limitless

do you ever lose your voice? that's how i have felt these last few weeks. not sure what to say, or if there's anything to say at all. i sit, and plan to write to you, but i don't know how to let you in, because i have felt on the outside myself.

right now, i feel tired of filling up my calendar, and trying to find somewhere new to live, and tired of wondering when big things will start happening for me. i get so mad at myself when i hope, it feels like someone teetering on the edge of a rooftop. useless, unless you are trying to get hurt.

hope has felt dangerous.

i am not unhappy, and i wouldn't even say that i am lacking in joy. i would say that i fear.

there are limitless roads i could walk down from here.

in my life.

what is not scary about that?

my entire life, i have prayed.

prayed prayed

prayed.

that Jesus would wait to come back until i could become

a wife

and a mom.

and here i am, trying to find something i can do.

not to just to fill the time,

but to start building my own life.

by myself.

i just did not expect this.

though

sometimes,

being alone almost feels like the least frightening option.

tonight i came home mad. and i walked around my house, and talked to this God that loves me, and i asked Him what in the world He is thinking. i do so want to hope, and to believe that He is good (through and through). but my understanding of goodness is so human.

so i doubt.

i wish i could erase it, but that doubt lingers until i'm too scared to hope for anything better than ordinary.

but tomorrow is new.

and i have hope that it will be extraordinary.