deck the halls

monday again. jared is at the airport right now about to leave for africa, and maria is in florida visiting her fam while jared's away. i don't love the feeling of them not being here. they are an underlying layer of comfort in my life. here's what i keep telling myself about the trip to africa for jared, if he survived a road trip to new mexico with sam and josh and our josh, he will be juuuust fine on a trip with elevation. but i covet your prayers for them as they go.

the apartment is slowly coming along. i've been working a LOT, and will continue to, and the time i have to nest is in very small increments. i did manage to get my chalkboard wall done quickly on friday night/saturday morning. it's super fun.

let's talk about this for a second. last week i messaged jess during the day, but got nick instead. caught up with him quickly, and somehow the subject of victorian christmas came up. let's rewind to this time last year, shall we?

me, nick, jessi, and babes were all still living at new beginnings home in puyallup. every year the founders of the ministry had a booth at the local victorian christmas festival, where they had a raffle for a handmade quilt. all of the staff (ehh, like 5 of us?) were supposed to split of the time at the booth and work shifts. oh i'm sorry, did i forget to mention that we were required to wear full 'victorian dress'? and by 'victorian dress', i do of course mean, weirdo lacy dresses with bustles, and nick wore a coat with tails and a top hat. lest we forget, jess was about 20 weeks pregnant at this point. we looked a little more like the cast of dr. quinn medicine woman (on a bad day) than we did anything having to do with the victorian era.

i worked two shifts, but the most hilarious one was undoubtedly the shift i worked with nick, where we just sort of scowled at each other the entire night. i'm laughing right now thinking about it. the thought of the two of us being in charge of selling a mennonite quilt is just about the best thing i've ever heard of.

seriously, you should really explore those links above. and here's a taste of some victorian christmas show goodness:

[to be totally fair, we raised money that allowed each of us to be able to have some christmas money last year, so it was worth it, but this is not something any of us talks about very often, as it was not our finest hour].

alright, so that's my gift to you today, a secret that none of us really wanted to get out. and now it is yours for the ridiculing.

best part of my year

as i drove up to starbucks this morning, i started thinking about my trip across the country with my dad. i think about it a lot, actually. to say that i loved that trip would be an understatement. it was perfect. i realized today, that besides a few quick pictures, i never really told you about any of our tales from the road.

i need to get out the binder that i made (with directions, phone numbers for hotels, starbucks at each stop, and dog parks near our hotels, etc.) and look at our route and all of the receipts and stuff that were collected along the way. that would probably bring back a flood of other memories. for now though, we'll just go with what i've got stored in the ol' mind grapes.

i picked up my dad from the airport the night before we would head out. i was not particularly 'excited' about everything that was about to happen, i didn't have a job, and was not sure where i would live when i made it across the country, so it was the next step in the process, but it wasn't particularly exciting. i made it through the heavy traffic to the airport, picked up my dad, and quickly realized that he wasn't feeling too great. we stopped by trackside pizza on the way home, and then back to new beginnings.

i don't remember thinking anything out of the ordinary about spending the last night in my bed in washington.

the next morning i went to take beulah for a walk, and fixed my dad and i some toast and eggs. the first thing out of my dad's mouth that morning was that he needed to go to urgent care. he avoids the doctor more than anyone i know, so hearing him say that i knew things had gone south over night. before we headed out for urgent care, we checked the condition of the snoqualmie pass, which we would have to cross to continue on our way east. on the washington DOT website they have a 24 hour a day webcam of the conditions of the pass. when it came up on my computer, all you could see was white. all white, with maybe a swirl of white once in a while. we would have to re-route.

i was familiar with the local puyallup doctor's care, because i just been there myself after getting bitten in the face by a dog about a week earlier. so he and i made it up the hill, and got in and out of there relatively quickly. turns out my dad had bronchitis, and the doctor put him on an antibiotic that was 'one rung below hooking him up to an IV'. all morning i had been trying to convince dad that we should take another day, let him get better, and hopefully allow the pass to thaw out some.

there was no convincing him, and after a stop by fred meyer for his prescription and some food to fill our cooler, we decided to go ahead and pick up our rental car. on our way to get the car, i dropped beulah off down the street with her best friend tucker, so she would be nice and tired for the first leg of our journey. tucker's mom, vicki and i talked about the pass, and she said that many times it will snow all morning, but then be 'passable' by the afternoon, but that the window is very slim, because as soon as the sun starts to go down, everything refreezes. we were on the clock, we had to make it to the pass at just the right time.

that rental car trip turned into an ordeal that lasted a couple of hours. after some frustration, including waiting for a car, hertz taking back a car, and then waiting another hour for a new car, we drove off the lot. the wait was only intensified as watched our window of time dwindle smaller and smaller.

on the drive back to the house, i texted jessi and told her that we were on our way. she was waiting to leave for her doctor's appointment until i got back. she also waited to put glory down for her nap until i could say goodbye. this trip home before saying goodbye was the first time i really cried about leaving the connollys. i walked in, and hugged the kids on the stairs, hugged jessi, and she left quickly for her doctor's appointment.

we just ripped it off like a bandaid.

my dad i packed the rental car quickly, and it began to rain. we packed and repacked the car trying to configure all of the puzzle pieces of boxes and luggage, and dog beds. finally, we had everything placed. we hugged nick goodbye, and pulled out of new beginnings, and drove down the street to pick up a tired and wet beulah. i said a tearful goodbye to our friends vicki and tucker as well.

then we were off.

[longer than i expected, will continue soon..]

blessings still flowing

right up until the end.

on tuesday, march 4, 2008, i came to new beginnings.

on wednesday, march 4, 2009, we found out that victoria was further along than we had estimated.  victoria and i made plans to walk a lot over the next week as a means of inducing labor, so that i could be here when the baby is born.

jessi, vic, and i talked all afternoon about when we hoped she would be born, and i sent up quick prayers all day long that i would still be here.  

just like every wednesday, the girls and i planned our 'night out'.  this week we had planned to order pizza and make ice cream sundaes.  

as soon as i walked in the door, pizza in hand, i was instructed to sit down in the living room. they told me while i was gone, they had gotten a call from the midwife saying that because of some suspicious test results that they would be inducing her labor the next day.  

i fought back tears, and on wednesday night, i watched as victoria learned what she would be experiencing the next day, from our 'on-call' doula.  i watched as she introduced herself to the parents of her daughter.  and i watched as she said goodnight to her mom, and wondered what emotions could be coursing between the two of them as they hugged goodnight.  

on wednesday, march 5, 2008, jessi, kendra, and i went to my very first doctor's appointment with one of the girls, and i looked, in awe, at my first ever ultrasound.  

on thursday, march 5, 2009, just a few floors up from that doctor's office, jess and i sat together, again, waiting on a baby.  this time feeling like veterans.  

   "Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; 

    make known among the nations what he has done, 

    and proclaim that his name is exalted.

     Sing to the LORD, for he has done glorious things; 

       let this be known to all the world.

     Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion, 

       for great is the Holy One of Israel among you."

Isaiah 12:4-6

currently

i have decided that i cannot use the delayed posting feature on blogger.  i end up thinking about it a few minutes before it's supposed to be published, and i cancel it.  not sure why?  i just always convince myself that it was stupid.

i packed up my first couple of boxes tonight.  and i finally plugged in my little ipod shuffle so it can charge, and so i can start making a killer road trip playlist.  though, i'm sure my dad will have his 'nanopod' as well, and we will be competing for air time, but that's okay because we have 42 hours of road to fill.  i am so looking forward to picking him up at the airport, and really looking forward to setting out across the country with my pop.  i know it is something we will always remember.  

a nice shot of wyoming 

after talking with kalle last night about their road trip out here last year, i got the crazy idea that we should buy a tent and camp out along our route about half of the time (and do hotels the other half).  i ran this idea by my dad and he just started laughing.  i'm not sure if he was laughing at the thought of me camping, or if he was laughing at the thought of him camping.  

growing up, we were not a camping type of family.  my parents just aren't into it.  i was telling jared today that dad might bring along a travel iron and ironing board and attempt to starch his shirts while we're camped out along the south dakota highway.  

also i am not pretending that i would be especially adept at the whole camping thing, but i'd like to try.  but after my dad stopped laughing when i suggested it, he said,

"um, let me think on that one for a day or two."  

  

today has been one of the nicest days i have had in a long time.  woke up early to a snuggle puppy, and then headed out to breakfast at portage bay cafe near UW.  kalle and i had been comparing notes for months on their menu, and how amazing their food is, so we finally met up there, and got to talk over coffee, omelets, and pancakes.  really sweet time.

vegan pancakes, topped with good things

came home and saw that sweet jess had planned a get together with some friends before i head out.  felt really loved.  

went outside in the sunshine and warm air, and played fetch with beulah, while texting back and forth with my brother while he was in class.  we talked about all the things we will get to do together in a few weeks, and laughed at the thought of dad and i sleeping in a tent.

forsythe park, savannah georgia

then i went upstairs and watched dvr'ed highlights of the bachelor from last night, as i had only seen the last 30 minutes of the after the final rose special.  the bachelor was maddening, but time on the bed with glory and jess was really nice.  then jess curled my hair using the flat iron.  i didn't know if it would work, but she made it work!  so now if i practice, maybe i can get it down.  

after that a really mellow afternoon, and then our newest girl, who is from mexico, and only speaks spanish, cooked an amazing dinner for us.  really and truly did this body some good.  

pretty much as of today, i am really not doing any new beginnings stuff.  really just focusing on moving, and it feels strange already.  like they're in the other room doing Bible study, and i feel like i'm playing hooky.  

i don't know, several people have asked me questions about how i am feeling about moving, or how prepared i am for certain aspects of it, and for the most part, i am totally unprepared.  and today, i just had to become okay with that.  i am getting there, and hopefully tomorrow another piece will be put in place, and then another one after that.  

i think i prepare as much as i can, and look for a job as earnestly as i can, but still be willing to step out even if it seems impossible.  really not sure at all what life will look like a month from now.  weird, huh?

considering events

"To consider persons and events and situations only in the light of their effect upon myself is to live on the doorstep of hell."  Thomas Merton

you know how when a significant event happens in life, everything is heightened.  it adds both clarity and confusion.  witnessing a birth feels so closely linked to the feelings of experiencing the death of someone around you.  you drive around wondering why everyone is so caught up in their trip to the grocery store.  but we still go and do.  all the time feeling like you want to scream and tell everyone that this is LIFE.  a whole person, with a whole lifetime of stories, and plans ahead of them is here.  a baby that was just with God, is now with us. 

that is beauty.  

a baby that a month ago, almost stayed with God forever, is now here.  and he is a brother, a son, and a nephew.  that is joy.  

so now, when life, and bad attitudes, and kitchens in shambles creep back into my consciousness, i pray for that clarity.  i pray that i would not make it about me or my schedule.  because God is here, and he is working, and i want to resist the pull of my own plans.  

thank you for weeks like this, Lord, and may i find your truth within them.  

a good way to spend a sunday

sorry to be so vague on the last post.  after a pretty hard week, yesterday, one of our former 'tenants' and her boyfriend showed up at our house high on drugs, and i answered the door.  after a really bizarre few minutes, and nick coming out to help her, she left, but said she'd be back.  

it was very disconcerting, considering she had just been released from her third stay in the mental hospital, and she met her boyfriend while in the hospital.  i was sufficiently freaked out, and my teeth were chattering for like an hour after she left.  

we spent a good portion of our afternoon with our eyes on the window, waiting for her to show up, so we could call the cops.  long story short, everyone sort of went about their evenings after she didn't show up for a while, and i came back down and set up camp at the dining room table, just in case she showed up.  pretty much as soon as i sat down, i saw her headlights, and ran upstairs to let nick and jess know, so we could go ahead and call the police.  

her second visit was relatively uneventful, and she just packed up some stuff and left.  we never went outside.  

i'm at the point where i can laugh about it, as long as she doesn't show back up anytime soon.  

this is what i'm doing right now:

wall-e with this man.

it's official.

this has been the craziest week of my life.  hands effing down.  

it was my sin that held him there

part of me feels like i should not blog when i am too raw.  but, i am doing it anyway.  tonight, i am struggling.  since coming back from christmas, life has been tough.  i feel really overwhelmed with the idea of driving back across the country, and finding a place to live when i can't afford a cup of coffee.  how will this happen?  i'm not sure, but i feel compelled daily to stretch my little measure of faith bigger, bigger, bigger.  

things with the girls have been taxing and heavy.  getting heavier daily, actually.  so, right now, i am spent.  i need to say it out loud, i cannot do this.  this job, this life, this year. 

"How deep the Father's love for us 
How vast beyond all measure 
That He should give His only Son 
And make a wretch His treasure 
How great the pain of searing loss 
The Father turns His face away 
As wounds which mar the Chosen One 
Bring many sons to glory 

Behold the man upon the cross 
My sin upon His shoulder 
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice 
Call out among the scoffers 
It was my sin that held Him there 
Until it was accomplished 
His dying breath has brought me life 
I know that it is finished 

I will not boast in anything 
No gifts, no power, no wisdom 
But I will boast in Jesus Christ 
His death and resurrection 
Why should I gain from His reward 
I cannot give an answer 
But this I know with all my heart 
His wounds have paid my ransom"

Stuart Townsend

new year, new city. again.

a few days ago, i told you that i would be making the move back east this coming year.  

let me tell you a little more about this.  right around this time last year, i reconnected with jess, and we emailed about what new beginnings was and their need for a staff assistant.  last january, i was really still in full time recovery mode after leaving remuda about six months prior.  i had been gearing up to start back into life, and was not sure where it would lead.  

after several emails, and a few phone calls i moved out to washington in march.  i was never sure how long i would stay, but was open to this being a 'life move'.  life began here, and as march turned into april, i saw glory born, bonded with the girls, and watched them become moms, i witnessed my two roommates, jimmy and faythe marry in april, and in may, i was apart of my first childbirth experience.  

in months in between then and now, jared and maria came out, nick and jess went home, my parents came out, we had some TOUGH girls, we planned the world's best thanksgiving dinner, and i got to watch elias and glory grow, and i have had the chance to witness 2 of the best parents around.  

this has been the best year of my life.  growing, exciting, life-giving, awkward, enlightening, patience testing, and fun.  

the decision to move on has been hard, and even typing it now, it sort of feels like, "really, you're sure you want to do that?".  but i think my time here was not meant to be long term, and no, i haven't moved mountains in my time here at new beginnings, and yes, there are so many things i could do better.  but my initial email to jess said something like, "i mean, if you just need me to come out and fold some clothes for you, i'll do it."  and i think that is an accurate summation of this year.  i folded some clothes (metaphorically..Lord knows, i don't even fold my own).  

in march of this year, i will be loading up my stuff and my dog, and driving across the country to live in charlotte, north carolina.  another adventure:)

oh new year

well dearies, 2009 is here.

i just got back from a long-car-trip-filled vacation back to the east coast.  great trip.  for now though, let's talk about the best discoveries of 2008 (in no particular order):

cutting my own hair:  not fool proof, you can always tell that i cut it myself, but i'm okay with it.  it saves money and i end up liking it better in the long run.

the northwest:  love it.

pregnancy/childbirth:  living with pregnant women is crazy (fun).  after this year, i will consider myself an honorary half pregnant lady.  

rob and big:  i wish this weren't true, but i laugh so hard i almost cry anytime i watch it.  this is a whole 'nother list in itself, what is the most embarrassing tv that i watch and love.  watch THIS.

connolly babies:  love.

jimmy and faythe:  yep.

beulah:  yes, the first couple of months resembled a pee soaked hell, but we're coming around, and she is only a jerk like 2% of the time.  we're all entitled, i suppose.

macbookair:  a new love.

sitting in the luxury box:  i'll never be able to go to another baseball game again.

specialty's cookies:  eat them.  

30 rock:  but only on dvd.  not as funny in one episode installments.  

living with a married couple(s):  enlightening and hilarious.

here's to 2009, may you be full of surprises.  

new beginnings ramblings

my favorite quotes/moments of our week--

"I think that it is our job as christians to support the abortion ministry."--host at the Adoption Ministry benefit (one of the several times he confused those words).

fenny and i going to church on sunday, and because of her kenyan accent and because her name is unusual, no one understood what she was saying when introduced. "nice to meet you, funny" happened a few times. after that, we decided to switch names, and from that point on, i introduced myself as fenny. and fenny was lauren.

this week i've really been trying to bring beu downstairs more often and make her more apart of the house. i'd taken her to vet, and he'd told me that i need to be more "dominating". so i came home guns blazing, and explained to everyone my plan for domination. after dinner, fenny was holding glor, and glory was playing with fenny's face and started slapping her. then fenny deadpans, "i think she is trying to dominate me".



this clip IS one of our girls. not even one degree of exaggeration. come over, you'll see.

during fenny's ultrasound, the technician said, "in case you were interested, the right ovary contributed to the pregnancy." fenny's response, "shame on that ovary".

on friday during jess' ultrasound, she sent me a text saying she was pregnant with quadruplets. elias i were playing at the time, and i called jess in a frenzy and told her to "shut the hell up". oops.

anna wants to name her firstborn "shequillia". say it outloud, yep, "shellkillya"

that brings us to today, there have been so many ridiculous comments from our first three girls (who are visiting today) that i don't even know where to start. most are pregnancy related, and most are gross. i'll steer clear of those, unless you little sickies want to hear them (you probably do).

quickie

headed out to the grocery store.  

i went to the doctor with one of the girls yesterday.  it was awesome.  i forgot!  i just forgot how exciting this process can be, if we are 'let in'.  

in other news, jess may have convinced me that i am getting sympathy sickness from all these pregnant pukers.  i had 2 slices of toast for lunch.  it's all mental, i know it.  but still..it's painful to watch them try to eat.  like they're being tortured.  that is..unless they're pounding a chalupa.  

also, if you feel like praying for a puppy, you could pray for beulah, actually more for me, because she got fixed on tuesday, and trying to keep that crazy contained, is almost impossible. poor thing, she can't run around and play at all.  so maybe Jesus, you can magically take away some of the energy.  forever, Lord?  maybe just take some of the energy for eternity.  that'd be great.  for real. 

must go, fred meyer is wondering where we've been.

another saturday

hiii all.  

i am currently watching free willy.  i haven't seen this movie since i was (hold for imdb search), wait this might be free willy 2.  well if this is the first one i was 9, and if it's the second one i was 11.  jesse has a lady love, so i'm thinking it's the second one because i don't remember that from the first one.  anyway, too much free willy speculation for one blog.  moving on.

new girl moving in this afternoon.  it's an interesting thing, it is really easy for me to be cynical about our 'girl situation' but, hopefully she will want to be here, that is always a step in the right direction.  

i am trying to refuel myself with a rather large cup of coffee.  hopefully it will get the ball rolling in a few minutes and i will want to do something other than blogging and free willy.  

also, in absolute vulnerability, if you guys could be praying for me (and for the connollys as well) as far as support goes.  i have one family that is supporting me right now, and i am at 1/5 of what i need to be in a responsible place financially.  i am going to have to send out another email in this next week, and if you guys could just pray that i will have wisdom as far as how to word the email, and also that the email will be sent to the right people.  and that mental connections will be made between my friends and organizations/businesses that are interested in giving to non-profits.  

thanks ahead of time for the prayers.

a week from today my parents come!  agh.  so fun.