wanting.

the older i get, the more vulnerable i feel to the world at large. i think mainly because the older i get, the less excuse i have to blame mistakes on my youth. also, as much as i'd like to think this isn't the case, the world is still pretty scary. my only remaining buffer is my parents, but with each year that buffer becomes thinner and thinner. how is it possible that people are out buying houses and having kids, and being successful? i feel like having enough money to buy a cup of coffee towards the end of my pay period is a victory.

am i doing what i want to do? no. i can barely remember what that is. i want so much. and i'm doing very little to get it. i want to work on the pottery wheel for about two weeks straight, and then open up a booth at the farmer's market to sell food, and then i'd like to get my doula certification, and then i'd like to write a book. and i'd love to fall in love at some point. here's the thing, i cannot even muster the energy to get out of bed without hitting the snooze button six times. i do not function until i have two industrial sized cups of coffee. and i haven't cleaned out my car in about 6 months. so i'm frustrated, i want want want. but i don't don't don't.

so. maybe this week, by next friday (february 18th) i would like to:

• email another doula to set up a coffee date (emailed a few in charlotte that never responded, let me know if you any in the area).
• clean out my car.
• write one blog.
• walk beulah three days.
• finish reading one of the 6 or so books i've started.

seems about right.

signing off now (to lay on the couch).

i should rest up for our monthly birthday dance party tomorrow night.

photos to come.