rambler

i actually like mondays. i've had some time to build up a resevoir of patience, and it is fun to see the kids after being gone a few days, so mondays are usually full of twin kisses and new words they've learned over the weekend, it's the wednesdays and thursdays when we're all used to each other again, that things get a little hairy.

life these days is really good. my nights are filling up with time with great friends that i'm beginning to know well enough that i don't feel like my house has to be spotless for their visits, and i know that i can call them if i'm feeling upset or having a bad day. you know when your friendships cross over into that mode? from acquaintances to daily supporters? it's nice.

i'll tell you though, loneliness does still creep in. more so now that i'm living by myself. because when i drive up at night, it's just me. i've thought a lot about this, because when you get married, or are in a relationship, this doesn't magically change. you are still alone in your heart of hearts--alone in the way that you're accountable ultimately to the Lord for your thoughts and actions. so the struggle to find contentment in that quiet place where it's just you, is something we all share, right?

but on a more basic level, i can get a little sad, being on my own. i think i forget that God can be my biggest supporter, if i let him. many times, i keep him contained to being 'my help in trouble' or i seek him so that my motives are a little less selfish and little more serving, and i forget that he can be my encourager, my comfort, my cure for loneliness. my ultimate companion when i come home to an empty house again.

i am going to do my best to remember he can be that for me.