distracted

i am writing because i would like to be distracted from my duties for this evening. which include kitchen and bathroom cleaning.

the worst.

i remember not being able to go out as a teenager until i cleaned my room up, so i would really try to get motivated to clean, but would always get distracted by things i found along the way. old notes passed during classes, or movie ticket stubs or whatever it happened to be. oh gosh, old diaries were the best. usually mortifying, always entertaining.

anyway.

this week has been strange. no way around it. last friday, beulah got into some baking chocolate while i was out, and it was very hard to tell how much she'd eaten, but a couple of ounces can be lethal for her weight range. she ended up throwing some up, and is totally fine now, but sheesh, i thought i was gonna lose my buddy for about 12 hours. and it was awful.

hmmm, work is lovely. mainly because of the ladies i work with. we make coffee together every morning, and really just enjoy each other. my job makes me thankful.

i feel a little like 2010 is slipping through my fingers. things are going to speed up now, and before you know it, it'll be new years. and 2011, etc.

i should change the music and get motivated to finish cleaning.

maybe in a few years i'll stumble on this blog and get distracted, trying to remember 2010.

autumnal pleasantries

as you all know, i love fall.

as evidenced, here, here, here, and here.

i live like it's fall all year long, so when it actually does come to this part of the year, i can breathe a sigh of relief, and wear my tights and boots in peace. i can finally get back outside with beulah and romp around without wanting to die from the heat.

so, i'm baking and thumbing through pages and pages of new fall catalogs. content to think about cooler weather and holiday parties.

and sweet little owl mugs filled with chai tea.

happy almost fall, friends.

see you at the corn maze:)

limitless

do you ever lose your voice? that's how i have felt these last few weeks. not sure what to say, or if there's anything to say at all. i sit, and plan to write to you, but i don't know how to let you in, because i have felt on the outside myself.

right now, i feel tired of filling up my calendar, and trying to find somewhere new to live, and tired of wondering when big things will start happening for me. i get so mad at myself when i hope, it feels like someone teetering on the edge of a rooftop. useless, unless you are trying to get hurt.

hope has felt dangerous.

i am not unhappy, and i wouldn't even say that i am lacking in joy. i would say that i fear.

there are limitless roads i could walk down from here.

in my life.

what is not scary about that?

my entire life, i have prayed.

prayed prayed

prayed.

that Jesus would wait to come back until i could become

a wife

and a mom.

and here i am, trying to find something i can do.

not to just to fill the time,

but to start building my own life.

by myself.

i just did not expect this.

though

sometimes,

being alone almost feels like the least frightening option.

tonight i came home mad. and i walked around my house, and talked to this God that loves me, and i asked Him what in the world He is thinking. i do so want to hope, and to believe that He is good (through and through). but my understanding of goodness is so human.

so i doubt.

i wish i could erase it, but that doubt lingers until i'm too scared to hope for anything better than ordinary.

but tomorrow is new.

and i have hope that it will be extraordinary.

internet isolation

typing this on my phone. i've had no internet for about 2-3 weeks. turns out, life goes on without wifi connection. even so, i will be back soon (i hope) with lots of new stories to tell.

love love.