holy moly

i have a little while before i board my flight back to charlotte (by way of atlanta), so i thought i'd fill y'all in on my last few days.  

i am feeling pretty contemplative right now.  this weekend has been so fun, and such a wonderful gift to see these women.  i hope what i am about to say does not come from a prideful place, but as much fun as this has been, i am ready to go home.  

i don't have an eating disorder anymore.  

yes, i struggled for years with insecurity, bingeing and purging behaviors, and all of the things that come along with that (depression, dishonesty, and a host of physical side effects), but i am stinking free.  

after spending a weekend talking at length about it--i am disgusted.  not at anyone, or because of anyone, i just haven't let it be the main topic of conversation for a while now, so when it does become the topic, i see it for what it is.    

are there days i'm insecure?  yes.  

and yeah, there are days where i doubt and question.

but i have hope.

i am deeply happy.

but as far as worrying about the minute issues, or a freaking pound lost or gained, i will not do it.  i won't participate anymore.  

as much as i love these women, my heart is happy to be getting on a plane, and heading back to life in Charlotte.  

"Shake off your dust; rise up, sit enthroned, O Jerusalem. Free yourself from the chains on your neck, O captive Daughter of Zion."

Isaiah 52:2

thanks friends

your input was very helpful, thank you!

okay, selection 'E' was my favorite as well, and after i heard from a few of you guys, i decided to go ahead with it.  as i was ordering it, i saw to my dismay, that they were out of my size.  

after a quick google search, i found a very similar dress from the same brand.  so, this is what i went with:

in other news:

• the iPhone has overtaken my life.  
• i have started eating lunch at 10:30am.  
• annnd i have a lot to do before i leave on thursday for wisconsin.  
• just found out we'll be making a day trip to chicago, excited about this.  
• today is josh's birthday.  happy 27th (holy crap).
• 46 days until jared gets married, and maria becomes a HOGAN.

taking it to the streets

attention:  this is not a drill.  

i don't care who you are, or where you're from, or if this is your first time ever stumbling upon this blog--i need your help.  

i have to decide on a bridesmaids dress to wear for my brother's wedding today.  

we had one picked out for me (we're all wearing different dresses), but after some rethinking, we are back to square one.  the dress needs to be yellow, and i need some feedback.  now, it will be helpful if you know me, to know what would look best on me, but even if you don't-whatever, just pick your favorite.  here goes:

A.

B.

C.

D.

E.

help, please.  

oh you know

no big.  it's just that my sickly talented younger brother just had a music video posted on pitchfork media.  this video just so happens to feature my insanely awesome older brother.  it's all in the family, i tell ya.  except that my line of work these days is more in the diaper genre, but that's okay.  

here it is:

Balmorhea: Remembrance [Western Vinyl]

10 points to whoever can place the band that this video is for:)

promise to wait while we're working it out

this week has been so jam-packed with goodness.  i am sitting at panera right now waiting for at&t to open next door.  my phone totally bit the dust this morning, so i am seriously contemplating an iphone purchase in about 15 minutes.  why bother getting another piece of garbage phone?  let's not play around.

work is going well, but i really was not expecting how much poop i would be dealing with.  let's be honest, babies poop a LOT.  and twins poop non-stop.  but i love those little nuts already, so it's okay.  but between a dog and two babies, i feel like poop is my actual job.

what else?  my dad came up and brought my temporary bed, which has been awesome.  no more air mattress for me!  we made a nice visit to big daddy's burgers on east boulevard that night, which was unspeakably good. 

i made new friends this week!  the woodard family knows the connollys and have been so welcoming, and even let me hang out with their pup, tex, while they went camping this weekend.  we had a great time, and are having dinner together on tuesday, which i am really looking forward to.  more on carrie and her fam later.  

my roommate ally and i had a nice lazy saturday yesterday, we went to freedom park and threw the ball for beulah, and then made a quick stop by the farmer's market.  in other news, i have started ally on 'freaks and geeks'.  i'll let you know if/when she gets hooked.  

in other big news, i haven't even told y'all this.  the day my dad and i drove out of puyallup, one of my best friends, mary, sent me an email asking if she could buy me a plane ticket up to wisconsin for the end of april.  having no idea what type of job i would have, or where i would be in the moving process, i tentatively said 'yes', and prayed that things would fall into place.  and they have!  

this trip is so special that i can hardly really explain it.  mary is my best friend from remuda ranch.  we arrived at the rehab facility (for eating disorders) 2 days apart, and spent most of our stay there together.  this month is our 2 year anniversary of going to remuda.  other best buddies from remuda are making the trip as well, kristen, carrie, and sarah will all be up at mary's house for a celebratory weekend.  i am so excited i can barely stand it.  

i have only seen kristen briefly over christmas break, but i have not seen the other three sisters in TWO YEARS.  

may 19 will be the anniversary of the day that i left remuda, and i think i would like to have a party this year.  just because God is so good.  

okay, iphone anyone?

good morning brokenness

i got lost yesterday on the way to church.  i have spent a lot of time this week writing down directions to various places, and even more time getting lost while trying to follow them.  in a last minute desperate move, i called my dad so that he could consult his iphone and tell me just how far off track i was.  when he said that i was 28 miles from my destination, i lost it.   but not in a good way, i was angry.  i crumpled up my written down directions and threw them in the floorboard.  

while driving back towards my house, i had a surge of endurance and decided i was going to go, just to the later service.  

i finally arrived at church, with starbucks in hand, trying to ignore the emotion that was rising up in my throat.  jared and maria had been to two services already, so my plan was just to sneak in the back and sit by myself, unnoticed.  

i walked to the back of the aisle, and the volunteer asked how many people would be sitting with me, and i just said, 'one'.  before i really knew what was happening, i was sitting smack in the front row.  as i sat there, many things hit me at once.  the insane upheaval of my life in the last month:  driving, couch crashing, new job, new roommates, new city.  and i realized it had been over a month since i had been in church.  it felt like i had been in a drought, and suddenly, i was on the front row, about to worship Jesus.  

and i was a puddle of goo. 

i cried like i haven't in a long time, just steady tears.  all of the misplaced anger from the morning all directed into absolute fatigue and submission before the Lord.    

good easter.

jumping on the bandwagon

just about everyone i know has had a fashion post or two lately.  well, of course i am going to follow suit.  i am in dire need of a new pair of jeans.  many times just thinking about trying on jeans causes me to get immediate hives, but i'm kind of looking forward to it.  

i found this website.  it's interesting, you put in your measurements, and the exact specifications of the jeans you want.  but--don't you feel like you have to try jeans on?  i don't try on 90% of the clothes i purchase, but if you're buying expensive jeans, gotta try them on, right?

here are my two needs:

• a pair for church/nights out/anything besides dog walking and nannying.
• which leaves us with a pair for messy nanny days, walks with beulah, and lazy saturdays.  

night out options

1.  joe's jeans honey in harvey

2.  7 for all mankind rocker bootcut

3.  jcrew matchstick indigo wash

comfy pair

1.  jcrew vintage slim in worn-in wash

2.  jcrew boy jean in darkwash

3.  true religion joey stretch flare

*as you can see, this list is somewhat unrealistic, but in the blog world we can pretend*

pick your favorite of these, or suggest something else. 

 let's hear it!

i can't even tell you

how much has changed since my last post.  

last time i wrote, i was laying around at my parent's unmotivated to finish packing up my car.  well, the rest of monday picked up a good bit.  including being surprise-hired by the nanny mama who turned me down the night before.  confused?  yes, so was i.  

so, i drove up here monday night, saw jared briefly and ate mcdonald's with him, on his way back to savannah from working in charlotte for the day.  got to the house, unpacked my little bit of stuff, and settled in.  tuesday and wednesday i only worked half-days with the kids (11 month old twins) so that i could get my life under control, and also train with the outgoing nanny.  

today is my first day flying solo.  so far, so good.  they are busy little bees.  but we're having fun.  

they're napping right now, and without internet at our house, this will most likely become my blogging time.  i am quite tired after a busy week.  but feel energized by the change, if you'd asked me two days ago how i was doing, i might have started crying.  but today, i am feeling peaceful.  you know those times in life (and maybe this is just me) where you can't really listen to anything but worship music, just to help you make it through the day?  that's where i've been, just sort of grasping at whatever i can get a hold of.  

love to each of you, going to sip on some coffee and enjoy the rest of the quieeeeeetttt.  

a mess.

i feel like a wreck right now.  let me paint the picture.  

i am currently slumped on my parent's couch, wearing crocs (which almost automatically puts me in a bad mood), old camp crestridge sweatpants with no drawstring, that i have conveniently gathered to one side with a hair tie.  and for a fashionable finish, i have on yesterday's shirt underneath a big, frumpy hoody.  

BUT, i do have a quad grande americano to my right, and a puppy to my left.  they seem to be counteracting my feelings of filthiness.  i am listening to hillsong, and about to take a shower.  so we're going to turn it around.  

also, please know that i did go into starbucks looking like this.  and i'd stopped off at the park to throw the ball to beu for a second, and i sat down in the grass without thinking, so not only am i looking homeless, but i am looking like an incontinent homeless person.  

okay, one more thing.  as i was pulling up at the park, i saw that someone had put a super cute tv stand out by the street.  i made a mental note to grab that on my way to starbucks.  in the 10 minutes we were at the park, that thing got TAKEN.  and this was not a busy street, this is like lower richland at 10am on a monday.  some people, i tell ya, taking the things i wanted to steal.  

*post edit--i kind of forgot to say that i am moving today.  see you in charlotte.  

stuffy

how i have been feeling and acting the last few days*

i am laying in my bedroom right now.  it's dark, and i almost threw my back out trying to unstick the paint-stuck window.  while it is usually so cold here at my parent's house that i have to wear a fleece, no matter the season, this visit has been a little toasty.  mainly because it is in the weird weather no man's land, where you really don't need to use the air conditioner yet, but you might as well start warmin' her up.  or coolin' her down, more accurately, i suppose.  

beulah is laying in her doggie bed in the corner, and this room is totally filled with boxes.  let's not confuse the situation though, my room is tiny, three boxes fills the room.  though, for some reason, there are a bunch of empty boxes, too.  and beulah's crate and dog bed.  and my two suitcases.  there is one tiny patch of floor where i can navigate in and out of the room, other than that, it's yuck in here.  

these past few days have been tough.  and not for the reasons you might be thinking.  i am somewhat in the zone with my parents right now.  though, i am ready to have some floor space and a bathroom that i don't share with both of my parents.  i think i am normally a roll-with-the-punches type of gal, but these past 3 weeks have been very gypsy-like.  and now that i have not heard from nanny mom #1, that means i don't have a job=back to square one.  

in this time of dependence, i have not been spending a lot of time with the Lord, and it shows in my words and actions.  yuck.  i hate when i knowingly continue in the wrong direction.  yuck yuck.  

a few really important things are coming together for the move, but more on that later.  

*i threw tantrums as a child, and my mom thought it prudent to capture them on film.  

censored

sheesh.  after being at my parent's house for a few days, i could tell some funny stories.  BUT, they read this, and also have facebook.  so, i am officially on gag order.  especially after thinking i was smooth enough to get away with a frustrated-middle-of-the-night post about my dad's snoring while on our road trip.  well, i did not.  my mom read it to him like a true benedict arnold.  

not a lot to report this evening.  quick trip up to charlotte tomorrow for an interview and running by the house to meet one of my roommates.  

right now, i am unable to watch LOST because jare has my TV in savannah and my parents are all about some american idol results show.  once again, sheesh.  

still feeling a little nervous about the changes coming up in the next week.  if things go as planned, i will move into the house on monday, and start my job (if i get it..eek) on tuesday.  a lot of loose ends to tie up before then though.  

must go.  if you live in charlotte, be my friend.  please.