come up for air

i am not sure. really, about anything. i am five years into this whole paying bills, being an adult thing. and boy, it's been trial by fire. i wouldn't say there is anything i have figured out, well, besides don't buy something extravagant and think the rent will pay itself (it won't, surprising, huh?), and also, the electric company doesn't care if you don't have electricity, so pay that too. don't get whatever stupid thing you think you need, pay for your lights first.

that's pretty much the extent of my financial education.

but i'll tell ya, it's a funny thing to realize that this is it. i am a grown up.

expectations are dangerous for me. i suppose they are for everyone, because not communicating expectations to friends, family, coworkers etc., can be the root of much strife in relationships (my opinion), or maybe having them at all is the problem. i think i even wrote about this not long ago, that my expectations for the holiday season are set high. and i am always disappointed, not because anything went wrong, but because i had a vision, but life still ended up being life, and nothing was neat, and every moment wasn't cozy and warm.

but some were, and there were slices of time where my expectations were met--mixed in with the reality of a world where we say mean things sometimes, and we have habits that are hard to break. and attitudes that aren't always full of holiday cheer (read: holy spirit).

if i measured my life up against my hopes and expectations for where i'd be right now, maybe it would be a let down. maybe? but expectations, like hopes, can turn on a dime. and right now, my expectations for life are pretty simple. give away as much love as i can to those that surround me. see what happens when i try to stop feeling entitled to anything. that's a start, anyway.

picture is linked to a really interesting book by spurgeon called "the minister's fainting fits", which talks about depression and discouragement in ministry. quality.

teach me how to shine

i'm having a hard time articulating my thoughts lately.

life is a blur and i'm not sure where my tooth brush is, or where any of my shoes are either. i've been wearing stinky pumas for several days because i'm pretty sure all of my other ones are at the new apartment, which doesn't have water, heat, or a bed yet. maybe not the smartest idea to move all my clothes there already. oh well, that's okay.

i feel a little lost today.

this feeling of wandering has made me think about lost sheep, and how the shepherd leaves the ninety-nine other sheep to search for the one lost sheep who's off somewhere walking in circles, not even aware that it's lost.

i found this sermon by spurgeon this morning, here's an excerpt (a long one, it's worth it though)

"We close by noticing one more matter, which is—THE ONE SOURCE OF JOY. This man who had lost his sheep is filled with joy, but his sheep is the sole source of it. His sheep has so taken up all his thought, and so commanded all his faculties, that as he found all his care centred upon it, so he now finds all his joy flowing from it.

I invite you to notice the first mention of joy we get here: "When he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing." "That is a great load for you, shepherd!" Joyfully he answers, "I am glad to have it on my shoulders." The mother does not say when she has found her lost child, "This is a heavy load." No; she presses it to her bosom. She does not mind how heavy it is; it is a dear burden to her. She is rejoiced to bear it once again. "He layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing." Remember that text: "Who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame." A great sorrow was on Christ when our load was laid on him; but a greater joy flashed into his mind when he thought that we were thus recovered from our lost estate. He said to himself, "I have taken them up upon my shoulders, and none can hurt them now, neither can they wander to destruction. I am bearing their sin, and they shall never come into condemnation. The penalty of their guilt has been laid on me that it may never be laid on them. I am an effectual and efficient Substitute for them. I am bearing, that they may never bear, my Father's righteous ire." His love to them made it a joy to feel every lash of the scourge of justice; his love to them made it a delight that the nails should pierce his hands and feet, and that his heart should be broken with the absence of his Father, God. Even "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani," when the deeps of its woe have been sounded, will be found to have pearls of joy in its caverns. No shout of triumph can equal that cry of grief, because our Lord joyed to bear even the forsaking by his Father for the sin of his chosen whom he had loved from before the foundation of the world."

Charles Haddon Spurgeon

here's the link to the complete sermon

anyway, he doesn't really mention it in that excerpt, but when a lost sheep has been found, the shepherd will break one of its legs, so that it will not be able to wander off again. while the sheep's leg is mending, the shepherd carries the sheep on its shoulders.

supposedly in psalm 51:8, david refers to that shepherding ritual:

" Let me hear joy and gladness;

let the bones you have crushed rejoice."

i don't have a way to tie all this together with a pretty little bow, i'm just thinking on this, and loving that even when i am lost, there is someone looking for me, and a shepherd who is:

"the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation." Exodus 34:6-7

do you guys have any thoughts on this? i would really like to hear them if you do. anyway, gosh, i'm really thankful for the Lord's faithfulness not to leave the guilty (that'd be me) unpunished (despite many times sporting a broken leg), but still abounding in love and compassion. God, let the bones you've crushed in me rejoice.

and two songs for today: star star--swell season

in these arms--swell season