do you ever lose your voice? that's how i have felt these last few weeks. not sure what to say, or if there's anything to say at all. i sit, and plan to write to you, but i don't know how to let you in, because i have felt on the outside myself.
right now, i feel tired of filling up my calendar, and trying to find somewhere new to live, and tired of wondering when big things will start happening for me. i get so mad at myself when i hope, it feels like someone teetering on the edge of a rooftop. useless, unless you are trying to get hurt.
hope has felt dangerous.
i am not unhappy, and i wouldn't even say that i am lacking in joy. i would say that i fear.
there are limitless roads i could walk down from here.
in my life.
what is not scary about that?
my entire life, i have prayed.
that Jesus would wait to come back until i could become
and a mom.
and here i am, trying to find something i can do.
not to just to fill the time,
but to start building my own life.
i just did not expect this.
being alone almost feels like the least frightening option.
tonight i came home mad. and i walked around my house, and talked to this God that loves me, and i asked Him what in the world He is thinking. i do so want to hope, and to believe that He is good (through and through). but my understanding of goodness is so human.
so i doubt.
i wish i could erase it, but that doubt lingers until i'm too scared to hope for anything better than ordinary.
but tomorrow is new.
and i have hope that it will be extraordinary.