maybe a little too vulnerable?

gosh, life is full these days. i have many jumbled thoughts and theories on where i am presently. i am deeply content with where the Lord has me, and a little stronger from the major gutting that my heart has undergone in the last few years.

alright, so let's be real here for a minute. i figure if i am going through something, maybe someone reading this is too. and i don't think christians talk about singleness (singlehood?) in a positive light, so let's work this out.

for the last few days, i've had a bit of a hard time feeling really unseen, like actually nonexistent to the opposite sex. these feelings make it easy for old thought patterns to spring up in me, which is not okay. then that insecurity gives me an urgency to change or fix my situation. change this part of myself that maybe isn't pleasing. lose 5 lbs. don't be so blunt. grow my hair out. get rid of that zit. don't talk so much. whatever it is.

as i have been really aware of these feelings and thought through them, i remembered something i prayed for a lot in college.

we had a speaker in chapel at some point in my time at north greenville who spoke about adam and eve (genesis 2). how the Lord placed adam in a "deep sleep" while He was creating eve, and didn't wake him until she was created, ready, and waiting for him. the speaker put that picture alongside song of solomon 2:7 which says, "daughters of jerusalem, i charge you, by the gazelles and by the does of the field, do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires". he encouraged us to stay in that "deep sleep" until it was evident that the Lord was waking us up.

that was such a clear picture and idea that i carried with me for years, and prayed that the Lord would keep me asleep until (or if) He has a mate for me.

i had totally forgotten about that.

this weekend, i was praying (read: complaining) and i remembered that prayer from college and felt a little stupid. i've been feeling unseen, forgotten, all that stuff. but is it the desire of the Lord for me to be attractive and winsome to a large audience? no. actually, no. that is my need for approval that is telling me i should be affirmed by joe schmohawk. i am just bored in the waiting, and feel like i need to be distracted, and that is not the heart of the Lord for me. to be pacified because i'm bored.

so, if we're being honest, i am a little annoyed with myself for praying that prayer so fervently. ha. but that's alright. at least i'm reminded i'm not even supposed to be seen yet. so, i'll stay asleep, and be thankful for remembering its purpose.

kiss

here you are: prince for the thursday lulllzzzz.

enjoy.

wow

i have been reading molly piper's blog for a while now. sadly, like many mommy/life/woman blogs, her's was born out of tragedy, or at least came to the forefront during a really sad time in their lives. molly is john piper's daughter-in-law. she and her husband lost their second baby, felicity a little over 2 years ago.

anyway, after seeing a tweet from john piper today saying something about molly's ultrasound, i checked her blog, and you just have to read it. i'll let it speak for itself.

sunday in the kitchen

shaking things up a bit, and writing on a different day than saturday. well, it's sunday, but at least i'm out of the saturday on the couch habit. right now, i'm making sunday morning breakfast.

i was just thinking that i miss living in a family. it's fun to wake up on a sunday morning and have everyone stumble out in their pajamas and have orange danish rolls from the pillsbury tube. i mean, think about it. as a kid, you get the benefits of family with none of the responsibility. but, i guess, you never realize that when you're a kid. you think the world is ending when your brother is playing video games and you're missing "little house on the prairie".

...no? that was just me?

anyway, i just made some eggs, cinnamon raisin whole wheat english muffin, and some coffee. i found an interesting recipe for whole wheat english muffins that i'd like to try. english muffins are fascinating to me. and seem like they might be difficult to get right. okay, so i threw some hummus and cheddar cheese in the eggs, and garlic of course, they're pretty good, but for some reason they came out tasting like fried chicken. odd?

let me tell you something about the garlic. over a month ago, laci and i went down to the farmers market by the airport. i bought an enormous bag of pre-peeled heads of garlic. none of the papery mess but you still get the satisfaction of slamming them to bits before chopping them up. i have been steadily using that garlic in ev-ery-thing. really. it's pathetic. not kidding when i say that i take that bag of garlic with me to people's houses. so weird and embarrassing, but i do. the other night i went down to ally's and we were making grilled cheese and tomato soup, and ally already had all the stuff, but when i stopped by my house, i grabbed that dang garlic hoping we could use it somehow. so, i walk in to ally's house with my pitiful bag of the smelly stuff. ally was confused and beulah was definitely embarrassed and i'm pretty sure she texted one of her friends and said something like, "OMG, you will NOT believe what my mom just did".

all that said, i may have hit my limit with garlic. i never thought that day would come, but here it is. you know it's bad when you're carrying your own garlic from place to place. i need to be cut off.

please know that this used to be in a large grocery sized plastic bag. whittled it down to a ziploc.

have a great week everyone! maybe i'll see you sometime this week on a non-saturday/sunday. did i mention my computer is broken?

it's not you, it's definitely me.

Dear Niece Baby,

we had a party for you last night. both of your grandmas were there, and lots of your mom and dad's friends. it was sweet and fun, and everyone is so excited to meet you.

you got lots of new clothes, so you'll never have that anxious 'what to wear' feeling when you're picking out your outfits in the morning:)

we all get to meet you in about 2 months. now to you i bet that feels like a long time, but it's really so soon! so you keep on growing and hanging out with your momma, and when the weather finally gets warm and nice, why don't you come out to play?

we love you so much already, and can't wait to learn who you are, and if you have curly hair? no hair? teddy's long eyelashes?

see you soon little bug!

auntie

(ps--sorry i don't take more pictures)

another saturday on the couch

eek. saturday again. i just woke up from a nap, and it's dark in our apartment. i slept in my wedding shower clothes, and i'm not sure why. we got to celebrate raech today, which was really great. she has been such a great part of my life here in charlotte. have i told you that we met at remuda ranch? and there is such a sweetness to that aspect of our relationship. like, i sort of just want to go hug her right now, and also thank God for knowing how special it'd be to have a friend in my life that shared that experience.

i'm drinking a little coffee to wake me up for girl time tonight. also, caedmon's call is playing. what a throw back that is. sheesh. i remember looooving them so much in middle and high school. and for some reason any time i hear them now, i picture my freshmen english classroom. weird, huh? i've heard a lot of friends talking lately about how they'd do high school differently now. it's probably because we're quickly approaching our 10 year reunion. maybe.

let me be honest here for a second. i'm not over high school. i've been able to overcome a lot of insecurities in the 10 years since i walked high school halls, but i break into a sweat just thinking about P.E. class or the cafeteria (ack!!!). that's for real, guys.

maybe i need to go to my 10 year reunion just to face that fear? thoughts? (it's still 2 years away..)

march is almost here, and 2010 is just plugging along. so far so good, i think. how has y'alls year been so far? tell me things. i can't tell you to write or blog more, because i have been bad about it lately. well, for a while now. i think i'll treasure these little snippets in the future. not life changing, but a time capsule of my life now.

after thinking about my high school reunion and how much i don't want to go, i think i should make a to-do list of scary things. public speaking, high school reunions, karaoke, stand up comedy, you know horrific things like that. and then do them:)

happy almost spring!!!

consecration and cars

I have been attempting to write for some time, but just have not been able to wrap my brain around it. But, Saturday mornings always help sort things out for me. A little bacon and lingering time over coffee are capable of great things in my life.

This week has been long. Long, but purposeful. The funny thing is, I'm not totally sure of its purpose yet. That's why it's been tough to update you, because I'm smack in the middle of untangling the 27 different things that I feel like the Lord is teaching me about the events of this week alone.

A couple of weeks ago, I asked you all for prayer for reliable transportation, and I was so excited to share with you about how the Lord provided. A few days after I got my new car, it was broken into while I was at church.

When I walked out and saw it, I was just really sad. And this is where I'm still working all this out and asking God to teach me, because how do you remain thankful and responsible for the gifts He's given you, wihthout holding on to them too tight? I feel so thankful for his provision that I want to take care of it well. You know, be a good steward (and all those other Sunday school words).

But this week, I've found myself thinking selfish and materialistic things about my car being broken into. I wasn't sinned against. How could I have been? If I truly believed the Lord gave me this car, then this is not a crime against me.

The implications of that are huge, though. Like knowing that we ourselves are not our own, so when we are sinned against, being offended is pretty pointless. Because as my Creator, he is also my defender, and what He provides is his to defend. From cars to jobs, to a husband or my family.

So, I wouldn't call this week 'fun', but gosh, it has stretched and challenged me to keep my hands open in all areas of my life.