Monday, September 13, 2010

limitless

do you ever lose your voice? that's how i have felt these last few weeks. not sure what to say, or if there's anything to say at all. i sit, and plan to write to you, but i don't know how to let you in, because i have felt on the outside myself.


right now, i feel tired of filling up my calendar, and trying to find somewhere new to live, and tired of wondering when big things will start happening for me. i get so mad at myself when i hope, it feels like someone teetering on the edge of a rooftop. useless, unless you are trying to get hurt.


hope has felt dangerous.


i am not unhappy, and i wouldn't even say that i am lacking in joy. i would say that i fear.


there are limitless roads i could walk down from here.

in my life.

what is not scary about that?

my entire life, i have prayed.

prayed prayed

prayed.

that Jesus would wait to come back until i could become

a wife

and a mom.

and here i am, trying to find something i can do.

not to just to fill the time,

but to start building my own life.

by myself.


i just did not expect this.


though

sometimes,

being alone almost feels like the least frightening option.


tonight i came home mad. and i walked around my house, and talked to this God that loves me, and i asked Him what in the world He is thinking. i do so want to hope, and to believe that He is good (through and through). but my understanding of goodness is so human.


so i doubt.


i wish i could erase it, but that doubt lingers until i'm too scared to hope for anything better than ordinary.


but tomorrow is new.

and i have hope that it will be extraordinary.


3 comments:

Charis Hil said...

sometimes the seasons that seem to be the longest wait, the biggest unknown... the scariest time... ends up being just a blip in the larger scheme of your eventful life.
Scary- hell yeah.
but exciting really.... sometimes you just have to make decisions.. and and let your life be lived.. and enjoy it to the fullest...
because no matter how long you wait.. someone has waited longer..
and while you're waiting... someone else is too.
one day this season of rat invested apartments... answering phone calls and coming home alone will make sense..
but til then...
as george michael (and a lot of other wise men) say... 'you gotta have faith'

Leigh said...

you explained your feelings and thoughts on this season in your life perfectly. In so many ways I understand, while our lives are different I feel like most days I am in a holding pattern waiting for our children when I shouldn't be twirling my fingers and waiting to be a mom but actually living life actively. It's hard to move forward when forward isn't the forward you wished for. Praying for you friend!

Ginny Elizabeth said...

"but my understanding of goodness is so human" - i love that. it is so true. i am so thankful for your words, your openness to be vulnerable, and the fact that you are real about life. i am praying for you lady. you are such an inspiration to me.

God has the best plan for us. that is something to be excited about.

ps- the word verification i have to type in.. "unholy" hahaha!

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