no direction

i'm starting this post with no clear direction, or anything specific to share with you. jared recently informed me that blogs are 'out'. since then, i've had a hard time thinking of things to write about. it made me self-conscious.

it's just another tuesday around here, and i just ate one handful too many of animal crackers. why are those things so good? all lemony and awesome. dipped in milk, even better.

this week has been full of transition, my favorite roommate/person moved out on saturday. i knew it was coming, but geeze, living on my own hit me like a ton of bricks. when you have good roommates it's a really nice thing. so the last few days have consisted of a lot of rummaging, trying to find things to fill up the house. i was able to make it liveable, and dare i say, kind of cute with found items around the house.

my first visitor, and new friend, laci, is coming over tonight to watch tv, and hang out. so that's good.

the kids are napping right now, and the very last scene of the sopranos is on a&e right now. gosh, so frustrating. i was just like everyone else when that first aired, i totally thought my dvr had messed up and cut off the ending. but no, that was it.

what else?

not sure how august got here? though, in some ways it is really hard to believe i've only been in charlotte 4 months. 4 more months and it's the holidays. i had that realization today, which sent me searching for christmas cabins.

also, i have sent out emails and talked to anyone who would possibly read this blog about needing roommates. unless you're a lurker, in which case, i need a roommate. if you know of anyone in charlotte who needs a place until the end of december, please let me know! and if you know of someone really cool, then i'll definitely be needing someone to live with more long term than that. the rental i'm in now will just be through december though. so if you know of anyone, leave me a comment.

update on my farmers market project: i have not forgotten. i took this week off, because i didn't make a meal plan, and didn't want to just get helter-skelter produce. but, i'll be updating with pictures after this weekend.

on a similar subject, has anyone seen 'food, inc.' yet?

i figured this is one i'll have to go see by myself. looks really good though, huh?

annnnnyway, i think that is a pretty good wrap up of life right now.

love love love.

not so great expectations

this past weekend, i watched a movie called 'last chance harvey'.  i had wanted to see it for a while, 

and towards the end of the movie, emma thompson says,

"I think it's actually easier for me to be disappointed. 

I think I'm actually angry at you for trying to take that away."

as soon as she said it, i realized how true that is for me, as well. probably in multiple areas 

of my life, but definitely in the area of relationships. i set myself up for disappointment, i 

expect it, and when i am disappointed, i feel entitled to feel sorry for myself, and tell myself 

that this is just my lot in life. but, if God forbid, someone does meet my needs, i want to hide, 

because i know the longer it lasts, the harder it will be when they do disappoint me.

yesterday in church we talked about risks versus security, and how we long for increased 

security and reduced risk. but how God encourages us to reduce our security and increase the 

risk in our lives, which will cause increased faith in Him.

as easy as it is for me to feel 'let down' by the state of my singleness at 25 (being real here, 

people), i'm just not sure what good my disappointment is going to do me anymore?

i have been challenged to expect more, risk more, and as a result, love more. and when 

someone does come along to steal my disappointment, hopefully i'll be ready to let

it go.

good morning brokenness

i got lost yesterday on the way to church.  i have spent a lot of time this week writing down directions to various places, and even more time getting lost while trying to follow them.  in a last minute desperate move, i called my dad so that he could consult his iphone and tell me just how far off track i was.  when he said that i was 28 miles from my destination, i lost it.   but not in a good way, i was angry.  i crumpled up my written down directions and threw them in the floorboard.  

while driving back towards my house, i had a surge of endurance and decided i was going to go, just to the later service.  

i finally arrived at church, with starbucks in hand, trying to ignore the emotion that was rising up in my throat.  jared and maria had been to two services already, so my plan was just to sneak in the back and sit by myself, unnoticed.  

i walked to the back of the aisle, and the volunteer asked how many people would be sitting with me, and i just said, 'one'.  before i really knew what was happening, i was sitting smack in the front row.  as i sat there, many things hit me at once.  the insane upheaval of my life in the last month:  driving, couch crashing, new job, new roommates, new city.  and i realized it had been over a month since i had been in church.  it felt like i had been in a drought, and suddenly, i was on the front row, about to worship Jesus.  

and i was a puddle of goo. 

i cried like i haven't in a long time, just steady tears.  all of the misplaced anger from the morning all directed into absolute fatigue and submission before the Lord.    

good easter.

a mess.

i feel like a wreck right now.  let me paint the picture.  

i am currently slumped on my parent's couch, wearing crocs (which almost automatically puts me in a bad mood), old camp crestridge sweatpants with no drawstring, that i have conveniently gathered to one side with a hair tie.  and for a fashionable finish, i have on yesterday's shirt underneath a big, frumpy hoody.  

BUT, i do have a quad grande americano to my right, and a puppy to my left.  they seem to be counteracting my feelings of filthiness.  i am listening to hillsong, and about to take a shower.  so we're going to turn it around.  

also, please know that i did go into starbucks looking like this.  and i'd stopped off at the park to throw the ball to beu for a second, and i sat down in the grass without thinking, so not only am i looking homeless, but i am looking like an incontinent homeless person.  

okay, one more thing.  as i was pulling up at the park, i saw that someone had put a super cute tv stand out by the street.  i made a mental note to grab that on my way to starbucks.  in the 10 minutes we were at the park, that thing got TAKEN.  and this was not a busy street, this is like lower richland at 10am on a monday.  some people, i tell ya, taking the things i wanted to steal.  

*post edit--i kind of forgot to say that i am moving today.  see you in charlotte.  

i am still here

quick update:

my dad, beulah, and i arrived home to columbia safely on sunday night.  after a quick stop by the park, we headed to my parent's house.  jared was in town to shoot a wedding, so after some convincing, beulah and i hopped back in the car for another three hours, and made our way down to savannah.  

i have been down here for a few days.  it has been both a great week, and a hard week.  

i still have not found a job, and had a little bit of a breakdown last night.  just feeling like i am at everyone's mercy, and like people are doing me all of these favors and i hate it. 

but!  it will get better.  and i think taking a shower in a couple of seconds is really going to make this day seem a lot brighter.  

if you think of it, i could really use your prayers.  i really need a job.  thanks guys, will check in again soon!

Travel update

Okay right now, I am not in the best emotional state as I am going on night two of snorathon 2009. This snoring defies any description. ironically, i never got ear plugs today so I wouldn't embarass my Pop, and now i am ridiculing him all over the internet. How big of a douche am i? It is just that he is trying so hard. He even got some crazy anti-snore mouth spray before he came out here. Bless his heart, I hope he didn't pay much for it.

Anyway, our trip is going great so far. Probably won't update this much the rest of the week, but I am tweeting quite often.

Until next time, your bleary-eyed friend in Montana,

Lauren

currently

i have decided that i cannot use the delayed posting feature on blogger.  i end up thinking about it a few minutes before it's supposed to be published, and i cancel it.  not sure why?  i just always convince myself that it was stupid.

i packed up my first couple of boxes tonight.  and i finally plugged in my little ipod shuffle so it can charge, and so i can start making a killer road trip playlist.  though, i'm sure my dad will have his 'nanopod' as well, and we will be competing for air time, but that's okay because we have 42 hours of road to fill.  i am so looking forward to picking him up at the airport, and really looking forward to setting out across the country with my pop.  i know it is something we will always remember.  

a nice shot of wyoming 

after talking with kalle last night about their road trip out here last year, i got the crazy idea that we should buy a tent and camp out along our route about half of the time (and do hotels the other half).  i ran this idea by my dad and he just started laughing.  i'm not sure if he was laughing at the thought of me camping, or if he was laughing at the thought of him camping.  

growing up, we were not a camping type of family.  my parents just aren't into it.  i was telling jared today that dad might bring along a travel iron and ironing board and attempt to starch his shirts while we're camped out along the south dakota highway.  

also i am not pretending that i would be especially adept at the whole camping thing, but i'd like to try.  but after my dad stopped laughing when i suggested it, he said,

"um, let me think on that one for a day or two."  

  

today has been one of the nicest days i have had in a long time.  woke up early to a snuggle puppy, and then headed out to breakfast at portage bay cafe near UW.  kalle and i had been comparing notes for months on their menu, and how amazing their food is, so we finally met up there, and got to talk over coffee, omelets, and pancakes.  really sweet time.

vegan pancakes, topped with good things

came home and saw that sweet jess had planned a get together with some friends before i head out.  felt really loved.  

went outside in the sunshine and warm air, and played fetch with beulah, while texting back and forth with my brother while he was in class.  we talked about all the things we will get to do together in a few weeks, and laughed at the thought of dad and i sleeping in a tent.

forsythe park, savannah georgia

then i went upstairs and watched dvr'ed highlights of the bachelor from last night, as i had only seen the last 30 minutes of the after the final rose special.  the bachelor was maddening, but time on the bed with glory and jess was really nice.  then jess curled my hair using the flat iron.  i didn't know if it would work, but she made it work!  so now if i practice, maybe i can get it down.  

after that a really mellow afternoon, and then our newest girl, who is from mexico, and only speaks spanish, cooked an amazing dinner for us.  really and truly did this body some good.  

pretty much as of today, i am really not doing any new beginnings stuff.  really just focusing on moving, and it feels strange already.  like they're in the other room doing Bible study, and i feel like i'm playing hooky.  

i don't know, several people have asked me questions about how i am feeling about moving, or how prepared i am for certain aspects of it, and for the most part, i am totally unprepared.  and today, i just had to become okay with that.  i am getting there, and hopefully tomorrow another piece will be put in place, and then another one after that.  

i think i prepare as much as i can, and look for a job as earnestly as i can, but still be willing to step out even if it seems impossible.  really not sure at all what life will look like a month from now.  weird, huh?

magnitude

in many ways i avoid controversy.  i duck in the shadows when politics becomes the topic of conversation.  i think this has to stem from being so sure of what i believed and where i stood on 'issues' as a kid, as a result of my parents' strong opinions.  i would argue that every issue was black and white (i actually said that), never gray.  and i felt that every question had a logical answer.  

i guess that is part of growing up, getting some perspective on your own set of beliefs, and understanding how small your view of the world is.  

all of this said, no matter who you voted for, or what presidents you have supported or despised in your lifetime, 

today matters.  

"with malice towards none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation's wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations."

abraham lincoln

inaugural address, 1865