pleading.

there have been times in my life when i have been alone. the kind of alone where you dream of people knowing you in that easy, silent way. where you don't have to get so much out on the table just to be comfortable sitting by each other quietly.

there have been times where i couldn't bring myself to try. to try to throw some bricks down on the foundation of a life i could be joyful about living. i would sleep through as much of the day as i could, just so the sun wouldn't be up anymore. so it would actually be acceptable to be in my bed. to pull the covers up over my face and hide from another day.

somewhere along the way all the windows and doors were opened, and it all got aired out. i plead for peace in my heart, and after a while all that pleading led somewhere. to peace, i guess. and a comfort in what i'm made up of, because i know what and who it is that makes me up.

at times, i still trip into that loneliness. and i lay there for a bit. and remember how it felt to actually be alone. but then i remember i can open up the windows by choice this time, because i remember the way out.

i call Him by name and He answers.

maybe all that pleading led to this life. a life full of people who can sit next to me when i'd rather be alone and not say anything, but say everything also.

merton.

thomas merton is a hero of mine. during many hard days, i've read his words and been able to see the Lord in a different way. from a very honest angle. an angle that gives me hope. thomas' life is incredibly interesting and i encourage you to read any of his writing. 'seeds' is a classic. here's an excerpt from my reading tonight:

"even the capacity to recognize our condition before God is itself a grace. we cannot always attain it at will. to learn meditation does not mean learning an artificial technique for infallibly producing "compunction" and the "sense of our nothingness" whenever we please. on the contrary, this would be the result of violence and would be inauthentic. meditation implies the capacity to receive this grace whenever God wishes to grant it to us, and therefore a permanent disposition to humility, attention to reality, receptivity, pliability. to learn to meditate then means to gradually get free from habitual hardness of heart, torpor and grossness of mind, due to arrogance and non-acceptance of simple reality, or resistance to the concrete demands of God's will.

if in fact our hearts remain apparently indifferent and cold, and we find it morally impossible to "begin" meditating in this way, then we should at least realize that this coldess is itself a sign of our need and of our helplessness. we should take it accordingly as a motive for prayer. we might also reflect that perhaps without meaning to we have fallen into a spirit of routine, and are not able to see how to recover our spontaneity without God's grace, for which we must wait patiently, but with earnest desire. this waiting itself will be for us a school of humility."

--thomas merton.

summertime.

i haven't been a big fan of summer for a long time.

when summertime meant no school, no summer job, just lots of VBS and family activities. weeks of time stretched before you to do nothing but play til it got dark, it was magic.

as i've gotten older, summer has become less about freedom and more of an inconvenience. my schedule looks no different than the rest of the year, except it is hot-as-all-get-out.

but so far this summer--it's been like a little slice of childhood.

took a lake wylie adventure and just ended up jumping into the neighborhood pool around midnight.






discovered the best bbq i've had, maybe ever. at a restaurant called whispering pines in albemarle.






headed to the drive-in movie, where it felt like we had transported back to 1952. the music, the fireflies, the ice cream. magic.





on sunday we had church and celebrated a birthday at pinky's and had porch time with plenty of red wine.






we headed to the pool bright and early on the fourth and swam and laid in the sun for hours. i hadn't put on a bathing suit and lounged at a pool since..i actually can't remember.












last night we waited out the storm together and grilled and passed around baby arthur and enjoyed each other.

at one point we took a drive and saw this:






and broke out into patriotic singing for the rest of the ride.

we picked up more friends and brought them to the party and we walked down the road to the park that had a terrific view of the skyline. we watched the fireworks with everyone in charlotte. and walked back in a huge pack of people to kate's house. sat on the porch, said our goodbyes and finished the night with a few patriotic episodes of the wonder years.

and i came home and fell asleep face down on my bed.

like a 5 year old.
summer 2011, so far so good.
vacation is happening in 3 days.






cannot wait.
happy summer.

morning will come.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MJio3s2wFI

ugh. i've been listening to bon iver's cover of bonnie rait's "i can't make you love me" on repeat all morning. he sang it on jimmy fallon a while back, and i can't stop listening to it. (click on above link).

i feel like i can go for weeks and even months walking through life asleep, coasting. waking up from those times is surprising. instead of feeling dull and numb, i am feeling a little shredded. in the way that makes you feel a spark.

all day on thursday, i was down. courtney had planned a prayer night at her house, and i didn't even know if i was up for making it. but, with age i have learned that making choices opposite to your emotions, is many (most) times the best choice you can make. so i went, fully prepared to cry and just be blah if i needed to be.

it was a small group of ladies that i love. as in, friends that i'm really sharing my every day with. friends that struggle through my tree filled yard and take my dog for the day so i'm not worried about her. friends that offer their homes to me in the middle of the night when a storm hits, and friends that love me through grumpy days and 40 hours a week of tough work environments and early mornings.

so there we sat,
and we talked about Jesus.

and there it was.
we talked about how to effect change without having any agenda or piety.
and talked about the parts of life that i'm so uncertain of.
it was like taking deep, full breaths.

the whole thing restarted my heart.
i think i forgot how much i love to talk about the Lord.
and how much i need to.

afternoon activity.

the big wall in my living room said 'happy holidays' up until yesterday. i'd made excuses for it until memorial day, but it was time.

i love mondays.

i also picked up a packing crate yesterday. hoping to make it a pot rack or something.

we shall see.
happy new week to you all.

spring.

practicality.

on sunday, i greeted people that walked in the door of our church. i love having that job and getting to see people i love arrive at a place i really love. a new favorite of mine, pauline, walked in and promptly asked me where she could leave a bag of bath towels. i told her i wasn't sure, but i could check. she explained that these towels no longer "matched her decor" and she'd like to give them to someone who could use them.

[a little backstory. i am in a funny stage in life right now. not bad, mostly sweet, but really just every single penny is accounted for. sometimes i forget to buy more than one light bulb, and sometimes i switch that one light bulb from lamp to lamp. or sometimes i forget to buy towels and have to wash my one towel over and over again.]

when pauline offered her towels, my one bath towel sprung to mind, but i pushed it aside and felt like someone else could use them more than me. very quickly though, i felt like i was supposed to tell her that i was in need of them. so i did, and i felt a little silly and a little selfish.

pauline went to her car to grab her bag of an entire towel, hand towel, and wash cloth set.

i loaded the bag in the back of my car after church without much thought. the next morning i remembered them, and went to grab a new towel before my shower.

when i opened the bag, i couldn't believe it. the towels were beautiful and practically brand new. in that moment, i felt so surprised. in the most practical and impractical ways.

like, here is a basic need you have: towels. okay, someone walks up and hands you a bag of them. and also like, i know you lauren, and i'd like to provide you with a really beautiful practical item just because i adore you.

i know it may sound silly, and that's okay. but, i just haven't been able to get those towels out of my head all week. i have felt and still feel very loved by my community and especially by a Lord that orchestrates these little moments that help me remember that He is there.