Sunday, July 20, 2008

can't make you feel it

many times i blog as an attempt to get you to feel whatever it is that i'm feeling.  

as some of you know, i struggled with an eating disorder for about 5 years.  last year, during my stay at remuda there were a limited number of cds for us to listen to, and 'add to the beauty' by sara groves was the one that i always chose to listen to.  i bought it on iTunes last fall, several months after returning home, and to hear each song was like shedding all the layers of healing and being right back in that vulnerable and broken state.  

it's odd how i see that time as so sweet.  sweet is not the right word, rich.  it was rich.  and meaningful.  a time to wrestle with the Lord, and lose.  my thoughts about remuda and the women and staff that changed my life there are on my mind most of the time.

gosh.  i just think about who i was when i went there.  i was so mad.  i wanted nothing to do with God.  i thought that i could outrun Him.  

the scripture from Genesis 32 seemed to follow me every where:

"So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak." 
      But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

 27 The man asked him, "What is your name?" 
      "Jacob," he answered.

 28 Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, [e] because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."

my roommates during my stay complained of me talking in my sleep during the night.  after several nights they began realizing that i was praying in my sleep.  evidently pleading with the Lord not to let me go.  

so, tonight when i transferred a few iTunes purchases over to my new computer i got to listen to the sara groves cd for the first time in a while.  i wanted to share it with you.  it's nothing crazy ground breaking, but it's meaningful in my life.  [hopefully it will work, it may not allow you to listen to it since it's an iTunes purchase..let me know].

Sara Groves--Add to the Beauty

1 comment:

Vibrant Violet said...

it transfers art and all...but my computer has to be authorized to play it.

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