to my friend

(this, my friend, i'm sorry to say, is the only picture of the two of us on my computer taken on the morning after your slumber party last year)

dear jessi,

remember when i lived with you? in that yellow house? oh yeah, me too.

there are a lot of things i could write about you as a friend. people see the wisdom that is evident in your actions, and the love that is freely given to those around you (both far and near). that's easy to see. people admire the confidence with which you and nick walk this road you're walking, not because you have it all figured out, but because you don't.

i love all those things about you, yes. but here's what i want to talk about on your birthday. my favorite non-important, non-life-altering moments from living with you.

• how much you wanted to be in/plan faythe and jimmy's wedding
• you holding my cell phone ransom
• ice cream nights
• fights about LOST
• taking the girls to see baby mama, and you being so excited to drive. by yourself.
• your to-do list for me while y'all were in the carolinas.
• when we first started spinning class.
• any time we cooked something (your bday cake last year, thanksgiving, etc.)
• your interpretation of the 'so you think you can dance' dance from last season. and yes, it is still on my computer.
• anytime we'd have to be a team and go regulate with one of the girls (too soon? still too raw?)
• remember when i had to go to a certain girl's baby shower by myself. have we ever talked about how awful that one really was?
• you leaving a pregnancy test on my night stand while my parents were visiting.
• anytime one of those freaking cats would get in the house, and you would run around trying to corrall them.
• you puking on middle school volunteers (not on, i guess)
• ANY interview we did with potential girls (britney, me and faythe walking in in our pajamas)
• the morning after your birthday slumber party last year, playing trivial pursuit in the dungeon with you, nick, thadd and marilee. and the babies of course.
• lunch times with the connollys (amy's meals)
• trying to sneak in the musick's garage to get some diet coke
• bomb threat at h&m
• absolutely any time we talked about pregnancy questions during the weekly meetings.

part of me feels like i'm forgetting a lot of funny moments from the year, and the other part thinks maybe there weren't a whole ton of hilarious moments. BUT, i would not have lasted through it without you.

i hope you have a wonderful day today, I LOVVVVVEEEE YOU.

Favorite Women

I want to talk about a couple of things before the madness begins tomorrow.

NieNie.

It's been a year since I first heard/read about Stephanie Nielsen's plane crash, and I have been challenged and broken-hearted by her courage (her entire family's, truly). Tonight, after I realized I had forgotten to eat dinner, I sat down with my bowl of cereal and thought I'd check in and see if Nie had posted anything new on her blog. Here's the thing, Stephanie was burned over 80% of her body. Not only is that an incredibly difficult recovery from medical standpoint, but from an emotional one as well. Up until now she had not posted a picture of her new self (a new outside at least) on her blog.

When her page came up tonight, I gasped. Not because what I saw was shocking, but because what I saw was this woman I'd come to know over the last year. New. Changed. Alive. And achingly beautiful in tranperancy and bravery.

It may seem silly to say, but after praying for her over this year, I consider her my friend, and seeing her face tonight really blessed my heart (there's a button on my right sidebar to her blog).

I also need to talk about Jessi. In forty five minutes (east coast time) it will be her birthday. I thought a lot today about what I could or would want to say about my friend. But I am going to wait until tomorrow to write her a proper post. Because I've erased and rewritten like six things.

For now though, Happy Birthday Jessi!!!

Bedtime

Tonight I watched the first part of Ken Burns' Civil War documentary. I can't think of many things I'm more moved by than stories of people's every day lives. I felt much the same after watching any of Ken Burns' work. Hungry, like I just want to learn more. What a gift to be able to give an audience. Passion.

The first part ended with a letter written by Sullivan Ballou to his wife. To be honest, I was up and around doing stuff in my house and wasn't paying enough attention to appreciate it fully, but as I read an article just now on this documentary it kept mentioning this letter and how amazing it was. So I found it, here it is:

July 14, 1861

Dearest Sarah,

The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days - perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.

Our movement may be one of a few days duration and full of pleasure - and it may be one of severe conflict and death to me. Not my will, but thine 0 God, be done. If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for my country, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing - perfectly willing - to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt.

But, my dear wife, when I know that with my own joys I lay down nearly all of yours, and replace them in this life with cares and sorrows - when, after having eaten for long years the bitter fruit of orphanage myself, I must offer it as their only sustenance to my dear little children - is it weak or dishonorable, while the banner of my purpose floats calmly and proudly in the breeze, that my unbounded love for you, my darling wife and children, should struggle in fierce, though useless, contest with my love of country?

I cannot describe to you my feelings on this calm summer night, when two thousand men are sleeping around me, many of them enjoying the last, perhaps, before that of death -- and I, suspicious that Death is creeping behind me with his fatal dart, am communing with God, my country, and thee.

I have sought most closely and diligently, and often in my breast, for a wrong motive in thus hazarding the happiness of those I loved and I could not find one. A pure love of my country and of the principles have often advocated before the people and "the name of honor that I love more than I fear death" have called upon me, and I have obeyed.

Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield.

The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me - perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar -- that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name.

Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have oftentimes been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover near you, while you buffet the storms with your precious little freight, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.

But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the garish day and in the darkest night -- amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours - always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.

Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again.

As for my little boys, they will grow as I have done, and never know a father's love and care. Little Willie is too young to remember me long, and my blue eyed Edgar will keep my frolics with him among the dimmest memories of his childhood. Sarah, I have unlimited confidence in your maternal care and your development of their characters. Tell my two mothers his and hers I call God's blessing upon them. O Sarah, I wait for you there! Come to me, and lead thither my children.

Sullivan

fantasy five year plan

i am currently sitting on the couch with the kids (i think they've graduated from 'babies', they're BIG). we're watching flo rida on the today show, because, you know, i like to keep them educated on all things hip hop. not really, but i am trying to keep them from hitting a wall, for there shall be no morning nap.

so here we sit.

this morning on the way in to work, i was thinking about what i want the next five years to look like. it's easy to live day to day, and not think about the long term. but i am really trying to get my finances together, and hope to take a class on finances this fall. but my lofty, five year goal, is to buy a house.

yesterday i was looking at farms for sale, and i had fun envisioning how i would change it, and make it amazing.

[time out for the actual biggest fit in history, deep breath, and continue].

so here's my latest find:

100 year old farmhouse, about 45 minutes north of charlotte. it's on a little over 5 acres.

look! it has a canning shed behind the house.

part of the pasture and there's a barn out there, too.

there are pictures from inside the house that i'll have to show you another time. but anyway, there's another house to dream about. you guys can pray for me in that area, that i will really get things in order and grow up when it comes to saving and being wise about finances. i am making a turn around. a big one. so maybe this won't always be a fantasy.

love you, and i hope you have a great weekend. for now, here's what i'm doing right now:

started out fine,

there it is

ooph.

ummmm

excuse me

they both joined in..

happppy friday!

i love these nuts.

singleton

my parents came up for a short visit this weekend.

when i was talking with ally the next day, i was telling her that my mom had been asking if there were "any men in my life". we laughed, and she said, "oh it'll get better, just wait until they offer to pay for eharmony".

i will admit, turning 25 has put the fear of God in me a little. BUT, let's not get ahead of ourselves, i'm not an old maid.

maybe i have a portion of bridget jones in me, but not an old maid.

i'm content with my quiet little life.

but those that know me well, can always be on the lookout (awink).

what are your staples?

when cooking for one, you have to be creative. keep it small, low maintenance, quick. unless it's the weekend, and then you can go nuts.

usually when i find a breakfast or lunch that works, i stick with it until i am sick of it. i guess that's sort of the same for everyone. dinners are more inconsistent. there is a higher chance of eating out, and many times i will just scavenge something at the house, or worse, stop and pay for take-out (rarely).

so, let's help each other. if you're single, what are your tricks for keeping meals small? and everyone else, what are the things you eat every day at your house?

for me right now, pretty much every morning, i have a whole wheat english muffin (double fiber), split, with a fried egg on top of each slice. it's heaven. with some french press coffee. eaten in between having food thrown at me from two high chairs.

lunch lately has been a lot of dr. praeger's california veggie burgers (also thrown on an english muffin, or just plain with a salad). and then scraps from the kids food:)

snacks have been animal crackers and milk (ehhh?).

oh man, my dinners lately have been LACKing. but last night was good. just some tomato, fresh mozz, pita chip, basil/balsamic action. wine. and some sea salt brownies for dessert. that, to me, is perfection.

other things that i'm never without:

• luna bars/fiber one bars for a quick breakfast
• vanilla soy milk
• hummus
• avocado
• great harvest bread (for a grilled cheese or pb&j)
• yogurt
• bisquick (breakfast for dinner..duh)

so tell me. what is always on your grocery list?

no direction

i'm starting this post with no clear direction, or anything specific to share with you. jared recently informed me that blogs are 'out'. since then, i've had a hard time thinking of things to write about. it made me self-conscious.

it's just another tuesday around here, and i just ate one handful too many of animal crackers. why are those things so good? all lemony and awesome. dipped in milk, even better.

this week has been full of transition, my favorite roommate/person moved out on saturday. i knew it was coming, but geeze, living on my own hit me like a ton of bricks. when you have good roommates it's a really nice thing. so the last few days have consisted of a lot of rummaging, trying to find things to fill up the house. i was able to make it liveable, and dare i say, kind of cute with found items around the house.

my first visitor, and new friend, laci, is coming over tonight to watch tv, and hang out. so that's good.

the kids are napping right now, and the very last scene of the sopranos is on a&e right now. gosh, so frustrating. i was just like everyone else when that first aired, i totally thought my dvr had messed up and cut off the ending. but no, that was it.

what else?

not sure how august got here? though, in some ways it is really hard to believe i've only been in charlotte 4 months. 4 more months and it's the holidays. i had that realization today, which sent me searching for christmas cabins.

also, i have sent out emails and talked to anyone who would possibly read this blog about needing roommates. unless you're a lurker, in which case, i need a roommate. if you know of anyone in charlotte who needs a place until the end of december, please let me know! and if you know of someone really cool, then i'll definitely be needing someone to live with more long term than that. the rental i'm in now will just be through december though. so if you know of anyone, leave me a comment.

update on my farmers market project: i have not forgotten. i took this week off, because i didn't make a meal plan, and didn't want to just get helter-skelter produce. but, i'll be updating with pictures after this weekend.

on a similar subject, has anyone seen 'food, inc.' yet?

i figured this is one i'll have to go see by myself. looks really good though, huh?

annnnnyway, i think that is a pretty good wrap up of life right now.

love love love.