teach me how to shine

i'm having a hard time articulating my thoughts lately.

life is a blur and i'm not sure where my tooth brush is, or where any of my shoes are either. i've been wearing stinky pumas for several days because i'm pretty sure all of my other ones are at the new apartment, which doesn't have water, heat, or a bed yet. maybe not the smartest idea to move all my clothes there already. oh well, that's okay.

i feel a little lost today.

this feeling of wandering has made me think about lost sheep, and how the shepherd leaves the ninety-nine other sheep to search for the one lost sheep who's off somewhere walking in circles, not even aware that it's lost.

i found this sermon by spurgeon this morning, here's an excerpt (a long one, it's worth it though)

"We close by noticing one more matter, which is—THE ONE SOURCE OF JOY. This man who had lost his sheep is filled with joy, but his sheep is the sole source of it. His sheep has so taken up all his thought, and so commanded all his faculties, that as he found all his care centred upon it, so he now finds all his joy flowing from it.

I invite you to notice the first mention of joy we get here: "When he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing." "That is a great load for you, shepherd!" Joyfully he answers, "I am glad to have it on my shoulders." The mother does not say when she has found her lost child, "This is a heavy load." No; she presses it to her bosom. She does not mind how heavy it is; it is a dear burden to her. She is rejoiced to bear it once again. "He layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing." Remember that text: "Who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame." A great sorrow was on Christ when our load was laid on him; but a greater joy flashed into his mind when he thought that we were thus recovered from our lost estate. He said to himself, "I have taken them up upon my shoulders, and none can hurt them now, neither can they wander to destruction. I am bearing their sin, and they shall never come into condemnation. The penalty of their guilt has been laid on me that it may never be laid on them. I am an effectual and efficient Substitute for them. I am bearing, that they may never bear, my Father's righteous ire." His love to them made it a joy to feel every lash of the scourge of justice; his love to them made it a delight that the nails should pierce his hands and feet, and that his heart should be broken with the absence of his Father, God. Even "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani," when the deeps of its woe have been sounded, will be found to have pearls of joy in its caverns. No shout of triumph can equal that cry of grief, because our Lord joyed to bear even the forsaking by his Father for the sin of his chosen whom he had loved from before the foundation of the world."

Charles Haddon Spurgeon

here's the link to the complete sermon

anyway, he doesn't really mention it in that excerpt, but when a lost sheep has been found, the shepherd will break one of its legs, so that it will not be able to wander off again. while the sheep's leg is mending, the shepherd carries the sheep on its shoulders.

supposedly in psalm 51:8, david refers to that shepherding ritual:

" Let me hear joy and gladness;

let the bones you have crushed rejoice."

i don't have a way to tie all this together with a pretty little bow, i'm just thinking on this, and loving that even when i am lost, there is someone looking for me, and a shepherd who is:

"the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation." Exodus 34:6-7

do you guys have any thoughts on this? i would really like to hear them if you do. anyway, gosh, i'm really thankful for the Lord's faithfulness not to leave the guilty (that'd be me) unpunished (despite many times sporting a broken leg), but still abounding in love and compassion. God, let the bones you've crushed in me rejoice.

and two songs for today: star star--swell season

in these arms--swell season

sirens and leases

lately it's even more difficult to get up in the morning and be at work by 7:15am than it has been. mostly because it is dark when i get up now, and pretty chilly, and for the last few days, rainy. i have gotten my 'routine' down to about 10 minutes, my alarm starts going off at 5:45am, and no joke i hit snooze until like 6:30am, even later if i'm not dropping beulah at doggie daycare/getting gas/going to starbucks. i haven't been late to work once yet, so my routine will stay as is:)

this morning though, as i was waiting at the stoplight to get onto i77, i heard a siren, it sounded pretty far off, but i didn't want to move until i saw where it was coming from, so i sat there (the first one in line waiting to turn left) looking around to see what direction it was coming from. i continued looking for a solid minute (during a green light) not wanting to cut in front of an emergency vehicle, but finally cautiously made the left turn, only to realize a few minutes later that the 'siren sound' is really just a new noise that my precious car is making. yep, that's right.

moving on, i signed the lease for my new place last night. i'm pretty excited about it--it's a different house than the one i told you about a few weeks ago, but this one is even better. technically, it's a duplex, but really it is the back section of a bigger house in front. got a great deal on it, and central avenue is a few blocks away, as is east 7th (complete with starbucks and other sweet restaurants). even though it's a duplex, it still has a backyard which was a really big thing i wanted in a new place. want to see some pictures?

so yeah, it's small and sweet. so i'm moving! for the month of november i'll be there by myself, but then in december, my friend kristin is moving in as well. looking forward to having someone living with me again. alright, the world is falling apart for the kids right now, must go.

sunday

just made some coffee, sitting on the couch with beulah, about to get ready for church. and i am content.

i was thinking about my dad. and how almost every day he sends me a message that says, "love you sweetie". i am blessed and so fortunate to have the parents that i do.

and what i do isn't especially meaningful, but i find so much joy in life (my life!). three years ago that was not the case, three years ago, i didn't know where God had gone, and 2 and a half years ago, i stumbled upon him in the desert.

as i sit here drinking my hot coffee on an overcast sunday, it's hard to believe that God saw the possibility in renewing my heart. so he did.

on the most simple of days it hits me, i am joyful in this life, in this body, and in the Lord i serve.

and that is a great feeling.

happy rainy day

between sheets(imogen heap)

all is love (karen o and the kids (where the wild things are soundtrack))

half life(imogen heap)

the winter(balmorhea)

evident utensil(chairlift)

milord(edith piaf)

remember(harry nilsson)

ooooooctober

about to hit you with a really lame bulleted list. i'm watching grey's anatomy so, i'm barely focusing, but haven't updated the ol' blog in forever. fall is here in charlotte, and things are happening.

• we're almost ready to *hopefully* sign a lease for a new place. i say 'we' because i've found two great gals who need a new place. location..perfection (for those of you familiar with charlotte, it's about two blocks away from the plaza, and directly behind the van landingham estate). it's a 4 bedroom, with a screened in porch (eeeeeee!), nice deck and almost 2 acre fenced in backyard (ahhhhh!!). it's on a quiet dead end street, and i love it and want to bake and have people over there all the time. if you'd be praying that all the kinks get worked out, and all the repairs get made in a timely manner, i would appreciate it! barring any complications, moving november 1st, baby.
• i bought a domain name for the business venture i mentioned, and maybe after this weekend's brainstorming/planning session, i'll give you some details, but i'm a little shy about it right now because it's early.
• my friend raechel introduced me to amelie's bakery this week, and i love LOVE it. it's open 24 hours a day (not that it really matters to me, i go to bed earlier than most grannies), but for those night owls out there, it's a great place to go get a salted caramel brownie at 2am, if you've got a hankering.
• baby hogan. maria has the first trimester pukes..jared and i made a late night trip to get some antinausea medicine and peppermint tea and gum. but really, does anything help with those dry heaves? let's be real..nothing really does, right? i love maria, and she's a champ. round of applause for all first trimester moms.
• tonight i get to hang out with some of my favorite people, the hubatkas, and my brother and sister. then having a slumber party with ally, rocco and beulah. fun times.
• also, when did grey's anatomy get SO good again?

happy first weekend in october, everyone!

this is like..

a string around my finger to remind me to write a blog tomorrow. so much is happening. can't wait to catch you up.


and hey from Beulah girl. just 'cus (cuz?) oh whatever.