i wrote a while back about how it made me feel to listen to joni mitchell's blue album after not listening to it for a few years, and my experience this morning is similar. listening to these songs again, i feel what it felt like to be 15, 16, 17. remember how when you're young you drive around just to listen to music? there'd be a new mix for almost any car ride. i knew the music backwards and forwards, inside and out, so much so, that hearing it now makes me emotional for every moment that was spent with this playing in the background.
this morning, i'm feeling it. it's a hard day at work. and listening to david gray is making me think.
the kids are out of sorts, and we're not back in the groove yet after our holiday break. i know that loneliness is a struggle for everyone, married or single, parents or the childless, this i know. it's easy to blame our discontent on whatever stage of life we are in. but that's not really what is to blame. my loneliness right now is more about not seeking the Lord with the intensity that i should, than it is about not having a man in my life. maybe your loneliness is about not serving and loving your spouse the way you should, or maybe your kids are teenagers now and life feels different, and they don't need you as much. whatever. people and loved ones can only do so much for our hearts.
easy to forget that though.
i don't often write about what i'm reading in the Bible, because truthfully, what God is teaching me is never quite as relevant and exciting to others as it is to me, but this morning during my 'lay around time' [[raechel's lay around time definition: get up, start coffee, get a book, Bible, blanket and just survive until the coffee is ready, and drink the entire pot. been doing this for two days now instead of rolling out of bed and walking to my car. so far so good. just have to wake up at 5am to do it..]] i was reading in 1 corinthians and was so encouraged by the words i read. i swear they were a little too poignant.
"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life." 1 corinthians 7:17
WHAT. woosh, okay, let's keep going.
"All of you, slave and free both, were once held hostage in a sinful society. Then a huge sum was paid out for your ransom. So please don't, out of old habit, slip back into being or doing what everyone else tells you. Friends, stay where you were called to be. God is there. Hold the high ground with him at your side." 1 corinthians 7:23-24
isn't it STILL (as a 25 year old), so easy to believe the lie that if we compromise on a few things, that life would be easier, and better things would come our way? hold the high ground, friends, God is there.
"I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions." 1 corinthians 7:32-34
this time is golden. that is something i will have to repeat to myself many times. probably a few times a day. something pastor steven said months and months ago, has stuck with me in an every day way. without remembering the exact context, he said a simple way to help in decision making is to ask, "is it best?". hold it up next to scripture, filter it through the words of Jesus. is it best?
what do i desire in my heart for my life to look like right now, and is that actually best for today? i have this golden time to become holy and whole before the Lord.
I pray that i will not waste another minute hoping to be somewhere else, or wishing for a different story. You are my story, Lord. Give me courage to hold the high ground.