good morning brokenness

i got lost yesterday on the way to church.  i have spent a lot of time this week writing down directions to various places, and even more time getting lost while trying to follow them.  in a last minute desperate move, i called my dad so that he could consult his iphone and tell me just how far off track i was.  when he said that i was 28 miles from my destination, i lost it.   but not in a good way, i was angry.  i crumpled up my written down directions and threw them in the floorboard.  

while driving back towards my house, i had a surge of endurance and decided i was going to go, just to the later service.  

i finally arrived at church, with starbucks in hand, trying to ignore the emotion that was rising up in my throat.  jared and maria had been to two services already, so my plan was just to sneak in the back and sit by myself, unnoticed.  

i walked to the back of the aisle, and the volunteer asked how many people would be sitting with me, and i just said, 'one'.  before i really knew what was happening, i was sitting smack in the front row.  as i sat there, many things hit me at once.  the insane upheaval of my life in the last month:  driving, couch crashing, new job, new roommates, new city.  and i realized it had been over a month since i had been in church.  it felt like i had been in a drought, and suddenly, i was on the front row, about to worship Jesus.  

and i was a puddle of goo. 

i cried like i haven't in a long time, just steady tears.  all of the misplaced anger from the morning all directed into absolute fatigue and submission before the Lord.    

good easter.