Thursday, December 18, 2008

new read

i have a new blog addiction.  i get a new one usually bimonthly (i think i just wanted to use that word in a sentence).  

HERE is my new one. 

evidently, she/her blog is very famous.  she got fired from her corporate job for writing about said job on her blog.  i don't want to tell you anymore about her, i will let you discover (except that she's southern, raised a mormon, and pregnant with #2, and awesome--has a great daily style section with terrific suggestions).  


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

just some stuff

8 TV Shows I Watch:
1) the office
2) arrested development
3) six feet under
4) gilmore girls
5) really crappy shows (rob and big, for example)
6) curb your enthusiasm
7) 30 rock
8) little house on the prairie

8 Favorite Restaurants:
1) moe's
2) any hole in the wall thai place
3) california dreaming
4) chickfila
5) any good sushi place
6) the new beginnings kitchen
7) any local places wherever i'm living
8) north main deli

8 Things that Happened to Me Today:
1) Got my eyebrows ripped off (just waxed, and not totally off)
2) Almost passed out after working with my parent's trainer. 3) Got a manicure.
4) Got in an argument with my mom, like six times.
5) Made up with my mom six times.
6) Did a little non-christmas target shopping.
7) Made dinner for my parents.
8) Currently watching The Biggest Loser.

8 Things I Look Forward To:
1) Josh flying in on Thursday.
2) Cooking mexican food for the fam on friday night.
3) Coffee with a few friends over the next few days.
4) Driving up to the cabin in the rover, with the bros and the JAKE.
5) Going to find our Christmas tree.  
6) Going to Florida, meeting the Thomases, and going to Disneyworld.
7) Seeing Beulah and the Connollys!!!
8) JarMar's wedding.

8 Things I Wish For:
1) Hair and makeup done for me every day.  
2) Miraculous cleanliness.  Not obsessive, just effortlessly clean and organized.
3) Free air travel for life.
4) A completed undergrad.
5) The grace to stop floating through my remaining time with pregnant teens.
6) A Beulah snuggle, RIGHT this second.
7) Safe arrival for Connolly Baby #3. 
8) New house for my parents.

I would liiiiiiike for:


to do this as well.  Do it.  

Friday, December 12, 2008

straight up pride

a film by my younger brother
starring my older brother

christmas questionnaire

1. Fresh Tree/Fake Tree? i really love fresh trees.  i have great memories of going to mall parking lots, or little stands by the side of the road and picking out a tree as a family.  i remember one year we stopped at sonic on the way home, with the tree coming right up through the center of the minivan. nothing like a foot long cheese coney.

2. Favorite Ornament- that's a hard one when i haven't seen our family ornaments in a while.  any of the really old ones, or the crappy handmade ones.

3. Favorite Christmas Song- merry christmas baby by otis redding.  is it wrong to think a christmas song is a little sexy?  probably.

4. Favorite Tradition- for a long time the three of us kids would try to sleep in the same room on christmas eve.  the older we got, the less fun this became.  i remember one year in particular where i woke up to jared snoring/grinding his teeth, yelled at him, and made him leave the room.  merry christmas.

5. Favorite Gift Ever Received- good question.  i have gotten some good gifts over the years, but i also have to say, i have gotten some humorously bad ones.  but i'll stick with the good, oh, got it, i found our family dog, jake, the day after christmas my junior year of high school.  best gift ever.

6. Favorite Christmas Meal- sometimes we try to spice things up and do christmas hamburgers or christmas lasagna.  maybe i'll try to convince my family to do christmas curry this year?

7. Favorite Christmas Cookie- gingersnaps.  or any cookie from specialty's (please see post below).

8. Favorite Place to be- beside a fire with family.

9. Favorite Memory- i have fun memories of our grandparents coming into town a few days before christmas every year when we were young.  that yearly trip to the airport was so exciting, and it always meant that christmas was really here. 

10. Favorite Christmas Movie- oh wow, too many to name.  i just packed my suitcase full of all my favorites to take home with me.  but, what could outrank watching the booby trap scenes of home alone with my Dad?  you will never hear anyone laugh louder at anything.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

a good time waster

you know those little baby generator things you see on movies and stuff?  well, there's a website now where you can upload photos, and generate what your baby would look like with whoever you choose to upload.  to be honest, they all sort of look the same, with a few scary inbred ones thrown in for good measure.  

so, have fun with THIS.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

strategic piles

jess and i headed up to seattle today.  and in spite of the rain, soaked shoes, and potential bomb threat evacuations, we had a great time.  

starting out here, for some northwest stocking stuffers

then on over to beecher's for some cheese.

up the hill to h&m

around the block to specialty's for a hot chocolate chip cookie (best you'll ever eat)

now, after a quick workout and finishing up my trip preparations with a target trip, i'm watching the biggest loser and slowly beginning to pack.  i have several large piles decorating my floor, clothes to take, clothes to leave, darks, lights, colors, towels, gifts, shoes, anything you could imagine, put into piles and waiting for the right time to be thrown in a suitcase, weighed (cross your fingers for less than fifty pounds), and tossed in an airplane, and off to the east coast.  

Monday, December 08, 2008

this morning

we watched this at church.  really interesting and motivating.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

"small as a wish in a well"

it's a quiet saturday around our house.  the air outside has turned a little colder.  nick and jess have gone to a conference in bellevue.  elias is quietly reading in his crib, and glory is napping.  beulah is down the street running in a field with her best friend, tucker.  more and more, the smell of burning wood is filling up our little world.  every time i walk down our street and around the corner, i take a deep breath and think about the appalachians, and how i can't wait to drive up that last hill to our little cabin.  

last night, i popped some popcorn, and threw a bunch of pillows on the floor, and for every kernel i ate, i threw one over to beulah.  and watched this movie.  

Friday, December 05, 2008

i'm coming back, i think.

i was thinking today about why it has been so hard/not fun to write on here anymore.  i think it is because i've psyched myself out.  i used to write much more honestly, and much more..frankly.  mostly because i really knew the five people that would stumble across my page.  but now, i guess i've sort of felt like my parents read this now, people from new beginnings read this, people who don't know me read this and make opinions about who i am.  and so i froze.  

i am going to make an attempt to go back to old ways.  i used to use this as a stream of consciousness dumping ground, and i liked it that way.'s not going to be profound or skilled writing, most likely it will be silly stories about me falling or my dog being silly.  

hopefully, i will thaw.  

one more thing, a favorite clip from a favorite holiday movie:

Saturday, November 29, 2008

2 weeks from today

i will be in the air, on my way to the east coast.  

on my way to see a newly engaged brother, and also on my way to see a brother that i haven't laid eyes on in..almost a year and a half.  

it is seeming more strange every day to think that i will be gone from new beginnings for almost three weeks.  away from my connolly fam and sweet beu.  elias and glory will be pre-pubescent by the time i return, and connolly fetus #3 will be practically full term.  yes, that's right, a lot can happen in three weeks.

my heart hurts a little when i think about leaving beulah for three whole weeks.  but i think i may have found a great place for her to stay (just in the last hour).  so, that is taking a big load off of my mind.  though, i will be handing over my firstborn child as penance.   i love that sweet thing.

in other news, jimmy and faythe have returned from whence they came, and are now back in their real home.  i love having them in town.  and later today, jimmy and i will face off in the new beginnings top chef competition.  pictures to come (hopefully).  

if you guys would continue praying for me as i try to make plans for the coming year, that would be really appreciated.  there are a lot of things buzzing around my head, and i want to make decisions that will cause growth and not a return to old ways.  

but, for now, i am looking forward to celebrating christmastime for the next couple of weeks, and then going home, and getting lots of hugs from people i haven't seen in a year, seeing and hearing how they've changed, and really realizing how different i am than i was a year ago.  

check back for top chef updates later today.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

gloomy and cool

on a day like today, where i still have on last night's pajamas [now with the addition of rainboots and a sweater coat], all i want to do is read.  in mere moments, i will head out, in said pajamas, to pick up some coffee, and return to read quietly until a girl's appointment rolls around, then i will return from whence i came and snuggle up, in my weirdo outfit, and do some more reading.

after seeing a few other friends make lists today, i will follow suit and make a list of the best movies to hibernate to (this time of year):

1.  true life confession:  i made a goal to watch 'it's a wonderful life' (at least in part) every day of december last year.  i don't think i quite accomplished it.  though, i will say the time it airs on nbc a few nights before christmas can't be beat.  something more exciting about it coming on tv.

2.  family stone.  i want to have five kids because of that movie. 

3.  finding a good season of tv, whether it's lost or top chef, and getting really into with the fam in between turkey and playing with new gadgets.

4.  a muppet's christmas carol.

5.  ____________________

i'll leave that last one open.  what is your favorite comfy holiday movie?  charlie brown?  white christmas? (oh, yes please).

Friday, November 14, 2008

as jess says,

"orphans and widows are where it's at".  

read this.

Monday, November 10, 2008

i. love. christmas.

just a little something to get you in the spirit.

rosie thomas--
christmas time is here

regina spektor--

otis redding--

number one thing i'm looking forward to for christmas this year:
making coffee for josh and myself, and sitting in comfy sweaters all day staring at my fam.  and doing lots of cooking and baking.  lots.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

lightening fast

just a quick one. had a night out with two of the the girls. the best part of which was seeing high school musical 3. hilariously awful and wonderful.

i'm telling you, it's sad when you're driving home from seeing high school musical and all you can think about is finishing a book about vampires. i'm not sure what is happening to me, but i think i like it.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

some more pictures

i decided to cut my bangs the other night.  so i chopped them off, and went back for more.  i just grabbed the scissors and went to work.  

and as a total fluke, it turned out okay.  

kind of hilarious, and i guarantee that i will cut my hair more confidently next time and totally bust it up.  

somewhere my mom is quietly weeping.  

Friday, October 31, 2008

oh you know

just some quality time with my favorite girl

and my favorite boy.  

yay for date night:)

Thursday, October 30, 2008


it seems like the christian world is making a big shift in the way we think and relate within relationships and sexuality.  

everywhere i turn, it seems a new sermon series, or book is based on shaking things up and not thinking as much about 'what not to do' in dating relationships/marriage/single life, but more about what we are called to do.  isn't that the way you were raised?  in youth group?  don't have sex before you get married (along with don't drink or smoke or see rated R movies).  no one is telling/teaching us how to be selfLESS in any stage of life.  but purity is often reduced to a formula for what is 'permissible'.  

along the same lines, i read something a friend of mine wrote on her blog today, and what a challenge it was.  in this age of ridiculously following each other's lives through blogs, facebook, and twitter, it is really easy to make an image for ourselves.  to edit out the ugly and brutal.  this is something that is so easy to do.  i do it all the time.  whether subconsciously, or through much effort, we spin and plot to make ourselves pleasing to the general public.  and for me, i see that as such a seed for so many plants of discontent in my life.  whether it manifests itself physically or mentally is not important.  i think as single women (especially christian women) we can be schemers.  we pursue just shy of what could be called pursuit, we play the pseudo-puppet masters, thinking we're controlling the situation/man.  

my job in life is not to find a husband.  not to edit myself in order to find a husband.  but my job is to be selfless in my pursuit of Jesus.  i pray that one day i can actually live that out to its fullest extent.  and i pray that christian men would be willing to give us the gift of being found by them.  

some challenges:

perry noble

mark driscoll

steven furtick  [look under the visionary love dream sex series]

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

nothing sweeter

i am continuing to follow nienie's journey through her sister's blog.  this weekend, three of their four children got to see their parents for the first time in over 2 months.  

this video was just posted.  this is nienie's two daughters singing at a benefit for their parents.  it was just hours after they saw both of their parents for the first time.  i think it is just about the sweetest thing i've ever seen.  

the girls said they wanted to sing a lullaby for their mom (she sang them golden slumbers every night).  

praying for continued healing of stephanie and christian.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

overcompensating and stuff

i wouldn't necessarily say that i have had a blog block, but it has been something closely related.

it did not help that i got a slap on the hand from the blogger (as in dot com). apparently, i was reported for posting music. blerg. and now, 'big blogger', if you will, is watching.

my brain is swirly and weird lately. the closer i get to the year mark of being out west, the closer i get to needing to make decisions. is this an entire life change? would moving back east be failure in some way? would it be reverting to old ways? i beg of you, please pray for me. i feel like even more than some of the big life changes in the last few years, the decisions coming up are especially meaningful, and i'm not sure why exactly.

so, as i polish up my resume, and log back in to, i really covet your prayers.

walking the perimeter of puyallup is always eventful. today, the strangest episode had to be as i was walking past the high school, a large boy hopped off the bus and crossed the street, just as beulah and i were about the cross the street. as soon as he saw us, he froze. panic filled his eyes, and he lurched in the opposite direction and ran screaming straight into an older gentleman.

some other events of the past week include:
  • surprising a group of raccoons on my back deck. i said there were six, but that was probably an exaggeration. i definitely saw two, and heard lots of other rustling in the dark, so i slowly backed back into my room, and slid the door shut. hoping they would disappear. and they did, but i did see one climbing up a tree last night, right before..
  • i fell into a large hole that had been jimmy-rigged with a planter sitting on top of it. my foot broke right through the plastic planter, and my left leg went all the way through. i was shocked for a second, then went about freeing my leg. as i tried to wriggle free, i kept losing my shoe, but trying to get my foot back through the planter and up from the hole, is much harder than you might imagine. in the pitch black dark, with your dog watching you. confused. sporting a nice bruise today.
  • i think that's all i've got.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


just lost everything.  blog under construction.

ode to aladdin

five wishes--whattttuppppp

1. new home for my parents. they get to pick every detail.

2. get all the benefits of exercise without the actual effort. all those endorphins/results at the push of a button. ahhh.

3. limitless wardrobe/accessories. well, to narrow 'er down a bit, let's just say, all of anthropologie at my fingertips.

4. free travel.

5. to be in the very initial stage of loving someone. and know that it will last, well, forever.

now--i think today calls for a 30 second dance party.

green light--mstrkrft remix
get 'em high--kanye west and common

pick your song.
and go.

Monday, October 20, 2008

big chair, rainy morning

going in for some granola bar and some love

it's wet here, and my feet are damp from sinking into deep grass. i have been perched in our leather chair for over an hour. elias came and went, we snuggled and he hit the spacebar on my computer and a movie popped on, so we watched it for a while.

i can hear jess and e upstairs, and nick just got back from a run. girls come and go. and i can see leaves falling outside. glory sleeps through it.

i tried to write for about half an hour, and nothing came. another week beginning, another gray morning needing coffee, it's october 20th, and i am 24 years old, and i am readying myself for another day.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

new beginnings ramblings

my favorite quotes/moments of our week--

"I think that it is our job as christians to support the abortion ministry."--host at the Adoption Ministry benefit (one of the several times he confused those words).

fenny and i going to church on sunday, and because of her kenyan accent and because her name is unusual, no one understood what she was saying when introduced. "nice to meet you, funny" happened a few times. after that, we decided to switch names, and from that point on, i introduced myself as fenny. and fenny was lauren.

this week i've really been trying to bring beu downstairs more often and make her more apart of the house. i'd taken her to vet, and he'd told me that i need to be more "dominating". so i came home guns blazing, and explained to everyone my plan for domination. after dinner, fenny was holding glor, and glory was playing with fenny's face and started slapping her. then fenny deadpans, "i think she is trying to dominate me".

this clip IS one of our girls. not even one degree of exaggeration. come over, you'll see.

during fenny's ultrasound, the technician said, "in case you were interested, the right ovary contributed to the pregnancy." fenny's response, "shame on that ovary".

on friday during jess' ultrasound, she sent me a text saying she was pregnant with quadruplets. elias i were playing at the time, and i called jess in a frenzy and told her to "shut the hell up". oops.

anna wants to name her firstborn "shequillia". say it outloud, yep, "shellkillya"

that brings us to today, there have been so many ridiculous comments from our first three girls (who are visiting today) that i don't even know where to start. most are pregnancy related, and most are gross. i'll steer clear of those, unless you little sickies want to hear them (you probably do).

Friday, October 17, 2008

day of days

agh.  i do not get a chance to write on here (and on other certain writing blogs) like i would like to.  

i have a stockpile of thoughts to blurt out to you, but can't seem to make the leap from thought to word.  our house is fuuuulll, and i am hiding in nick and jess' upstairs while i am 'monitorsitting'.  4 pregnant girls rummaging through a kitchen is oddly disconcerting, and sends me running for the hills.  

our two newest girls are really interesting, and seem to not hate us.  but let's give it time.

moving on to more pleasant things.  like the confirmation of baby #3 for the connollys--i am hoping it's okay to talk about, i am actually going to wait to get the okay from jess to publish this.  i can't believe it.  it's so great.  it reminds me that finding out you're pregnant doesn't always have to be a crisis.  

also--i just bought my plane ticket home for christmas.  that is exciting too.  december 13-31 i'll be in the southeast.  

upcoming posts--
  • 3-5 wishes (inspired by a viewing of aladdin)
  • insecurity seen for what it is
  • being uncomfortably comfortable
  • and once i get a realistic perspective on my own bundle of faults, how do you live alongside other's bundles?

Saturday, October 11, 2008

iced over

i woke up this morning to frost.  a nice surprise.  so after a quick walk, and a trip down to the neighbors to feed their dog (while they're out of town), i am back, making coffee and my face is flushed and stinging a little.  it's cold, and i love it.

around this time last year i decided what my christmas gift would be to my family.  during my many hours of web surfing at work, i found a cabin in the north carolina mountains, in a place i'd never heard of called andrews.  so, my plan was to wait until thanksgiving and tell them my surprise.  i did not last that long.  

long story short, we had the best time.  josh couldn't make it back east last year, and that sucked.  but this year, i think he is going to be able to make the trip!  so, we're headed back to the same cabin, loading up jake, and some christmas decorations and going to our awesome little secluded home.  

here's a side view of the house.  the bottom left window is my room:)  

this is the loft where the boys will sleep.

this is the view from our front porch.  

Friday, October 10, 2008


the crab thing kills me.

nothing better than kenneth..and conan

cause my brother

is still awesome, here's a little video he threw together for work:


Thursday, October 09, 2008


headed out to the grocery store.  

i went to the doctor with one of the girls yesterday.  it was awesome.  i forgot!  i just forgot how exciting this process can be, if we are 'let in'.  

in other news, jess may have convinced me that i am getting sympathy sickness from all these pregnant pukers.  i had 2 slices of toast for lunch.  it's all mental, i know it.  but's painful to watch them try to eat.  like they're being tortured.  that is..unless they're pounding a chalupa.  

also, if you feel like praying for a puppy, you could pray for beulah, actually more for me, because she got fixed on tuesday, and trying to keep that crazy contained, is almost impossible. poor thing, she can't run around and play at all.  so maybe Jesus, you can magically take away some of the energy.  forever, Lord?  maybe just take some of the energy for eternity.  that'd be great.  for real. 

must go, fred meyer is wondering where we've been.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

ain't goin nowhere

a song

hello all. sitting in my favorite 'day off' spot. i like that the guys here at forza know my order now. 16 ounce americano in a mug with a carrot cake muffin. usually i come here and watch a sermon from mark or steven or anyone else who might challenge me.

our house is filling up again, the leaves are on fire, and fall is here to stay. as is the rain.

but no rain today. i can see pioneer park out the window of forza, and there are bright school buses passing, and strollers rolling down the sidewalk.

today i am thankful for:
  • little skinny computers that help me keep in contact with sweet friends and family.
  • for brothers who send said skinny computers across the country to their sister.
  • coffee mugs that take two hands to hold
  • books/journals/pens
  • the connollys, i could write entries on each of them, and why i'm thankful for them, but i just love them, and am grateful for them.
  • baking things involving whole wheat, pumpkins, bananas, and everything else autumnal.
  • the fact that it is 12:34pm right now.
  • my parents--their marriage, their unselfish love for each other, and for all three of us.
  • for sweet beu, who sleeps with her little head on my feet every night.
  • the hope of learning more about who God is, and the hope that maybe today i'll make a couple of right choices to become a little less like me, and little bit closer to who He sees me to be.
  • being able to do silly things like buy a new scarf, or a season of 30 rock.
  • our three girls.
  • our fireplace getting turned on for the first time this fall.
  • having cable at our house, and the season finale of project runway.
love you, sorry for not writing more these days.

here's what i was thinking about last year:

Tuesday, September 30, 2008


i have had a strange desire to listen to john denver lately.

i know.

i think it's because of the eTV special that my parents watched while they were in town. you know what i'm talking about, one of those documentary-ish things that involve lots of breaks to ask for your money. well, anyway, for some reason i keep thinking of him, and plus there's that new raisin bran commercial that has one of his songs on it. and obviously, when i think of john denver, i end up thinking of the crocodile hunter.

having trouble following my logic here? you probably should. but, the crocodile hunter always reminded me of john denver, and now with both of their untimely deaths, they are definitely filed in the same mental folder.

sunshine on my shoulders (let's not talk about the fact that this song makes me tear up, even in the raisin bran commercial..)

i joined this facebook group where you make a mixtape for someone every month. i'm pretty excited about it. there are about 500 or so members and we get paired up and send each other an old fashioned mixed tape. fun, huh?

also. i need to find friends. ugh.

[oh--p.s: here is the link to nienie's blog. it's a bit confusing because they are just reposting old entries because she is in critical condition in the hospital. and they sort of talk in code on her website, so just to give you an idea of what's what.

stephanie and christian are the parents. stephanie goes by 'nie', and she refers to her husband as 'mr. nielsen'.

she has four children, who are many times called by nicknames. but their real names are claire, jane, oliver, and nicholas. happy reading.]

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

God is my cigarette

it's been a while friends, hope you haven't forgotten about me out here. 

the parents have come and gone, and beulah and i are sitting here watching fashion police. we had the best week ever. it was restful. it was fun. and i was sad to see them go.  

they came all the way out here during their vacation time to do nothing but pamper me.  and beulah.  it was so sweet and selfless.  and i can't wait until christmas!

i have been all wrapped up in a blog lately. i actually posted a link to it (sort of) on my sidebar. an awesome couple from arizona was in a plane crash over a month ago, and survived, but are very badly injured/burned. the wife/mom is a blogger and over the last few days i have read all of her entries (about 3 years worth). i can't quit thinking about that family. the link on my sidebar is to this woman's sister's page who is updating for her while she's in the hospital.  

anyway, starting tomorrow they are having a benefit sale to help cover at least a portion of their hospital bills.  go here.  maybe go buy a little something for yourself, or someone else and you can feel good about where the money is going:)

as i was driving home with one of our girls last night, she was talking about how she has dealt with stress in the past, and how God has changed things, thus the "God is my cigarette" comment.  it's too good to pass up.  really.  

Saturday, September 13, 2008


i am growing weary of blogging.  

almost four years of continuous blogs makes for very little else to share--besides daily events.  


my parents are flying out today.  i haven't seen them in over six months, so i am really looking forward to them coming.  this week while they're here, i definitely won't be spending much time on the computer.  

our house got cable yesterday, and i am currently watching my second episode of million dollar listing on bravo.  really bad show, and yet, i am still engaged.  

alright-- off to hang up some clothes and do some last minute things for my parent's arrival!

also, any suggestions for getting over the blog hump would be appreciated:)

[MiA------paper planes]

Monday, September 08, 2008

doggie day

well, every day is a doggie day for me these days, but today was an especially fun one. 
right around lunch time every day beulah and i set out for some type of adventure.  it could be a nice long walk all through downtown puyallup, or a trip to the dog park, or even just walking down the street to play with her boyfriend, tucker.  today, the plan was to go to the dog park.  as we made our way down the path to the park, i didn't hear any dogs, so i figured we'd just hike through the numerous trails that surround the park.  

now, you should know, last time i tried this i fell about hmm 200 feet or so down an incredibly steep decline.  poor beulah was much younger, and still connected to her leash when i fell, so she got dragged down with me.  

needless to say, we were both a little hesitant when we started our hike.  
but today was much different and we romped through the woods having no idea where we were going, but just explored, and got a little turned around, and ended up spending almost two hours running around the forest.  it was especially fun because i was able to take beulah off her leash and she stayed right with me the whole time.  

she loved every second.  after getting our bearings and figuring out where we were, we played in the creek for a while, and then headed home.  all in all, there couldn't be a much better day for a dog.  soaked, muddy, and tired.  just the way i love 'em!

love this girl.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

another saturday

hiii all.  

i am currently watching free willy.  i haven't seen this movie since i was (hold for imdb search), wait this might be free willy 2.  well if this is the first one i was 9, and if it's the second one i was 11.  jesse has a lady love, so i'm thinking it's the second one because i don't remember that from the first one.  anyway, too much free willy speculation for one blog.  moving on.

new girl moving in this afternoon.  it's an interesting thing, it is really easy for me to be cynical about our 'girl situation' but, hopefully she will want to be here, that is always a step in the right direction.  

i am trying to refuel myself with a rather large cup of coffee.  hopefully it will get the ball rolling in a few minutes and i will want to do something other than blogging and free willy.  

also, in absolute vulnerability, if you guys could be praying for me (and for the connollys as well) as far as support goes.  i have one family that is supporting me right now, and i am at 1/5 of what i need to be in a responsible place financially.  i am going to have to send out another email in this next week, and if you guys could just pray that i will have wisdom as far as how to word the email, and also that the email will be sent to the right people.  and that mental connections will be made between my friends and organizations/businesses that are interested in giving to non-profits.  

thanks ahead of time for the prayers.

a week from today my parents come!  agh.  so fun.  

Thursday, September 04, 2008

hellacious and awesome.

i hate to exercise.  i do.  i usually find something i can semi-tolerate and do it for a few weeks and then gladly (gleefully, even) find something else to fill my time, like watching season three of project runway for the nineteenth time in my room.  

but i am here to tell you, something has possessed me this last month or so.  

jess and i went to our first spinning class right around the time they returned from their vacation at the end of july.  i hated it, i mean, i saw Jesus' face, and wanted to kill the lady with the neatly pinned back bangs yelling at us to stay on our bikes.  

jess did amazing and i was seconds away from flying over the handlebars.  it was bad.  those first few times were ugly.  but something happened between the soreness in my behind, and the ricky martin musical accompaniment:  i started to really get into it.  and felt really great during it and after it.  

so, at the risk of failure down the road, i am making my love/hate relationship with spinning public.  

there it is.  

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

wherever you are is warmth and light

iron and wine--peng

i either have way too much to say, or nothing at all. i can't be sure.

i have lots of square pegs, and way too many round holes.

this past week has really been the first time that i've struggled with homesickness since i've been here. it's a good thing that my parents are coming out in a few weeks. i'm really really looking forward to being a little taken care of for a few days. being hugged on by my Dad, and laying my head in my mom's lap and having her play with my hair.

it's amazing that no matter how far you travel, or where you move, you're still you. and growing is still work. basic life stuff isn't fun, but making it to the other side means you get to go another round. there is always the knowledge that the next one will be different, not necessarily better or worse, but different, which gives me to motivation to ready myself for whatever comes next.


on another note, it's just about Fall. yesterday i wore jeans, a turtleneck sweater, and a peacoat. on september 1st. this is a dream realized. when i was younger, i always wished that the beginning of school would herald the beginning of cooler weather, but alas, that was never the plight of south carolinians in september. or october.

to continue on with my Fall lovin', i will now list my favorite things about Fall (or specific things from Falls past)

1. The colors--bold, rich, and comfy. this is one of the reasons i've always wanted to be married in the fall.

2. growing up, the churches we went to, and our family for that matter didn't celebrate halloween, we always had 'harvest parties' or something of the like. two of my favorite memories from throughout the years of these parties:
  • when i was really young, my mom cooked a huge HUGE pot of chili to take to the party. my dad had pulled the family van around behind the church gym, and unbeknownst to me, my mom had placed the enormous vat of chili right by the sliding door. it was almost pitch black behind the church, and here i come, barreling towards the car in the dark, and fell butt first into the chili pit, overalls, pigtails, and all. that ride home was sticky. and smelly.
  • winning first place in the pie contest. it's every 12 year old girls dream to beat out the old church ladies for the blue ribbon!
3. warm soup on a rainy night.

4. the smell of burning wood outside, and the smell from the heater the first night it's cold enough to use it.

5. school supplies.

6. season premieres of my favorite tv shows.

7. pumpkins (pie, frappuccinos, chai tea latte with pumpkin pie spice on top, carving them)

8. being outside with a warm drink in my hands.

9. thinking of fun new things to make for thanksgiving, and going wayy overboard.

10. i really don't like football. at all. but the thought of my brothers and my dad watching football all day on saturdays- that totally equals fall in my mind.

happy fall.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

a little double talking

i mentioned the writing blog that i'm apart of the other day, and i think that once in a while i'll repost some of the assignments here.  this makes me feel crazy vulnerable, but whatev, doing it anyway. 

written on 4/16/2008 at the mark kozelek concert in seattle's townhall

i'm in love with life.  i dread reading this at another time when i don't have a crush on life.  that's the best way to describe it, a bit of an infatuation with the way things are.  

it's odd how at certain times in my life, and even certain days in the present time, i am devastated by who i am.  whether it's the sin in my life, or my relationships and their current status, i usually find something to beat myself up over.  not tonight, not today, and hopefully not tomorrow.  

i want to come to every concert here.  it's like a sanctuary, but also a little like a courthouse.  big stained glass dome in the ceiling.  huge half moon arches, thick columns, and dark brown pews all facing a modest stage.  behind it there is a pipe organ looming.  seems as if it is waiting to devour the entire room.  

a smallish man stands playing his guitar.  balding, and wearing a suit jacket a size too small.  bright green asics light up his feet.  dirty jeans.  graphic tee.  singer/songwriter uniform?  

for sure.

his name is david bazan, and i feel quite thrilled to be within earshot of what he has to sing.  

i can't wait to see mark.  last time i saw him i thought i was in love.  i hurt so badly to be in love.  i forced something that never should have or could have happened.  

a lot can happen in three years--my brain still wants to take the same paths-- but i am no longer willing to be someone else to gain the love of a man.  there's nothing worse than being loved--but as someone very different from yourself.  

i'm navigating new seas these days.  don't cover up--don't shed the things that make up pieces of who i am.  with every piece i lose, i become more willing to conform to an ideal.  

i am not ideal.  i am a creation, a painting right in the middle of being painted.  sometimes i get frustrated and try to add or take away from what has been created by the brush already.  vulnerability, being seen, in all my unfinished awkwardness--seems impossible.  

how do you love without at least trying to hide some parts--how do you lose the pretense?  

how do you love without abandon?

how can i ever feel comfortable, all the while knowing the capacity for pain?

what makes loving a man different from loving a friend?  i easily love those who come and go from my life--but i think i expect a man to love me, and no one has yet, so it's humbling and scary wondering, "will you be my love?", and if not, what is wrong with me?  

and then realizing it doesn't have to be something i am lacking.  Lord, sweet, Lord, i so often doubt who you are to me.  my head knows you not only want the best for me, you've planned the best for me.  why is it that i think you don't know my heart?  i guess i sometimes assume my desires are selfish--that scares me that maybe what i want is not good.  

david is still singing.  he just mentioned seeing a video of himself on youtube and feeling badly about himself.  i love hearing about other's moments of insecurity.  makes me feel marginally more normal, and a smidge less insecure.

concerts are a funny thing.  a lot of times i secretly find them silly.  unless i have some emotional attachment to the music, then i'm able to sit and let it sink down into the memories from every other time i've heard it, or times that it has played over an important moment in my life.  

Jesus, i get confused about our purpose as your followers.  who am i supposed to be in order not to give you a bad name?  

what is it about singers and the act of singing that is so intimate?  maybe because you can't help but be honest.  it is the sound of the person you hide--fully seen.  very romantic when done without the affectation of fear or influence of others. 

i'm not sure why i have written through this entire opening act.  i am full to the top--things to say--fears to speak out loud, and vanish into whatever place spoken insecurities go to die.  

i live in seattle now.  dreams are funny, and the realization of them even funnier.  what do you do with the joy of achieving a desire?  it seems to seep out at the most unexpected times.  like today, with me having a crush on life.  

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

out the door

good morning.

i'm about to head out the door with one of our girls, and then jess and i are headed to the gym. but just wanted to say 'hello'. i still have to put on some shoes, brush my teeth, grab a water and my bag, and find my most likely misplaced keys. in six minutes.

but here's this:

ingrid michaelson--keep breathing

just a quick little something on a tuesday. looove.

Monday, August 25, 2008

new dreams and other things

just recently jess and kelly (a friend of jess' from charlotte, and a new friend of mine as well) started up a writing group.

one of our assignments was to write about our perfect day. i have tipped, turned and twisted this project a million different ways trying to find a perspective that made sense to me. i still haven't really figured out what a perfect day would look like, and i am fully aware that i am reading way too much into this project, and i think i will end up writing a very literal list of things that would make up a day i could really appreciate.

all of this to say, that this project has gotten me thinking about a possible new dream. my grandparents live in oklahoma. my grandfather is a savvy little business man. and i do mean little, he's about 97 lbs. not really, but maybe. after my time here at new beginnings i would really like to talk to my grandfather and see if he has a little plot of land that he'd want to give me, or even allow me to pay off over time.

i have no idea what the next few years will hold (obviously) but, when i think of having a few acres and building a house just big enough to live a quiet life, it seems really right, and exactly what i want. so i am mulling over these things.

or maybe i'll find an old place like this, and fix it up.

but yeah, i have grand visions of a really simple life. not sure what i would do for a job. maybe i would really just go full steam ahead and grow some veggies and get a potter's wheel, and become an actual gypsy. oh and a few horses, for sure.

when i left remuda last year, i really hoped one day that i'd be able to adopt the horse i had for equine therapy. his name was ernie, and i loved that smelly guy. many times i would almost be late for an appointment because ernie would see me walking down the path and come over to visit.

so, ernie, be warned, i'm comin' for you one of these days.

that's where my thoughts are taking me these days. for now, though, i am going to continue sitting on our deck thinking about what to make for dinner tonight.

love each of you, and maybe go ahead and book your tickets for oklahoma:)

Saturday, August 23, 2008

i love this.

stuff white people like

my sad little white girl life all summed up in one list. a few of my personal favorites:

girls with bangs:

But for white people, this simple haircut makes a bold declaration by saying that the wearer is artistic, deep, and has probably dated a guy in a band you like. Of course, as with many things loved by white people, simple often means expensive and these haircuts usually cost upwards of $100.

being offended:

It is also valuable to know that white people spend a significant portion of their time preparing for the moment when they will be offended. They read magazines, books, and watch documentaries all in hopes that one day they will encounter a person who will say something offensive. When this happens, they can leap into action with quotes, statistics, and historical examples. Once they have finished lecturing another white person about how it’s wrong to use the term “black” instead of “African-American,” they can sit back and relax in the knowledge that they have made a difference.


But not all white people wear the scarves for temperature reasons. A well made scarf can be an essential part of a white ensemble, allowing for all-important differentiation from other white people wearing the exact same clothes as them. Thus allowing them to be picked out of the crowd for dating or mocking purposes

“I like the guy in the white American Apparel shirt with the glasses.”

“Which one? there are eight.”

“The guy with the keffiyeh.”

“Oh yeah, you’re right. He does look smarter and more political than the other guys. He’s clearly more sensitive to wind, so he’s probably more sensitive in general. You should totally date him.”

outdoor performance clothes:

The main reason why white people like these clothes is that it allows them to believe that at any moment they could find themselves with a Thule rack on top of their car headed to a national park. It could be 4:00 p.m. on a Saturday when they might get a call “hey man, you know what we need to do? Kayak then camping, right now. I’m on my way to get you, there is no time to change clothes.”

bad memories of high school:

Virtually every white person you meet was a nerd in a high school-it it is how they were able to get into a good arts program and law school. As such, their memories of high school are painful, but not tragic since they were able to eventually find success in the real world. Exploiting this information is your one way to ticket into the heart of a white person.

michel gondry:

In putting together the canon of directors that white people like, we must include Michel Gondry. He directed such white classics as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Science of Sleep, and Dave Chappelle’s Block Party. Oh, that’s right Charlie Kaufman, Gael Garcia Bernal, AND Dave Chappelle - could it get any better for white people? Oh yes, it can.

You see, Michel Gondry got famous by directing videos for The White Stripes, Massive Attack and Bjork. These are three bands that, at some point in their lives, all white people have thought were cool.

standing still at concerts:

Music is very important to white people. It truly is the soundtrack to their lives, meaning that white people are constantly thinking about what songs would be on the soundtrack for the biopic. The problem is that most of the music that white people like isn’t really dance-friendly. More often the songs are about pain, or love, or breaking up with someone, or not being able to date someone, or death.

So when white people go to concerts at smaller venues, what to do they do? They stand still! This is an important part of white concert going as it enables you to focus on the music, and it will prevent drawing excess attention to you. Remember, at a concert everyone is watching you just waiting for you to try to start dancing. Then they will make fun of you.

The result is Belle and Sebastian concerts that essentially looks more like a disorganized line of people than a music event.

If you find yourself invited to a concert with a white person, do NOT expect to dance. Prepare yourself for three hours of standing reasonably still. It is also advised to get a beer or (if legal) a cigarette so you have something to do with your hands. Although it is acceptable to occasionally raise one hand and point just above the stage.

making you feel bad about not going outside:

Usually, they will see that you are preparing to enjoy your life and they will say “hey, lets go for a hike in the park,” and most people will say “hey, thanks but I’ve been working all week and I’m really excited about watching this game,” and then they will respond “don’t be a lump on the couch, you’re wasting your life away, etc…” If you ignore them, they will eventually go away.

And much like most things with white people - they win both ways. If you decide to go with them, they feel good about getting someone off the couch and “into the fresh air,” and if you don’t decide to go, they can spend their entire time outdoors saying “boy, this is great, X doesn’t know what he/she is missing!” and running on a mix of self-satisfaction, Odwalla juice and muesli.


There is no doubt that white people love coffee. Yes, it’s true that asians like iced coffee and people of all races enjoy it. But I promise you that the first person at your school to drink coffee was a white person. You could kind of tell they didn’t enjoy it, but they did it anyways until they liked it - like cigarettes.

White people all need Starbucks, Second Cup or Coffee Bean. They are also fond of saying “you do NOT want to see me before I get my morning coffee.” White guys will also call it anything but coffee: “rocket fuel,” “java,” “joe,” “black gold,” and so forth. It’s pretty garbage all around.

If you want to go for extra points - white people really love FAIR TRADE coffee, because paying the extra $2 means they are making a difference.

really and truly, funniest thing ever. you should go explore this website, because there are many more hilarious ones on the list. soon, i will be exploring the "stuff christians like" list per jessi's recommendation.

Friday, August 22, 2008

uh just two of my favorites

these two guys make my life a little sweeter.
scratch that. a lot sweeter.

[a quick project shot by jare]

Thursday, August 21, 2008


okay. i just had a really, really bizarre day.

but let's just talk about tonight. about 4 or 5 months ago, i bought myself a ticket to see radiohead. i have looked so forward to it, but it really snuck up on me. in fact, i had forgotten about it until yesterday morning.

after a weird day, i had even considered scrapping going all together. but, i knew i would really really really hate myself if i passed this up. after a longer than expected doctor's appointment with our new girl, and a quick trip home to let beulah out, i sort of reluctantly set out.

the venue was an amphitheater.

let's just talk through this. i have to really love a band to ever want to see them at an outdoor venue. in the rain.

when i go to a concert, i want to sit, with a cup of coffee (ideally), and be able to scribble down some thoughts while i listen to whoever is playing. now, let's be clear--i realize that i am seconds away from being classified as geriatric.

so, all of these things were running through my head as i started my drive. a few other thoughts were crossing my mind, like,

"i should make friends who will go to concerts with me"
"then i could drive in the carpool lane"
"washington people are really mean in a traffic jam"
"did she just flip me off?"

i finally got off on the exit, and naively assumed that i was seconds from parking and waltzing in to the concert. about 40 minutes later, i finally saw a sign for the whiteriver amphitheater. 5 miles.

i don't think i had gone 5 miles in the previous hour. i cursed.

long story short, i finally made it. remembered how funny/weird/awesome concert goers are, and how much you need another person with you to laugh at the dirty couples making out on the ground, or the abrasive drunk guy who keeps tripping and falling on you.

but, in situations like that, i always find it to be much more adventurous when you do them on your own.

my favorite moment of tonight was when they sang 'talk show host'. arguably my favorite song of theirs.

talk show host

everything about tonight felt a little like 'close encounters of the third kind'. numbly driving out to a field in a long line of cars, getting out and standing with 20,000 other people, all staring at big orange lights.

too tired to tie up the loose ends of this entry. thanks to jess, i don't even have to take beulah out before bed. such luxury. it's been a great night, and it's good to be 24 and get to do fun things like tonight. even if i am a really old 24.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

jessi's happy birthday/writing mix

  • the album leaf--twenty-two fourteen
  • beirut--rhineland (heartland)
  • cliff edwards--when you wish upon a star
  • elliott smith--between the bars
  • elmer berstein--boo who?
  • iron&wine--love vigilantes
  • joanna newsom--the book of right-on
  • dances with wolves--score
  • kate havnevik--nowhere warm
  • bill withers--use me
  • my morning jacket--hopefully (acoustic version)
  • patty griffin--long road
  • pete yorn--EZ
  • rogue wave--salesman at the day of the parade
  • rosie thomas--sell all my things
  • sia--day too soon
  • sigur ros--heysatan
  • sun kil moon--exit does not exist
  • pride and prejudice--darcy's letter
  • sara groves--loving a person
just a crazy/hazy/mixed up mix that's fun and will hopefully help give you even more inspiration as your write!  love you very much.  can't wait to bake a cake with you today:)

Friday, August 15, 2008


i just watched an interview with steven curtis chapman's family on good morning america (via youtube).  it is truly heartbreaking.  they have been on my mind since the accident, but seeing this just leveled me.  

we have another girl moving in.  it feels so much different than with our first three girls.  mostly because i got here after those three were already settled in, and there was a rhythm in the house. 

my sweet friends barry and stewart have been here this week, and that was so fun.  they are on a fun adventure riding across the country, and so we got to have them at the house with us for a few days.  we rode up to port angeles yesterday so they could hop a ferry to canada.   

after a tumultuous few weeks around here, it will be nice for things to settle in and get a new rhythm going. 

we'll see how that goes.

i feel like i have been spinning my wheels emotionally.  and spiritually too, for that matter.  as i sat outside this afternoon, and tried to write, i ended up pitching a fit in the general direction of the Lord.  it seemed so valid in the moment.  

time for the olympics.  

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Saturday, August 09, 2008

ehhhh..keepin it real

in the last few days our house has been preoccupied with the photo booth feature of SB (my computer's name). video blogs have been made, hilarious versions of 'so you think you can dance' routines have been absolutely enjoyed and watched repeatedly.

we celebrated jess' birthday last night with a good ol' fashioned slumber party. it was so great. but i will tell you my favorite part of the whole thing. me, nick, jess, marilee, thadd, and rotating babies yelling out trivial pursuit questions and answers. it really brought me pure joy, and i do think that we should all live at a commune. (apparently in carnation).

now, let's talk olympics.

more specifically, let's talk this guy:

bob costas. i love him. i love anything he narrates, and i love when he does the background stories for olympic athletes. i have great memories of watching the '92 olympics in barcelona with my brothers--it seemed like it was on all summer.

maybe i'll ask him how he feels about communes in carnation?

Thursday, August 07, 2008

just thinking

i don't know if you have ever seen 'about a boy' with hugh grant, but in that movie, hugh's character has a lot of free time on his hands, and discovers that he has to divide his day up into units.  each unit comprising of 30 minutes.  

well, here you go:

"I find the key is to think of a day as units of time, each unit consisting of no more than thirty minutes. Full hours can be a little bit intimidating and most activities take about half an hour. Taking a bath: one unit, watching countdown: one unit, web-based research: two units, exercising: three units, having my hair carefully disheveled: four units. It's amazing how the day fills up, and I often wonder, to be absolutely honest, if I'd ever have time for a job; how do people cram them in? "

during my odyssey of solitude, that was the month of july, i lived life a little like this (or a lot).  

last week, when the timeline for working at new beginnings home became more clear, i automatically began translating my time here into units.  a checklist of days.  

this is not the manner in which i want to live this life.  

seconds that add up to a minute, waiting on that minute to become five.  wait on today to become tomorrow so that maybe i'll get what i'm hoping for.  what i want.

what is it that makes me want to rush through periods of time?  and to be honest, i still don't feel like i am wanting to rush through the rest of my time here at new beginnings, i truly love this sweet little life we've got going.  

i think more of my struggle right now is, i am in the waiting room of life.  

knocking on the door, and waiting for someone to answer.  who will it be?  

it is not my intention to bring this around to the old "treasure every day" sort of life lesson.  

i'm not sure what my intention is, to be honest.  okay, here's what i think i might be trying to say:

i have no idea what i am working towards in the grand scheme of my life.  
right now most everything seems like a series of blurs.
nothing is seriously long term.
i am not married to someone forever.
i don't have children that will be around forever.
life seems temporary.
so--how do you live life in an effective and meaningful way when you don't know what your life is really going to look like?

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