it either.
  • oh, also the potential business i'm brainstorming with my friend (the mental blogger). this could be something. but i'm not going to jinx it. i'll fill you in when/if we get it going.
so that's it. i just walked the double stroller down to southpark mall, and obviously wore the wrong shoes as i'm looking at a pair of blistered up feet. i went down there because after talking about coffee with everyone this morning, i thought i'd give it a try (after having an incredibly weak stomach while being sick, there are still several things i cannot seem to eat). no dice. which is upsetting for a person such as myself. as weird as it is, i find a tiny portion of my identity in my love and consumption of coffee. not because i think it makes me cool or anything. but because it's cozy, it's sweaters and blankets and rainy days, and that's me. if i were a season i'd be autumn, with heavy blanket and a cup of coffee in my hand with a friend on the way over to talk. and now i've been exiled to the land of hot tea.

that's okay though. i'll survive. and maybe i'll even write one of those mental blogs during the time i save not being at starbucks.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

getting over the hump

here's what is getting me through these last few days of isolation:

thinking about pretty get togethers during fall months.

this picture just makes me feel good.

hot tea is helping, since i still can't stomach coffee. yep, bad huh?

my sweet girl. has laid here with me for almost two weeks. won't get out of bed unless i do. little baby.

speaking of baby, i'm ready to see the twins:( i miss them so.

headed to the doctor tomorrow to see if i can be set free.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

still here

okay, the last couple of days have been hard. let's not mince words. but hard in the relative sense. not long term hard, just right now hard.

we've been praying for two things specifically since saturday night.

1. that the rash would not spread to my face. if it gets near your eyes it can have permanent effects on your eyesight.

2. that i caught it early enough to prevent something called post herpetic neuralgia, meaning, if i had let this go unchecked and unmedicated, i could have this pain and burning in my right side permanently.

so far, both prayers are being answered. thank you if you have been praying, and if you haven't known what to pray for, now you do, so i will selfishly ask for more prayers to get through the next 10 or so days with the hope of bypassing either of those complications.

also, you may have surmised that i am definetly out of work until monday, september 21.

this is hard.

my mom has been here until today, and they will return this weekend. she has done everything for me. because a lot of the symptoms of this seem similar to mono (i've never had mono) from what i've heard: basically fatigue and flu like symptoms, with the weirdo nerve issues, which feel something like a mix between a horrible sun burn and being pricked by needles all over my right side (and itching). weird, huh?

the good thing is, i actually feel the best i've felt tonight!! light at the end of the tunnel.

i have made my way through several books and several thousand movies (or so it seems). currently watching Twister. i just can't help myself. I love that movie.

so there's my update. it feels lonely around here. and i have a while to go. but i have faith that there is purpose to this time. when i find out, maybe i'll fill you in.

love to you all, and if you have book or movie suggestions HIT ME WITH 'EM.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Formerly Secret Hogan Video

Trying this, it might not work because I've been posting from my phone today. Let's give it a shot. Here's how Jared and Maria announced Baby Hogan's impending arrival:

Let me know if this worked:).

Babies and Shingles

It's Sunday, and I'm laying in bed with Beulah. How bad could life be?

This week has been something else.

Let's begin. I guess it was around Monday that I first started feeling funny, but I thought I had bruised my arm or maybe got a little sun that day, and didn't think much more about it. That night I went and got supplies for our Book Club Girls Night and did some baking.

The next day, I felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to my neck and back. Weird, but can be ignored. We had a great night together with our new 'club'.

Wednesday, only the greatest day of my life. We found out Jared and Maria will be welcoming their first babe in the Spring of 2010. This actually still doesn't seem real. Too good. Last year I remember thinking clearly about what I thought their little girl would look like, now I will have to do some brainstorming on what I think a boy could or would look like.

I was a tiny bit out of it the night they told me, but we went to Target and got 'Your Pregnancy Week By Week', (a classic). And obviously Auntie Beulah needed a lobster costume for Halloween, and for celebratory purposes for Baby Hogan.

Thursday, still high on the pregnancy news, I kept trying to ignore how crappy I was feeling, and I couldn't think about much else besides wanting my parents to know they were going to be grandparents. (they all found out on Friday).

Started asking around to see what this pain could be from. Some people said pinched nerve? Had I lifted something heavy? (almost 50 lbs of twins up and down three flights of stairs 16 times a day..), so it shouldn't just now be getting to me. I was confused, and felt really tired all day, but again, like a smart one, did my best to ignore, until Friday.

I woke up and noticed a mark on my right arm. First thought: spider bite. Second thought: I am being slowly paralyzed by spider venom.

Later that morning, I noticed a rash forming right above the 'bite', and sort of thought, 'Enough, what is going on?'. I called nanny Mom and said,

"I'm pretty sure I have been bitten by a spider, is there any way someone can come sit with the twins while they nap so I can go get it looked at?"

After talking with her, she told me about having a spiderbite in college, and it didn't sound anything like that. Also, after talking to Jessi, I felt the same way. Didn't sound like I had a bite from their description.

Decided to hold off on Urgent Care.

I had two dogs to dogsit that night, so I just put this whole thing on the back burner.

Then my whole right leg started hurting. So, let's recap, whole right side feels like it's burning from the inside, with stabbing pain in my neck, back, and arm. What?

This is all relative obviously, but I feel like I have a pretty high threshhold for pain. This had been a gradual build up, but by Friday night it was screwing with me.

This is getting way long, can you stick with me?

Saturday morning, my plan was to go in to the doctor before doggie daycare work. But, I was too scared. My thought process was, right side=neurological, neurological=scary cancer or something. Ignored.

Went and did a six hour shift at doggie work, and threw the freaking tennis ball with my right arm all day (I guess to prove that I was myself? The dogs, not sure, but stupid). At this point I was still saying, I thought I'd been bitten, but feared I had a tumor. There's a girl training to be an EMT that works with me and she said it was definetly a spider bite and it looked like the venom had traveled up my vein causing the rash. Great.

After calls and texts from friends and family telling me I HAD to go get it checked out, I finally went.

Within 30 seconds of the doctor seeing my arm she said, "you have shingles". To which I replied,


Hadn't I heard of old ladies having that at church growing up? As in, please pray for my homebound Aunt Beatrice who has 'the shingles'.

Confused, I asked questions and she told me that after you have chicken pox, the virus lies dormant in your spine, and can reappear as shingles (in about 20% of people who've had chicken pox). The chances of someone under 50 years of age is very rare.

To be honest, I was relieved. Yes, I was and am in some pain, I was just glad I didn't have a tumor or venom spreading through my body. I can deal with a shingle or two.

Here's the big issue: can't be around pregnant women. And I don't know how nanny Mom will want to handle this. She hasn't called me back yet. So it's possible I won't be able to work for two weeks, and it's definite that I won't be able to see Jared and Maria and Baby BB Pellet (his or her size right now) for TWO WEEKS.

So that's my week last week. And now I'm quarantined. But, it's okay. I'm not sick forever. Just for a little while. I'll do lots of reading, and pill taking (I have to take them every five hours, weird, huh?).

Okay, my sweet Mom is on her way to take care of me. Just one of the perks of living close to them.

Must go, didn't sleep much last night. Okay bye.
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