a few reasons the next two days might kill me.

phew. i feel like i can't catch my breath. i have been working two jobs for over six months now, and really my 'dog job' doesn't take up a lot of time, it's just that saturday is like my day, ya know? my make pancakes, eggs, and bacon, and sit on the couch with my cup of coffee for three hours day. or at least it feels like it should be.

but since i go into work at 2pm, it never feels relaxed. it just feels like i'm wasting my non-working time, if i'm not productive.

this week, in general, has been hectic. flat tire on wednesday which pushed all of my personal assistant errands from wednesday to today, along with my regular friday errands. which made my morning look like this:

• up later than i should have been this morning (kristin and i were up at 2am after hearing a series of about 6 gunshots, which then meant, kristin, beulah and i hunkered down in my bed for the rest of the night..not exactly quality sleep, and i'm pretty sure i'm getting sick and probably snored..sorry k).
• stumbled out the door.
• coffee
• babies up, dressed, fed, lunches made and packed, dropped at school.
• toys r us
• babies r us
• old navy
• costco
• subway
• harris teeter
• monogram shop
• pick kids up
• put them down for nap
• unpack the loaded car
• fold their laundry
• pack the car up for their overnight grandma stay

now, i'm sitting here: brain dead.

on days like today, i wish i didn't have a second job. i wish tomorrow was quiet and uneventful. but nope, tomorrow i'll work from 2-7 dog work, and then come straight to nanny house to watch the kids during the parents' work christmas party. so today doesn't feel like friday, it feels like..tuesday, or something.

i do want to say i feel very fortunate to have two jobs that enable me to pay bills and do life. i think maybe though for my own sanity, i should scale things back a bit.

for now, i will continue to sit and listen to bethany dillon's latest album that i bought this morning. it is oh so good. i just want someone to come and take care of me and pat my head, and maybe give me a cookie. is that too much to ask??

i thought so, oh well.

"You break through my deafness
Swing open the curtain
And I find the courage to get up and walk
I forget my weakness
For You’ve answered my loneliness
And through the mud on my eyes
I can see my Hope has come

You’ll have to show me where to go
It’s been so long since I’ve used my feet
I got up today a cripple
And now I’m dancing
So let the power of You move
Not stop with what I can see."

--bethany dillon

BUY IT.

quickie

oh hey everyone. you little dearhearts, you.

well, today we got to know our hogan baby a little more, and found out she's a sweet baby girl. it's weird, it made it real in a whole new way, and i am reeling from the love i already feel for that little peanut.

i only have about 10 minutes before nanny parents are supposed to get home. so this will be a quick one. it's been a big few days in my life. right now, i'm just tired and ready to rest this weekend. guys, i don't work for even one tiny second this weekend. that is the first time since april that i can say that. that is not a joke.

one of my closest friends, laura troutman, is home on furlough from slovakia. i saw her briefly yesterday but tomorrow she's coming up and we plan to do nothing and make people deliver food to us and veg in front of the tv.

also, one more cute little item:

how sweet are these? i got the blue one, and the green owl one is for KCamp. alright gotta run!

sickies and some holiday ditties

surprise! i get tomorrow off work. this is good news, but it means that today will be a long one. i'll be staying late to help nanny fam get on the road this evening. it's okay though, because it's all worth it so i can sleep in tomorrow and do some cooking (by some, i think i mean all day cooking).

for now, i'll be doing lotttttsss of this:

trying to make one laugh while the other sleeps off a fever, and then rotate:)

i believe this would be called 'skeptical'

got 'em!

and i believe that you probably need a thanksgiving cooking mix, just like i do, so here you are!

photos courtesy of honey and jam

[it's all christmas music..just a warning]

it's just about done.

right now, sara groves' new album is downloading on my computer. excited to listen to this as i catch you up on the last little stretch of life.

i worked about 17 hours yesterday, left work at midnight and was back at 7am, red-eyed with a red eye in my hand, oddly enough. thankfully, the babies have pre (pre pre) school today, and immediately after dropping them off i went and got a manicure and fell asleep while she was massaging my hands. i rationalized completely surrendering to it, and plopping my head on the arm rest directly in front of me. i didn't, but i should have.

then after that i may have surrendered to something different but equally recharging--shopping. got a few nice things for myself, and tried on those boots (jess, you know which ones i'm talking about), they're on a big sale right now. but THAT i could not rationalize:) shopping-yes, expensive boots kind of shopping-no. i'm no rockefeller.

also, i cut my hair the other day, that's all i am going to say. it's not good. but, i bought a cute hat yesterday, and have plenty of ponytail holders, so i'm set.

this next week is thanksgiving and i have mixed feelings about it. thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, but it's coming too quickly. i need time to prepare for the pleasures in life. you know? like the drive is almost always the best part of the trip (unless you have kids, i guess?). or like december 1-24 is so much better than december 25. i am actually just confused about where november went. the days probably just sunk right down into packing, cleaning, moving, nesting, working.

today, i go pick up rocco from al's house, and he will be staying with beulah and me this week. rocco is ally's dog, and beulah's best friend, so the two of them will definitely be keeping me busy. my mom is also coming up saturday night after dog work, which will be great. she hasn't seen the new place yet, and we'll take the dogs on a few walks and hopefully eat some good food, and she has never been to the uptown campus either, so i'll take her there as well.

then sunday night: quality time with my ladies while watching some vampires run around.

it will be a good weekend, i dare say.

i hope that this weekend before thanksgiving is restful for you all, and that your hearts are prepared for family and food, parades and pies, shopping and sleep.

i love you people, and i'm thankful i have the chance to.

[go buy sara groves' new album, you will not regret it. here's a taste]

back at it

a friend of mine was saying she writes mental blogs which makes me laugh for several reasons:

• aren't mental blogs, really just thinking?
• she hates blogs, but writes them anyway throughout her day..in her head.
• funny also, because she says that she will recite her mental blogs aloud to her husband at the end of the day, and that they're awesome.

i don't doubt the quality of these mental blogs for a second. the whole thing still makes me laugh. however funny that is to me, i definitely do it too. sometimes while i'm driving (the site of most of my mental blogs), i'll pull out my phone and put a title in the notes on my phone. days later i'll look at it and have no idea what i was thinking about. which is always frustrating because i obviously thought it was awesome enough to scurry around to find my phone and type out a subject. but when i actually have time, i've forgotten the little snippets that i could write a blog around.

i wonder how long it will be (for real) before we can just hit download somewhere and have our thoughts in written form. that sounds crazy and too invasive, but sometimes it'd be nice. the bad would outweigh the good though.

(bad parts: friends' bad haircuts, ugly babies, having a crush..i think at 25, i may be too old to use the term "crush"..not sure?).

here are some things swishing around in my head lately as i'm driving.

• online dating--i have very specific and strong feelings about this.
• songs that encapsulate certain experiences in my life.
• time at remuda, why i don't talk about it much to people i meet now, and how i still have not even BEGUN to process some of the things that happened there.
• how to live a life where i'm broken-hearted over the sin and pride in my heart, but not living in the dirt wallowing about it either.
• oh, also the potential business i'm brainstorming with my friend (the mental blogger). this could be something. but i'm not going to jinx it. i'll fill you in when/if we get it going.

so that's it. i just walked the double stroller down to southpark mall, and obviously wore the wrong shoes as i'm looking at a pair of blistered up feet. i went down there because after talking about coffee with everyone this morning, i thought i'd give it a try (after having an incredibly weak stomach while being sick, there are still several things i cannot seem to eat). no dice. which is upsetting for a person such as myself. as weird as it is, i find a tiny portion of my identity in my love and consumption of coffee. not because i think it makes me cool or anything. but because it's cozy, it's sweaters and blankets and rainy days, and that's me. if i were a season i'd be autumn, with heavy blanket and a cup of coffee in my hand with a friend on the way over to talk. and now i've been exiled to the land of hot tea.

that's okay though. i'll survive. and maybe i'll even write one of those mental blogs during the time i save not being at starbucks.

getting over the hump

here's what is getting me through these last few days of isolation:


thinking about pretty get togethers during fall months.


this picture just makes me feel good.


hot tea is helping, since i still can't stomach coffee. yep, bad huh?


my sweet girl. has laid here with me for almost two weeks. won't get out of bed unless i do. little baby.


speaking of baby, i'm ready to see the twins:( i miss them so.

headed to the doctor tomorrow to see if i can be set free.

rambler

i actually like mondays. i've had some time to build up a resevoir of patience, and it is fun to see the kids after being gone a few days, so mondays are usually full of twin kisses and new words they've learned over the weekend, it's the wednesdays and thursdays when we're all used to each other again, that things get a little hairy.

life these days is really good. my nights are filling up with time with great friends that i'm beginning to know well enough that i don't feel like my house has to be spotless for their visits, and i know that i can call them if i'm feeling upset or having a bad day. you know when your friendships cross over into that mode? from acquaintances to daily supporters? it's nice.

i'll tell you though, loneliness does still creep in. more so now that i'm living by myself. because when i drive up at night, it's just me. i've thought a lot about this, because when you get married, or are in a relationship, this doesn't magically change. you are still alone in your heart of hearts--alone in the way that you're accountable ultimately to the Lord for your thoughts and actions. so the struggle to find contentment in that quiet place where it's just you, is something we all share, right?

but on a more basic level, i can get a little sad, being on my own. i think i forget that God can be my biggest supporter, if i let him. many times, i keep him contained to being 'my help in trouble' or i seek him so that my motives are a little less selfish and little more serving, and i forget that he can be my encourager, my comfort, my cure for loneliness. my ultimate companion when i come home to an empty house again.

i am going to do my best to remember he can be that for me.

fantasy five year plan

i am currently sitting on the couch with the kids (i think they've graduated from 'babies', they're BIG). we're watching flo rida on the today show, because, you know, i like to keep them educated on all things hip hop. not really, but i am trying to keep them from hitting a wall, for there shall be no morning nap.

so here we sit.

this morning on the way in to work, i was thinking about what i want the next five years to look like. it's easy to live day to day, and not think about the long term. but i am really trying to get my finances together, and hope to take a class on finances this fall. but my lofty, five year goal, is to buy a house.

yesterday i was looking at farms for sale, and i had fun envisioning how i would change it, and make it amazing.

[time out for the actual biggest fit in history, deep breath, and continue].

so here's my latest find:

100 year old farmhouse, about 45 minutes north of charlotte. it's on a little over 5 acres.

look! it has a canning shed behind the house.

part of the pasture and there's a barn out there, too.

there are pictures from inside the house that i'll have to show you another time. but anyway, there's another house to dream about. you guys can pray for me in that area, that i will really get things in order and grow up when it comes to saving and being wise about finances. i am making a turn around. a big one. so maybe this won't always be a fantasy.

love you, and i hope you have a great weekend. for now, here's what i'm doing right now:

started out fine,

there it is

ooph.

ummmm

excuse me

they both joined in..

happppy friday!

i love these nuts.