back at it

a friend of mine was saying she writes mental blogs which makes me laugh for several reasons:

• aren't mental blogs, really just thinking?
• she hates blogs, but writes them anyway throughout her day..in her head.
• funny also, because she says that she will recite her mental blogs aloud to her husband at the end of the day, and that they're awesome.

i don't doubt the quality of these mental blogs for a second. the whole thing still makes me laugh. however funny that is to me, i definitely do it too. sometimes while i'm driving (the site of most of my mental blogs), i'll pull out my phone and put a title in the notes on my phone. days later i'll look at it and have no idea what i was thinking about. which is always frustrating because i obviously thought it was awesome enough to scurry around to find my phone and type out a subject. but when i actually have time, i've forgotten the little snippets that i could write a blog around.

i wonder how long it will be (for real) before we can just hit download somewhere and have our thoughts in written form. that sounds crazy and too invasive, but sometimes it'd be nice. the bad would outweigh the good though.

(bad parts: friends' bad haircuts, ugly babies, having a crush..i think at 25, i may be too old to use the term "crush"..not sure?).

here are some things swishing around in my head lately as i'm driving.

• online dating--i have very specific and strong feelings about this.
• songs that encapsulate certain experiences in my life.
• time at remuda, why i don't talk about it much to people i meet now, and how i still have not even BEGUN to process some of the things that happened there.
• how to live a life where i'm broken-hearted over the sin and pride in my heart, but not living in the dirt wallowing about it either.
• oh, also the potential business i'm brainstorming with my friend (the mental blogger). this could be something. but i'm not going to jinx it. i'll fill you in when/if we get it going.

so that's it. i just walked the double stroller down to southpark mall, and obviously wore the wrong shoes as i'm looking at a pair of blistered up feet. i went down there because after talking about coffee with everyone this morning, i thought i'd give it a try (after having an incredibly weak stomach while being sick, there are still several things i cannot seem to eat). no dice. which is upsetting for a person such as myself. as weird as it is, i find a tiny portion of my identity in my love and consumption of coffee. not because i think it makes me cool or anything. but because it's cozy, it's sweaters and blankets and rainy days, and that's me. if i were a season i'd be autumn, with heavy blanket and a cup of coffee in my hand with a friend on the way over to talk. and now i've been exiled to the land of hot tea.

that's okay though. i'll survive. and maybe i'll even write one of those mental blogs during the time i save not being at starbucks.

getting over the hump

here's what is getting me through these last few days of isolation:


thinking about pretty get togethers during fall months.


this picture just makes me feel good.


hot tea is helping, since i still can't stomach coffee. yep, bad huh?


my sweet girl. has laid here with me for almost two weeks. won't get out of bed unless i do. little baby.


speaking of baby, i'm ready to see the twins:( i miss them so.

headed to the doctor tomorrow to see if i can be set free.

still here

okay, the last couple of days have been hard. let's not mince words. but hard in the relative sense. not long term hard, just right now hard.

we've been praying for two things specifically since saturday night.

1. that the rash would not spread to my face. if it gets near your eyes it can have permanent effects on your eyesight.

2. that i caught it early enough to prevent something called post herpetic neuralgia, meaning, if i had let this go unchecked and unmedicated, i could have this pain and burning in my right side permanently.

so far, both prayers are being answered. thank you if you have been praying, and if you haven't known what to pray for, now you do, so i will selfishly ask for more prayers to get through the next 10 or so days with the hope of bypassing either of those complications.

also, you may have surmised that i am definetly out of work until monday, september 21.

this is hard.

my mom has been here until today, and they will return this weekend. she has done everything for me. because a lot of the symptoms of this seem similar to mono (i've never had mono) from what i've heard: basically fatigue and flu like symptoms, with the weirdo nerve issues, which feel something like a mix between a horrible sun burn and being pricked by needles all over my right side (and itching). weird, huh?

the good thing is, i actually feel the best i've felt tonight!! light at the end of the tunnel.

i have made my way through several books and several thousand movies (or so it seems). currently watching Twister. i just can't help myself. I love that movie.

so there's my update. it feels lonely around here. and i have a while to go. but i have faith that there is purpose to this time. when i find out, maybe i'll fill you in.

love to you all, and if you have book or movie suggestions HIT ME WITH 'EM.

Formerly Secret Hogan Video

Trying this, it might not work because I've been posting from my phone today. Let's give it a shot. Here's how Jared and Maria announced Baby Hogan's impending arrival:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmjWtsRxFxw

Let me know if this worked:).

Babies and Shingles

It's Sunday, and I'm laying in bed with Beulah. How bad could life be?

This week has been something else.

Let's begin. I guess it was around Monday that I first started feeling funny, but I thought I had bruised my arm or maybe got a little sun that day, and didn't think much more about it. That night I went and got supplies for our Book Club Girls Night and did some baking.

The next day, I felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to my neck and back. Weird, but can be ignored. We had a great night together with our new 'club'.

Wednesday, only the greatest day of my life. We found out Jared and Maria will be welcoming their first babe in the Spring of 2010. This actually still doesn't seem real. Too good. Last year I remember thinking clearly about what I thought their little girl would look like, now I will have to do some brainstorming on what I think a boy could or would look like.

I was a tiny bit out of it the night they told me, but we went to Target and got 'Your Pregnancy Week By Week', (a classic). And obviously Auntie Beulah needed a lobster costume for Halloween, and for celebratory purposes for Baby Hogan.

Thursday, still high on the pregnancy news, I kept trying to ignore how crappy I was feeling, and I couldn't think about much else besides wanting my parents to know they were going to be grandparents. (they all found out on Friday).

Started asking around to see what this pain could be from. Some people said pinched nerve? Had I lifted something heavy? (almost 50 lbs of twins up and down three flights of stairs 16 times a day..), so it shouldn't just now be getting to me. I was confused, and felt really tired all day, but again, like a smart one, did my best to ignore, until Friday.

I woke up and noticed a mark on my right arm. First thought: spider bite. Second thought: I am being slowly paralyzed by spider venom.

Later that morning, I noticed a rash forming right above the 'bite', and sort of thought, 'Enough, what is going on?'. I called nanny Mom and said,

"I'm pretty sure I have been bitten by a spider, is there any way someone can come sit with the twins while they nap so I can go get it looked at?"

After talking with her, she told me about having a spiderbite in college, and it didn't sound anything like that. Also, after talking to Jessi, I felt the same way. Didn't sound like I had a bite from their description.

Decided to hold off on Urgent Care.

I had two dogs to dogsit that night, so I just put this whole thing on the back burner.

Then my whole right leg started hurting. So, let's recap, whole right side feels like it's burning from the inside, with stabbing pain in my neck, back, and arm. What?

This is all relative obviously, but I feel like I have a pretty high threshhold for pain. This had been a gradual build up, but by Friday night it was screwing with me.

This is getting way long, can you stick with me?

Saturday morning, my plan was to go in to the doctor before doggie daycare work. But, I was too scared. My thought process was, right side=neurological, neurological=scary cancer or something. Ignored.

Went and did a six hour shift at doggie work, and threw the freaking tennis ball with my right arm all day (I guess to prove that I was fine..to myself? The dogs, not sure, but stupid). At this point I was still saying, I thought I'd been bitten, but feared I had a tumor. There's a girl training to be an EMT that works with me and she said it was definetly a spider bite and it looked like the venom had traveled up my vein causing the rash. Great.

After calls and texts from friends and family telling me I HAD to go get it checked out, I finally went.

Within 30 seconds of the doctor seeing my arm she said, "you have shingles". To which I replied,

"huh?"

Hadn't I heard of old ladies having that at church growing up? As in, please pray for my homebound Aunt Beatrice who has 'the shingles'.

Confused, I asked questions and she told me that after you have chicken pox, the virus lies dormant in your spine, and can reappear as shingles (in about 20% of people who've had chicken pox). The chances of someone under 50 years of age is very rare.

To be honest, I was relieved. Yes, I was and am in some pain, I was just glad I didn't have a tumor or venom spreading through my body. I can deal with a shingle or two.

Here's the big issue: can't be around pregnant women. And I don't know how nanny Mom will want to handle this. She hasn't called me back yet. So it's possible I won't be able to work for two weeks, and it's definite that I won't be able to see Jared and Maria and Baby BB Pellet (his or her size right now) for TWO WEEKS.

So that's my week last week. And now I'm quarantined. But, it's okay. I'm not sick forever. Just for a little while. I'll do lots of reading, and pill taking (I have to take them every five hours, weird, huh?).

Okay, my sweet Mom is on her way to take care of me. Just one of the perks of living close to them.

Must go, didn't sleep much last night. Okay bye.