on the lookout

so, i used to have this application on my phone where i could blog pretty easily. well, actually let's rewind even further. i used to have a functioning computer and unlimited wifi access, but these days i have a crippled blogging application on my phone that only allows text, and looks at you like you're crazy should you suggest uploading a picture.

i do not mind it though. i enjoy reading people's thoughts more than scrolling through their pictures, anyway.

hey, have you noticed i'm getting back in the swing of chatting with you? oh yeah? me too.

lately, i have been feeling about work like i used to feel about high school. what excuse can i come up with to not have to go? things are getting real right now. but, i know that it's mostly me. this is the time in any (really any) commitment that i get bored and want to jump ship. right at about 10 months. cause a year seems like a solid amount of time to do anything, so i start making plans for what to do next around 10 months.

i am continuing to feel vulnerable lately. like i am preparing for heartbreak/emergency. does that sound strange? it feels really strange. and probably not great that i just act like it's normal to feel anxiety the way i have been. there are several reasons for it, too long and boring to go into. but, i am looking for peace. always on the lookout.

not much else to say. laying in my bed after a lazy weekend full of open windows, screen doors, and too many cookies. (and lots of winn time). wishing there was some way we could all just spend our days together instead of working to pay the bills.

also, could i sound more like a hippie? "always on the lookout for peace" and wishing "we could spend all our days together".

oh well.

i have always been a proponent of the commune idea.

here's to a great last week of february.

plans?

i've accomplished a few things this week. not necessarily what was on my to-do list, but they're accomplishments nonetheless.

i filed my taxes, and i have been dreaming of things to do with my return all week. too bad money doesn't go quite as far as my plans for it do. also, i sort of cleaned out my car, but not really. beulah has not really gotten walked, but i've taken her to the park and sat in the sun almost every day.

can we actually talk about something? i've been thinking a lot about what i'd like to get done by the time i am 30. for example, i'd like to own my own home by the big 3-0. i do not have a plan in place for this goal, but 2011 is the year. it should be said, that when i say home, i mean farm land somewhere in the carolinas.

also, here's the latest thought. i'm just going to say it, and then we'll talk implications. if i am not married (or in a legit relationship) by the time i'm 30, i am considering starting adoption paperwork. (!)

i can see anyone i know reading that and falling out on the floor. especially my parents. i am just thinking through things. there are so many ifs and maybes and things that would have to happen (or not happen) for me to get to that place, but i am allowing myself to go there. that situation is so sticky and complicated, and i don't know if i would feel good about knowlingly walking into raising a child without a father. at the same time, i think about all the children in the U.S. that need families. or about the 418,000+ children in the american foster care system.

i guess i just get scared of waiting around and wasting my younger years. you know?
so there's that.

'holiday'

i'd hoped i would wake up this morning and that my paycheck would magically be deposited a day early. you know, with it being a 'holiday' and all. no such luck. if i had gotten paid today, i had plans to buy lots of baking supplies, get my oil changed, and maybe buy myself a little something for valentines day. oh, and pay my car payment and electric bill.

plan b for today includes making coffee and a pb&j. then sitting in my bed until i finish my first cup. that's where i am currently. next steps include: showering, taking beulah either for a walk or down to doggie daycare. both take effort, but just different kinds. have (HAVE) to do laundry today (don't have a washer and dryer at my place, so i have to really plan a time to do it), need to file my taxes (which i can do during laundry times), and if i can find some change for the vacuum, clean out my car.

mondays are shaping up to be a new weekly highlight. last week we had our first meeting of the mad men club. i've seen and loved every episode, but lots of friends have not. so instead of passing around the DVDs, we are watching a couple of episodes every monday night together at my house. tonight with it being a 'holiday', we will be dressing up a bit, and had planned to make cocktails, but now that i am poor until tomorrow, that may turn into tap water in martini glasses. we shall see.

anyway, i feel this blog has motivated me to down the remainder of my coffee and get this day started.

cheerio.

wanting.

the older i get, the more vulnerable i feel to the world at large. i think mainly because the older i get, the less excuse i have to blame mistakes on my youth. also, as much as i'd like to think this isn't the case, the world is still pretty scary. my only remaining buffer is my parents, but with each year that buffer becomes thinner and thinner. how is it possible that people are out buying houses and having kids, and being successful? i feel like having enough money to buy a cup of coffee towards the end of my pay period is a victory.

am i doing what i want to do? no. i can barely remember what that is. i want so much. and i'm doing very little to get it. i want to work on the pottery wheel for about two weeks straight, and then open up a booth at the farmer's market to sell food, and then i'd like to get my doula certification, and then i'd like to write a book. and i'd love to fall in love at some point. here's the thing, i cannot even muster the energy to get out of bed without hitting the snooze button six times. i do not function until i have two industrial sized cups of coffee. and i haven't cleaned out my car in about 6 months. so i'm frustrated, i want want want. but i don't don't don't.

so. maybe this week, by next friday (february 18th) i would like to:

• email another doula to set up a coffee date (emailed a few in charlotte that never responded, let me know if you any in the area).
• clean out my car.
• write one blog.
• walk beulah three days.
• finish reading one of the 6 or so books i've started.

seems about right.

signing off now (to lay on the couch).

i should rest up for our monthly birthday dance party tomorrow night.

photos to come.

monday, january 10.

somehow i have managed to have a string of four day weekends all in a row. i am concerned about going back to normal life. for the second day in a row, i've woken up, taken the dog out, started the coffee, and hopped back in bed. with no intention of getting out again until i'm warm and properly caffeinated.

yesterday was a beauty of a day. after climbing back in bed with coffee, a warm pup, my brother josh (who's in town from austin) piled in and we watched a hitchcock movie together until we were ambitious enough to go out in the snow. jared, maria, and winnie came over and i baked some honey cornbread and eggs, and more coffee (clearly).

we then bundled up and made our way down to the neighborhood park where friends were planning to meet us. all of plaza midwood was playing out in the snow, and all the dogs ran around and played, and winnie seemed to handle the cold a little better this time.

after playing for a bit, it was time to rescue rebecca from her treacherous walk to the park. beu and i drove to find her, and picked up lydia on our way back to my house.

all of us ended up settling in at jared and maria's for the day. we watched toy story, popped popcorn, and warmed up while winn slept the afternoon away. later, josh, lydia, becca and i ventured out to the grocery store for sustenance. we made a plan, split up, got the goods and headed home with plenty of cookies and beer.

maria had been cooking dinner in the crockpot all day, so we got home and played a game until dinner was ready. winnie got her pajamas on and drifted to sleep, and we turned on the shining and ate our dinner in the dark.

after the movie, our little caravan headed out into the snow to drop everyone off at their prospective homes.

it was a great day. dare i say, a perfect one. by the end of it, i was wishing we could all just live in one big house, or you know adjacent smaller houses and cook and eat together all the time.

and then i remembered we can.

january.

the holidays are over now. many times this first week of the new year has a feeling of sadness lingering over it. i don't feel that way this year. these last few weeks have been festive and lovely. every moment i wasn't working i packed in lots of hot chocolate and movies, 'ice skating' (meaning wine night), pizza parties, and new years eve karaoke.

we also got snow on christmas day this year, which has never happened. it was beautiful. jared has been off work all week and that has spoiled us all, i think. having him around and available felt so nice. festivities continued when maria's family came into town, and i ended out the week with a four day weekend.

so, instead of feeling sad that it's all over, i feel like i have a huge reserve of quality time stored up to last me for a little while, you know through the harsh winter.

more than anything though, i just feel really thankful for 2010. it has been a great year. it is odd to say goodbye to that entire decade (what do we call that? the 00's?). just about everything happened to me in those 10 years. high school, college, and the first half of my twenties.

anyway, real life starts back now, but as it turns out i like my real life.

so, happy new year everyone.

photo dump

here's an update from my phone.


beu on a hike



bethany and i on a balloon mission.



winn and auntie lo.









ginn and mesa on a very strange evening.



my girl.



new place.



one of my nanny babes all grown up.



spirit week at work. annie hall/jersey shore respectively.





black mountain/sufjan times.






autumn in nc.



jmac's birthday donut.



my car got violated.



tran wedding.













so that's the last couple of months in pictures.