a little double talking

i mentioned the writing blog that i'm apart of the other day, and i think that once in a while i'll repost some of the assignments here.  this makes me feel crazy vulnerable, but whatev, doing it anyway. 

written on 4/16/2008 at the mark kozelek concert in seattle's townhall

i'm in love with life.  i dread reading this at another time when i don't have a crush on life.  that's the best way to describe it, a bit of an infatuation with the way things are.  

it's odd how at certain times in my life, and even certain days in the present time, i am devastated by who i am.  whether it's the sin in my life, or my relationships and their current status, i usually find something to beat myself up over.  not tonight, not today, and hopefully not tomorrow.  

i want to come to every concert here.  it's like a sanctuary, but also a little like a courthouse.  big stained glass dome in the ceiling.  huge half moon arches, thick columns, and dark brown pews all facing a modest stage.  behind it there is a pipe organ looming.  seems as if it is waiting to devour the entire room.  

a smallish man stands playing his guitar.  balding, and wearing a suit jacket a size too small.  bright green asics light up his feet.  dirty jeans.  graphic tee.  singer/songwriter uniform?  

for sure.

his name is david bazan, and i feel quite thrilled to be within earshot of what he has to sing.  

i can't wait to see mark.  last time i saw him i thought i was in love.  i hurt so badly to be in love.  i forced something that never should have or could have happened.  

a lot can happen in three years--my brain still wants to take the same paths-- but i am no longer willing to be someone else to gain the love of a man.  there's nothing worse than being loved--but as someone very different from yourself.  

i'm navigating new seas these days.  don't cover up--don't shed the things that make up pieces of who i am.  with every piece i lose, i become more willing to conform to an ideal.  

i am not ideal.  i am a creation, a painting right in the middle of being painted.  sometimes i get frustrated and try to add or take away from what has been created by the brush already.  vulnerability, being seen, in all my unfinished awkwardness--seems impossible.  

how do you love without at least trying to hide some parts--how do you lose the pretense?  

how do you love without abandon?

how can i ever feel comfortable, all the while knowing the capacity for pain?

what makes loving a man different from loving a friend?  i easily love those who come and go from my life--but i think i expect a man to love me, and no one has yet, so it's humbling and scary wondering, "will you be my love?", and if not, what is wrong with me?  

and then realizing it doesn't have to be something i am lacking.  Lord, sweet, Lord, i so often doubt who you are to me.  my head knows you not only want the best for me, you've planned the best for me.  why is it that i think you don't know my heart?  i guess i sometimes assume my desires are selfish--that scares me that maybe what i want is not good.  

david is still singing.  he just mentioned seeing a video of himself on youtube and feeling badly about himself.  i love hearing about other's moments of insecurity.  makes me feel marginally more normal, and a smidge less insecure.

concerts are a funny thing.  a lot of times i secretly find them silly.  unless i have some emotional attachment to the music, then i'm able to sit and let it sink down into the memories from every other time i've heard it, or times that it has played over an important moment in my life.  

Jesus, i get confused about our purpose as your followers.  who am i supposed to be in order not to give you a bad name?  

what is it about singers and the act of singing that is so intimate?  maybe because you can't help but be honest.  it is the sound of the person you hide--fully seen.  very romantic when done without the affectation of fear or influence of others. 

i'm not sure why i have written through this entire opening act.  i am full to the top--things to say--fears to speak out loud, and vanish into whatever place spoken insecurities go to die.  

i live in seattle now.  dreams are funny, and the realization of them even funnier.  what do you do with the joy of achieving a desire?  it seems to seep out at the most unexpected times.  like today, with me having a crush on life.  

new dreams and other things

just recently jess and kelly (a friend of jess' from charlotte, and a new friend of mine as well) started up a writing group.

one of our assignments was to write about our perfect day. i have tipped, turned and twisted this project a million different ways trying to find a perspective that made sense to me. i still haven't really figured out what a perfect day would look like, and i am fully aware that i am reading way too much into this project, and i think i will end up writing a very literal list of things that would make up a day i could really appreciate.


all of this to say, that this project has gotten me thinking about a possible new dream. my grandparents live in oklahoma. my grandfather is a savvy little business man. and i do mean little, he's about 97 lbs. not really, but maybe. after my time here at new beginnings i would really like to talk to my grandfather and see if he has a little plot of land that he'd want to give me, or even allow me to pay off over time.

i have no idea what the next few years will hold (obviously) but, when i think of having a few acres and building a house just big enough to live a quiet life, it seems really right, and exactly what i want. so i am mulling over these things.

or maybe i'll find an old place like this, and fix it up.

but yeah, i have grand visions of a really simple life. not sure what i would do for a job. maybe i would really just go full steam ahead and grow some veggies and get a potter's wheel, and become an actual gypsy. oh and a few horses, for sure.

when i left remuda last year, i really hoped one day that i'd be able to adopt the horse i had for equine therapy. his name was ernie, and i loved that smelly guy. many times i would almost be late for an appointment because ernie would see me walking down the path and come over to visit.

so, ernie, be warned, i'm comin' for you one of these days.

that's where my thoughts are taking me these days. for now, though, i am going to continue sitting on our deck thinking about what to make for dinner tonight.

love each of you, and maybe go ahead and book your tickets for oklahoma:)

no guilt in life, no fear in death

this blog is going to be a very incomplete thought (as is 98.3% of all my writing). many times my thoughts begin and never quite develop. very stream of consciousness and incredibly unorganized.

i was sitting in church yesterday and i realized how differently i see the Lord than i used to. i am struck by the Lord's ability to change my perspective and his ability to give me a new heart when it comes to Him. i feel like i say this all the time, but it is that amazing to me.

for years and years i saw the Lord only in the light of "if I die tonight, will i go to heaven?". what am i doing in my life that maybe i shouldn't be, that might cause God to look upon me in a lesser light? i should probably go throw away all of my secular cds or not watch a movie that even has the word 'damn' in it.

God was about pressure and performance. i know this is something that is common in the church, but i really don't care if this was every single person's story, because to me, it still seems miraculous.

i remember knowing as a child that i should love the Lord, and i remember praying to Him as young as 10 just begging Him to show me how to love Him and how to understand a little more about who His son is. in order to have even a speck of love for Jesus i would really have to concentrate on his death on the cross and then i'd be like, "okay, i guess i really need to love Him because, ya know, his beard got ripped out and stuff".

many times in my adolescence my only motivation to continue to pursue the Lord was to ensure that my life would "turn out okay" and that i wouldn't do __________ (fill in the blank with whatever silly taboo thing you desire). my decisions to abstain from certain activities had nothing to do with a love for the Lord, but everything to do with a fear of judgment from other christians, and a fear of making a wrong choice, and then dying in a car accident that night, and going straight to hell.

in the physical sense, this year (actually the last several) has been very taxing. having thought this way about the Lord for most of my life, i began to be really angry, and then looked at myself in the way that i assumed the Lord must. but as i began to seek something different, and come to place of full understanding that my life wasn't turning out okay, and not necessarily by avoiding "taboo" things, but by not seeing the Lord for who He is, and for not allowing Him to love me in such a way that i was challenged to seek Him and let these other distractions fall to the wayside as a result of my pursuit of Him. not because of responsibility, but because of an obsession with the full, vibrant, and bold life that He has called us to.

sitting in church yesterday, was one of the first times ever that i talked about the book of revelation and wasn't nervous or uncomfortable. we talked about Heaven and Hell, and i didn't think about "the rapture" or "end times" or "judgment day" (not that these discussions don't have their place).

i thought about being able to sit with Jesus, and it wasn't scary.

and no matter what, that change from fear of Hell to living a life of vibrance and freedom before the Lord, will be the greatest miracle of my life.