it seems like the christian world is making a big shift in the way we think and relate within relationships and sexuality.
everywhere i turn, it seems a new sermon series, or book is based on shaking things up and not thinking as much about 'what not to do' in dating relationships/marriage/single life, but more about what we are called to do. isn't that the way you were raised? in youth group? don't have sex before you get married (along with don't drink or smoke or see rated R movies). no one is telling/teaching us how to be selfLESS in any stage of life. but purity is often reduced to a formula for what is 'permissible'.
along the same lines, i read something a friend of mine wrote on her blog today, and what a challenge it was. in this age of ridiculously following each other's lives through blogs, facebook, and twitter, it is really easy to make an image for ourselves. to edit out the ugly and brutal. this is something that is so easy to do. i do it all the time. whether subconsciously, or through much effort, we spin and plot to make ourselves pleasing to the general public. and for me, i see that as such a seed for so many plants of discontent in my life. whether it manifests itself physically or mentally is not important. i think as single women (especially christian women) we can be schemers. we pursue just shy of what could be called pursuit, we play the pseudo-puppet masters, thinking we're controlling the situation/man.
my job in life is not to find a husband. not to edit myself in order to find a husband. but my job is to be selfless in my pursuit of Jesus. i pray that one day i can actually live that out to its fullest extent. and i pray that christian men would be willing to give us the gift of being found by them.
some challenges:
steven furtick [look under the visionary love dream sex series]
going in for some granola bar and some love
sunshine on my shoulders (let's not talk about the fact that this song makes me tear up, even in the raisin bran commercial..)
anyway, starting tomorrow they are having a benefit sale to help cover at least a portion of their hospital bills. go here. maybe go buy a little something for yourself, or someone else and you can feel good about where the money is going:)
a smallish man stands playing his guitar. balding, and wearing a suit jacket a size too small. bright green asics light up his feet. dirty jeans. graphic tee. singer/songwriter uniform?
for sure.
his name is david bazan, and i feel quite thrilled to be within earshot of what he has to sing.
i can't wait to see mark. last time i saw him i thought i was in love. i hurt so badly to be in love. i forced something that never should have or could have happened.
a lot can happen in three years--my brain still wants to take the same paths-- but i am no longer willing to be someone else to gain the love of a man. there's nothing worse than being loved--but as someone very different from yourself.
i'm navigating new seas these days. don't cover up--don't shed the things that make up pieces of who i am. with every piece i lose, i become more willing to conform to an ideal.
i am not ideal. i am a creation, a painting right in the middle of being painted. sometimes i get frustrated and try to add or take away from what has been created by the brush already. vulnerability, being seen, in all my unfinished awkwardness--seems impossible.
how do you love without at least trying to hide some parts--how do you lose the pretense?
how do you love without abandon?
how can i ever feel comfortable, all the while knowing the capacity for pain?
what makes loving a man different from loving a friend? i easily love those who come and go from my life--but i think i expect a man to love me, and no one has yet, so it's humbling and scary wondering, "will you be my love?", and if not, what is wrong with me?
and then realizing it doesn't have to be something i am lacking. Lord, sweet, Lord, i so often doubt who you are to me. my head knows you not only want the best for me, you've planned the best for me. why is it that i think you don't know my heart? i guess i sometimes assume my desires are selfish--that scares me that maybe what i want is not good.
david is still singing. he just mentioned seeing a video of himself on youtube and feeling badly about himself. i love hearing about other's moments of insecurity. makes me feel marginally more normal, and a smidge less insecure.
concerts are a funny thing. a lot of times i secretly find them silly. unless i have some emotional attachment to the music, then i'm able to sit and let it sink down into the memories from every other time i've heard it, or times that it has played over an important moment in my life.
Jesus, i get confused about our purpose as your followers. who am i supposed to be in order not to give you a bad name?
what is it about singers and the act of singing that is so intimate? maybe because you can't help but be honest. it is the sound of the person you hide--fully seen. very romantic when done without the affectation of fear or influence of others.
i'm not sure why i have written through this entire opening act. i am full to the top--things to say--fears to speak out loud, and vanish into whatever place spoken insecurities go to die.
i live in seattle now. dreams are funny, and the realization of them even funnier. what do you do with the joy of achieving a desire? it seems to seep out at the most unexpected times. like today, with me having a crush on life.
or maybe i'll find an old place like this, and fix it up. 
that's where my thoughts are taking me these days. for now, though, i am going to continue sitting on our deck thinking about what to make for dinner tonight.“I like the guy in the white American Apparel shirt with the glasses.”
“Which one? there are eight.”
“The guy with the keffiyeh.”
“Oh yeah, you’re right. He does look smarter and more political than the other guys. He’s clearly more sensitive to wind, so he’s probably more sensitive in general. You should totally date him.”
outdoor performance clothes:You see, Michel Gondry got famous by directing videos for The White Stripes, Massive Attack and Bjork. These are three bands that, at some point in their lives, all white people have thought were cool.
standing still at concerts:So when white people go to concerts at smaller venues, what to do they do? They stand still! This is an important part of white concert going as it enables you to focus on the music, and it will prevent drawing excess attention to you. Remember, at a concert everyone is watching you just waiting for you to try to start dancing. Then they will make fun of you.
The result is Belle and Sebastian concerts that essentially looks more like a disorganized line of people than a music event.
If you find yourself invited to a concert with a white person, do NOT expect to dance. Prepare yourself for three hours of standing reasonably still. It is also advised to get a beer or (if legal) a cigarette so you have something to do with your hands. Although it is acceptable to occasionally raise one hand and point just above the stage.
making you feel bad about not going outside:And much like most things with white people - they win both ways. If you decide to go with them, they feel good about getting someone off the couch and “into the fresh air,” and if you don’t decide to go, they can spend their entire time outdoors saying “boy, this is great, X doesn’t know what he/she is missing!” and running on a mix of self-satisfaction, Odwalla juice and muesli.
coffee:White people all need Starbucks, Second Cup or Coffee Bean. They are also fond of saying “you do NOT want to see me before I get my morning coffee.” White guys will also call it anything but coffee: “rocket fuel,” “java,” “joe,” “black gold,” and so forth. It’s pretty garbage all around.
If you want to go for extra points - white people really love FAIR TRADE coffee, because paying the extra $2 means they are making a difference.
really and truly, funniest thing ever. you should go explore this website, because there are many more hilarious ones on the list. soon, i will be exploring the "stuff christians like" list per jessi's recommendation.
