Thursday, August 07, 2008

just thinking

i don't know if you have ever seen 'about a boy' with hugh grant, but in that movie, hugh's character has a lot of free time on his hands, and discovers that he has to divide his day up into units.  each unit comprising of 30 minutes.  

well, here you go:

"I find the key is to think of a day as units of time, each unit consisting of no more than thirty minutes. Full hours can be a little bit intimidating and most activities take about half an hour. Taking a bath: one unit, watching countdown: one unit, web-based research: two units, exercising: three units, having my hair carefully disheveled: four units. It's amazing how the day fills up, and I often wonder, to be absolutely honest, if I'd ever have time for a job; how do people cram them in? "

during my odyssey of solitude, that was the month of july, i lived life a little like this (or a lot).  

last week, when the timeline for working at new beginnings home became more clear, i automatically began translating my time here into units.  a checklist of days.  

this is not the manner in which i want to live this life.  

seconds that add up to a minute, waiting on that minute to become five.  wait on today to become tomorrow so that maybe i'll get what i'm hoping for.  what i want.

what is it that makes me want to rush through periods of time?  and to be honest, i still don't feel like i am wanting to rush through the rest of my time here at new beginnings, i truly love this sweet little life we've got going.  

i think more of my struggle right now is, i am in the waiting room of life.  

knocking on the door, and waiting for someone to answer.  who will it be?  

it is not my intention to bring this around to the old "treasure every day" sort of life lesson.  

i'm not sure what my intention is, to be honest.  okay, here's what i think i might be trying to say:

i have no idea what i am working towards in the grand scheme of my life.  
right now most everything seems like a series of blurs.
nothing is seriously long term.
i am not married to someone forever.
i don't have children that will be around forever.
life seems temporary.
so--how do you live life in an effective and meaningful way when you don't know what your life is really going to look like?

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